A tribute to Dolly and the lessons she offered

I'm sitting in my parents' lovely home in Lexington, KY. There's a basketball game on, but I'm the only one who is watching it. Well, i'm the only one who is awake. Kenley, my dad and Jackson are officially asleep. I'm not really sure where Jonathan went, but i'm certain that my mom is sleeping upstairs, too. I will find a nap soon as well.

Ken and I arrived to Lexington this morning. He drove the entire way from Omaha...to Dale, Indiana, where we had to stop because of weather.

We left Omaha after my morning TJ's shift with heavy hearts. The day before (Dec. 23) we had to put our sweet baby dog, Dolly, asleep. She fought for her life and health the entire time we had her. Even those first few weeks of having her we noticed that she had this slight cough; we bought a humidifier. We noticed she peed quite a lot; we put puppy pads out for her. The vets noticed that she had elevated thyroid levels throughout her checkups. Hyperthyroidism is so rare in dogs we were sent to Kansas State University so an internist could look at her. Dolly ended up having a tumor on her thyroid. She also had quite the heart murmur which contributed to her coughing issues. Ken took Dolly to Kansas State once a week for an entire month so she could receive check ups and more cancer medicine. She seemed to be improving, her tumor decreased in size and she got her bark back. She seemed like a new dog and it was so much fun. On her last check up the vet noticed that she'd lost a pretty significant amount of weight. For a dog who was only around 13.3 pounds...losing 3 pounds was too much for her. So we fed her whatever she wanted.

We noticed that in two weeks she seemed to be carrying a lot of weight all of a sudden. Perhaps she was just gaining that much more weight. She began having a harder time jumping on the couch and the bed. Ken bought her dog stairs...but she just wasn't getting around like she used to. We began planning our trip to surprise my family for Christmas. Dolly was a part of our plan. She was going to be in the back seat just hanging out the whole trip, like last time.

The day before we planned on leaving Dolly fell off of the bed. She's fallen off of the bed before and she would slightly sprain or bruise her leg. She'd always be fine the next day. But this time, the noise we heard from the floor was the accumulation of all of the pain Dolly experienced in her life. It was a haunting and alarming whine...Ken tried to pick her up off of the ground and she yelped and nipped like she was in serious pain. We managed to get her on the bed where she was only comfortable leaning directly on someone's arm, she could not put any weight down on her left paw. We grabbed an ice pack...it didn't work...a pack of blueberries...a wet towel. We debated on pain medicine and remembered the other medicines she was taking (heart murmur, stomach pain and antibiotics) and opted not to give her medicine. We spoon fed her water...then dropped water in her mouth. Kenley put on gloves to pick her up and see if she needed to go outside. K ended up sleeping downstairs with her in case she needed to go outside.

We woke up the next morning, with just a few hours of sleep behind us, to start our early day. We packed Dolly in the car and drove to Trader Joe's. I went to work and Kenley went to the vet.

I waited and waited. In my head I thought that perhaps she just sprained her leg and she needed a shot of steroids or something. In my heart I knew that something was pretty serious. Even when things were happening that evening/early morning, I had a feeling that Dolly was ready to go. So I worked through my shift...and tried calling Kenley (he dropped his phone in water during the chaos), but I couldnt' get through. I ended up calling the vet where I heard the news.

Dolly fractured her leg above the elbow joint. She was not a good surgery candidate, she was actually a poor candidate as the surgery was so risky, even for a healthy dog.

She had retained an enormous amount of water. She had fluid not only on her lungs, but she also had fluid around her heart. They noticed that there was a slight pink liquid coming from her nose which is an indication of heart failure. They saw these pockets of fluid that we noticed on her abdomen. She was low on protein which contributed to her poor health and fluid retention.

Basically, the cancer could've spread. Her health was so poor that there was no point in testing to see if the cancer spread. There was no point in taking her to Kansas State to see what the next steps were for her.

We knew what Dolly wanted and needed. My heart was breaking at work. My sweet coworkers and I did a little 'this one is for Dolly' glass tink before our lunch was over...and Kenley picked me up at 2.

Driving to the vet was a whirlwind. It didn't seem real that a week ago Dolly was her sassy self, sleeping next to me during my afternoon naps.

When we saw Dolly, she was doped up on morphine and without pain. We saw her swollen and bruised little leg. She was covered in a blanket. And she looked so ready to be done. Kenley stepped out of the room after his goodbyes...and I sat and watched her last breaths. I'd never seen Dolly look so peaceful.

I'm not sure if dogs/animals go to heaven, but if they do, Dolly is hanging out with some of our favorite people and other animals.

K and I reflected on the year and two months that we had her.

• She was with us for our entire first year of marriage. She witnessed our heated discussions, our lighthearted discussions and our hilarious discussions. 
• She was with us when I had to take K to the ER both times (kidney stone and stitches).
• She was with me when I had a terrible day at work and was at the end of myself...
• She made us get to know our neighborhood on our dozens and dozens of walks.
• I saw the sacrifices that Kenley made for Dolly...taking the time to drive her 6 hours roundtrip...and the money he spent on making her comfortable.
• She reminded us to take it easy.
• She reminded us to laugh. 
• She reminded us to be present. 

I'll post a bit more about Dolly i'm sure :) Let's be honest, I sort of fell in love with her. 

She was the best Dolly girl anyone could've ever asked for and I miss her a lot. I'll enjoy my time with my family and the family dog, Jackson!

Thoughts on Health: Sleep

I relished in my day off today. I slept until 8 am and felt heavenly when I woke up. I woke up at 3:40 the morning before so it felt like I'd slept an extra day today.

Sometimes sleep has been an indicator of the stress in my life. When I increase my sleep, purposely, I may be avoiding something. If i'm sleeping restlessly, I may not be dealing with things in the daytime hours.

But you know when you've gotten the right sleep. You know that sweet sleep spot.

And you know when you've gotten the wrong sleep...the amount, the type, everything about that sleep was just off type of sleep. I've had those nights/mornings when I've woken up and I'm almost in tears because
a) my hand/arm/wrist is asleep
b) I can't move my shoulder without wincing
c) It's too early and too cold
d) My alarm was too loud
e) All of the above

I watched Dr. Oz for the first time yesterday and he had a segment on sleep...oh how I needed to hear what he said. The things that I took away from that segment:
a) Sleeping while holding a pillow will help a lot
b) Your head weighs around 10 pounds, why do you think sleeping with your wrist holding your head up for 8 some hours will be a good idea

I slept with a pillow last night...and I was amazed at how much better I felt when falling asleep. I woke up without the shoulder/arm/wrist pain that I can sometimes have in the mornings.

I love sleep...when I'm sleeping to rest from the day, not to avoid the day :)

Happy sleeping!

The life of a retailer...

I live the life of a retailer. I get my schedule for the next week the Wednesday before the actual week. I can't overly plan anymore. I sometimes work late shifts and don't eat enough. Last night I thought I'd eaten something during the day, but clearly at 7 pm when I had a sinking spell (that's what Mom calls it) I knew that the few chocolate covered almonds and latte did not cover it.

I'm up a little later tonight because for the past two nights I had to awake...it takes me a little time to adjust to finding the natural resting point in my evening. I'm getting there. I heard the distant horn of some trains. The traffic has slowed around our house. And I can hear two snores from our bedroom, the husband and the dog.

As I've started to unwind these days and months I started to become much more aware of the genuine and deep friendships and relationships I have with people around me – starting with my husband.

So long to the days when I would come home emotionally spent and drained to the point of emotional exhaustion.

And hello to the moments when I catch myself clasping my hands and jumping for joy at a simple and much needed addition to closet. (I got home last night or some night and noticed that my closet was lit up...I usually use my cellphone to fumble around my closet in the morning. K installed a simple lantern and now I can see!)

I catch myself feeling like I just got married...maybe this is normal, who knows, but I feel like each day as I feel more and more like myself...I'm falling more and more in love.

The life of a retailer will do that to you...it's caused me to evaluate what's happening around me, in my life and to those around me...and I feel a new sensitivity and intuition and appreciation for what's happening around me.

I feel like my senses are reawakening and I couldn't be more excited. 

Stillness and streams and streams of consciousness

There are a few birds still hanging out in Omaha these days - I can hear them from my new little office (aka the desk in the corner). Dolly has managed to fall asleep on the coach beside me. She has a gentle snore that matches her gentle eyes.

I think my neighbors came home, or maybe they left, but I just heard the familiar creak of the stairs. I have to remember that Kenley isn't home yet, today, Monday, is my day off for now.

This morning was full of a slow and labored wake up and met with a conversation with a friend that left me inspired.

I am still unwinding from a crazy few months. When i'm still I can listen to what my heart is saying and what the Divine is trying to get through my head.

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A dear friend gave me a candle for my times of stillness, meditation, mindfulness and prayer. You can call it whatever you want it. I haven't lit the candle yet. The candle sits next to my computer and when I look at it i'm reminded that I should pause. And secondly, I look to the right to a plaque another dear friend gave me - daydream. I love daydreaming.

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I sometimes get surprised at what I hear myself say...in a conversation I mentioned to someone that if you get to write the rules, it's a lot easier to be able to follow them, and when you want to change them, you can change them. As I thought of that more, I wondered, who gets to write the rules and why?

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Seeking Shangri-La Inside My Cubicle

Here's my latest article from Omaha.net. It gives a little summary of the past couple of months.

My last day at my place of former employment was September 30. I, like many other folks in Omaha and around the country, entered into the realms of unemployment. I found a placement with a temporary agency and was making phone calls for a local non-profit.

Sitting in a cubicle for six hours, with no computer, no friendly banter with coworkers, having only a telephone and a list, was apparently just what I needed.

I lasted there a week and one day.

I had an epiphany on one of my rides to work. Driving on I-80, I began to think about what gave me the most passion, when was I in the flow.

Health.

My story with health is kind of wild. When I arrived in Omaha, I weighed a little over 200 pounds. You need to know, I’m just 5 foot 4 and a half (again, in full disclosure I asked my doctor if I could round up to 5 foot 5, she said no). I’d played soccer all through elementary and high school. I loved running. I was in shape. But something about being in graduate school and living on my own opened the door to pretty bad habits—enter Betty Crocker and Reese’s cups for dinner.

I got to Omaha and continued to put on the weight. My parents gently invited me to consider an alternate way of living, and I entered a local weight loss program. In that program, I met a number of women struggling with the similar problems. I lost almost 100 pounds, and I thought that I was on top of the world.

Then reality hit me. Being healthy isn’t just about eating a certain amount of calories or exercising a certain amount of time. Being healthy is about eating nutritious foods that fuel the body, exercising, and tending to inward health…and a lot of other things, but eating nutritious food, exercising, and tending to my inward health are the areas of my latest focus.

About a year ago, I was introduced to clean eating (aka if a 7-year-old can’t pronounce the ingredient, you shouldn’t eat it) and mindful eating.

I began to think about the ways that local weight loss program got it right—watching portions, listening to when your body is full. And then I thought what was I missing at the program: the emotional engagement and accompaniment.

There are really great weight loss coaches who are there every step of the way, but I needed more than how was your week…I needed how did you grow up with food types of things and how was your week, really.

Clean eating can be daunting, but there are a lot of tools out there that I’ve found to be incredibly helpful. Michael Pollan is one of my favorite authors and someone I look up to in regards to food and clean eating. From Food Rules, In Defense of Food, to the Omnivore’s Dilemma, Pollan offers the reader ways to engage their community and environment in new and dynamic ways—through eating and choosing foods.

I also recommend another book, Savor, by Dr. Lilian Cheung and Thich Nhat Hanh. Both Cheung and Hanh remind us to slow down in a number of ways —not just with eating—but also with how we are in such a quick movement to the next thing.

Daily Grub, a local restaurant here in Omaha, has an open table for you to eat and experience whole and local food. Bring cash, they don’t accept credit cards and bring your appetite. Nom nom nom.

There are lots of ways to incorporate healthy living these days. We have access to a lot around us, but sometimes our bodies have ways of telling us when to slow down and ways of choosing health—listen to it.

Maybe eat a few extra vegetables during those parties. Maybe write a letter to a loved one and also give him/her a call. And maybe get those eight hours of sleep you were thinking about.

I know the holidays can sometimes get the best of us, but maybe this time we can make an early resolution for our health instead of waiting until January 1, 2011.

When we’re able to access our emotions and full health we make some damn good community members.

Holiday Hustle

A good friend reminded me of the time I did this fun countdown til summer thang....so, here we have the holiday hustle. Same idea...we have lots of holiday things coming up and I know for me that I don't always take care of myself very well. I also hate the winter and sort of want to give up on life. But this winter I want to choose to at least show up...here's my list:

Write a letter a week and actually mail it
Meditate, pray & journal each day
Put together a puzzle instead of watching tv (I need to find a puzzle)!
Run and lift 3/days a week
Work out even though I'm exhausted from work
Run the stairs at the Y monthly
Celebrate NSV (non-scale victories)
Set a goal for my 30th bday (Mar 1, 2011! WOOHOO) (30 til 30! I want to lose 30 pounds by my 30th bday...let's do it to it!)
Make a savings plan
Walk Dolly even when it's cold

quick update

I didn't realize that being in front of a computer so often during the day gave me more time to type and blog :) SO, I'm on my feet most of the day working at Trader Joe's...

I'm burning around 3600-4100 calories a day...just by working on my feet. It's kind of a nice change from sitting in a desk 8 hours a day. I just need to figure out how to still work out when i'm dead tired...and still be a functioning person in my family. :)

Any ideas? If you work on your feet all day...how do you not get exhaaaaausted?!?!

Do you love me?

When was the last time you told yourself: I love you? 

No, really. This will be a short little blog...if you're reading this via facebook, twitter or plain ole blogger...leave a comment.

Let your comment be:

I love you, your name. Your name.

ex: I love you, Jara. Jara

Transition: Another First Week

I started working at Trader Joe's last week. Everything was a whirlwind a few weeks ago...I kept driving to my temp job, praying for clarity in this cloudiness of transition. I applied at Trader Joes...had a pretty fun interview and was offered a job the next day...I promptly accepted the job :).

I took one more day of jaraployment and then made my way into another first week. Working at TJ was a decision that I felt I needed to make in response to what and how I feel God moving in my life. I enjoy working with women and helping them find ways to be healthy (mind, body and soul) and TJ is a place that I can work, learn from others and have benefits :) dental, vision? Yes, please.

But more than what TJ offers me in benefits, I'm inspired by being surrounded by a number of people in career changes. From djs to social workers, I fit in this group of transitioning people. And I'm pretty darn comfortable and ready to grow.

Here's to my second week at Tjs. :)

First week of new employment

So, I managed to apply for a lot of jobs with pretty decent waiting periods...so I had to start looking for some temp positions. I had an interview, another interview and was hired and then started within four days.  Jaraployment was a little too short lived, but i'm thankful for this new little gig that I have for the next 6-8 weeks. I'm making phone calls 6 hours a day, I get an hour lunch break and i'm done by 4 pm sharp.

Things that have helped me in the transition and in me finding my health:
• I like getting off of work at 4, I get to still get to the gym and home in a decent amount of time. I likey, I likey.
• You do your job and you go home...I have only worked two days, but I know that I won't be taking any work home with me...I feel lighter as I drive home (that may be part of me shedding the past few years + this new job)
• Acknowledging the present. I had a pretty crazy weekend and then my bff Mandy reminded me...I'm going through a huge transition into the unknown...for someone who LOVES and likes to know what's next...this is a huge step for me. I am forced into looking at the very present moment. I love calendars and I love planning...this job doesn't require me to do it. I just have to show up.
• What can you handle? I was in a bad place yesterday. I asked God a series of questions...like you say that you don't give people more than they can handle...do you know me? This is too much...etc etc. I think that a lot of times, for me, when I'm faced with the unknown, I don't want to walk through it...I want to walk past it and let it figure itself out. I have to stay in this holding pattern...

The holding pattern...that's an amazing theme. I'm not saying that staying in the same place circling around is the best idea...but in our health journeys, there are times when we may not know where to go and we may go back to places that are familiar to us...but sometimes we just need to hang out in a holding pattern. And just see where we are...for the good, the bad and the ugly..the present.

jaraployment

So, September 30 marked the end of my time at WMF. I spent the next week unwinding in Maine and New York. I arrived back to Omaha ready to figure out myself and my life. I had these grand ideas of waking up each morning and walking Dolly. Then after walking Dolly I would have coffee in my new coffee mug while sitting in my sunroom meditating...and all of that would happen before nine. Then, I would make a round of oatmeal, read from the many books I need to finish and then I would leisurely walk to the Y where I would then run and lift weights. After working up a sweat, I would head home where I would take a long bath and then perhaps take a nap. Upon waking I would find myself looking through cookbooks to find the perfect dinner to make for my family. Oh what should I make? What should I make? Inspired, I'd make some delicious and intricate and detail-oriented dish with no trouble while cleaning the house from top to bottom.

Monday morning I woke up to a cold. I watched a lot of television. I journaled a bit. I got some crazy emails. Had to digest the crazy emails. Went back to trying to figure out life here at jaraployment.

I started to read "Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life." I'd waited to read this book until I was good and ready (aka diet starts Monday! mentality). I begrudgingly started to read it and felt right at home immediately. I haven't gotten in it enough to offer a great summary...but from the first part I think that the book breaks down clean and mindful eating in very accessible and adaptable ways.

So, today, I woke up, still cold-filled, and slowly made my way into Wednesday. I thought working at jaraployment has to be better than watching tv all of the time (though I do like that). I started to figure out how to recover our garden space...we had about five tomato plants fighting for the same spot...so I started to prune and pick. Then I gave Dolly a much-needed bath. She sat with the water on her, shivering...and when I finished that, I had to go back to the garden. I had a lot of thoughts while in the garden. I was thankful for the ways that God created nature to produce such amazing plants. I thought about pruning and weeding and letting things go out of control. I thought about the weeds that started to grow in our mulch...and I just kept going.

I took pictures of tomatoes that had fallen. I took pictures of our new hammock. I took pictures of Dolly sitting around. And I was happy that I worked at jaraployment for the time being.

I sat down to eat lunch...I'd thawed some bread that Caldy had made...and warmed up some soup...found my coffee mug and made some tea...and I just rested in a full day at jaraployment. I'll find myself in my hammock in a little bit.

boston, deer isle, boston, somewhere in connecticut, new york city, brooklyn

So. Since I've last blogged....

I had my last day at work. I celebrated in downtown Omaha. I rode to Kansas State in Manhattan, Kansas, aka the little apple...flew into Boston...drove with some of my most favorite people to an amazing wedding in deer isle, maine...had no cell phone service and thought this is great....celebrated an amazing amazing amazing wedding. cried, the photographer cried...a musician cried...ken cried...we all cried...

rode back to boston...walked, took the megabus to nyc...saw one of my friends from elementary school (wow so fun)...hung out w/a few of k's crew...saw besties and the concrete jungle. walked. walked. walked. walked. 

celebrated. walked. walked. 

arrived home with like 500 photos. 

will update soon. have lots to write.

Seasons of Change

September has been a month of change. I feel like the past two Septembers, this one included, have been full of changes. I'm learning that change doesn't stop – how we respond to change is more important than trying to keep things the same.

Last September I moved out of my apartment and lived with two different families. I got married in October. And this time around this September marked the last month of employment at a place I worked at for five years. It was also a time that I celebrated two weddings. And then it's the month where dear friends are moving across the country. September is the month that welcomes a new season (fall).

What do you do to celebrate new seasons? I'd like to move towards celebrating new seasons rather than dreading them...

Woe is me.

Woe is me has never been a motto that has gotten anyone anywhere ever. And that's been the motto i've had for a few days. I got discouraged about a week and a half ago, I got hit with a cold/flu and couldn't work out and eat well. Well, I could've eaten better, but when I'm feeling down and out I let most of the things that could help me, go.

So, I got home from my freelance job (I love love love it) and took a two hour nap. When I finally woke up, I stumbled around the kitchen. Looking at the dishes that needed to be done I thought this in my head...no seriously, I think this.

I just need one more day and i'll be better. I'll snap out of this. 


Life is staring me in the eyes, transitions, frustrations, hopes, dreams are all staring at me waiting for me to participate, but I've cowered and thrown up a white flag of surrender and chanted woe is me.

But I'm done. It was like a switch flipped in my head, my posture, my thinking, my perspective. I'm done giving up. I'm done being passively involved in what's happening around me. I'm tired of not taking care of myself. (I realized that I was running on a deficit today when two of my best friends asked for some help and I told them (in more ways than one) that my issues were too much for me to handle. Yes, I need to tend to what's happening with me and not overextend myself, but there are certainly better ways to handle it i'm sure). Things at work were tough, i'm dealing with transitions of things there and of friends, I feel like I can't get back into eating well and working out (I ENJOY WORKING OUT)...and I sort of gave up for a few weeks.

But. I. Am. Back.

My head's in the game. And thanks for the prayers you nice people.

I think that courage is the theme I should focus on these days.

Deep breaths...deep breaths...gotta take deep breaths.

I am one week and one day before my last day at my current job.

Think of me, pray for me, sending me gentle thoughts.

Mandy and I reminisced on some of the past years we've shared together. We laughed so hard. I snorted. I had tears running down my face. I am incredibly thankful for the years that I was able to share with some of my closest and dearest friends.

When I get stressed, I turn to food. I wish I were that person who would turn away from food when stressed. But I am who I am.

I want to feel the feelings that are swirling around my head and my body. I don't want to ignore those feelings by numbing them with food. And I think i'll try doing that with deep breaths.

Swimming Lesson Update

So, one of the things I want to do before I turn 30 is become a better swimmer. I had my first lesson today at the Y. I highly recommend swimming lessons at the Y for all ages. Our Y offers two adult lessons. The first lesson is for beginnings and the lesson I took is for those who want to improve their strokes.

I didn't realize how comfortable I would be in the water. I didn't swim as much as I wanted to this summer :(. BUT I got in the water today and was at home.

The format was simple...the instructor had me explain my goals in lessons: to become a stronger swimmer, become more familiar with the various strokes and be able to swim laps. I wasn't super confident when I began my lesson, but when I started to show her how I swim, I was alright. (side note: i'm confident that Mandy needs to be a part-time swimming instructor). I made my way to the deep end on my own. I practiced breathing. I began facing some of my anxieties.

I'm afraid of drowning...when I see that movie Perfect Storm, I get the creeps. And you know me, I siked myself out of being confident in the water. I hope by the end of my lessons I'm a more confident person in facing tasks that I thought were too scary to face.

eating clean as a family

K and I were at a going away party for some dear friends last night. Talking to oen of our friends, I noticed that she seemed lighter in a number of ways. I asked her what she was doing...she was eating clean.

We talked about what that meant to her. I shared about the lessons i've been learning from the past few months. We talked about being emotional eaters. We had shared experiences with stress and food.

K and I made our way home and talked about what we want to do as a family.

And we want to eat clean. We've already started to eat more fruits and vegetables. Now, watching portions, choosing foods that are closer to their natural state and eating foods with ingredients we recognize...the SW household gotsa get our clean eating on.

What are you eating these days? Any good recipes?

A cleanse/a detox/a cleanse/ perspective

A few weeks ago, about three, I asked one of my dear and close and inspiring and supportive friends to join me on a cleanse. She introduced me to this cleanse that I just RUUUHAAAVE about to everyone.

The Quantum Wellness Cleanse.

I wanted to do the cleanse because I was entering into an emotionally volatile situation - my last month at my job. Since I'm an emotional eater, stress makes for an interesting meal plan.

The book is great, I highly recommend it. You avoid eating refined sugars, animal products, alcohol, gluten and caffeine. Basically, you're eating clean.

A week into the cleanse I enjoyed Labor Day and returned to the cleanse...and also a detox. I lowered my calories a significant amount (I do not recommend this).

A few nights ago I began reflecting on the cleanse/detox.

Things I like:

Good variety in healthy food
Portions
Wholesome ways of eating and losing weight....nothing drastic
Eating clean
And the elements of Weight Watchers!

I struggled returning to Weight Watchers recently...I knew how to trick the plan which doesn't work :) But I think that I have enough perspective and space to return. I'm not sure when i'll return to WW officially...gotta find a job or something first :). But I can use the things I've learned in these weeks and apply those to my life.

That's it.

My letter to Summer

Hey friends,

I was so happy to be able to write for a great and local website, Omaha.net. I'm a monthly contributor on things health and health and health. :)

Check it out here and let me know what you think...what would your letter to summer be?

Leaving a Cave : Thoughts on Stress and Life

I have been writing in my journal every day for the past couple of weeks. I started a cleanse "The Quantum Wellness Cleanse" by Kathy Freston. I did it for about a week and then entered into a bit of a detox. I didn't realize how important the timing of my clean eating would be.

My last day at my current place of employment is the end of this month. When I resigned (in June) I felt an immediate wave of relief. I realized that even the uncertainty of my next step was more life giving than staying in a situation where I knew I needed to leave. Since resigning different people have noticed that I'm different. Both Kenley and my spiritual director noticed this change in me...and tonight I noticed it as well.

I was writing in my journal (love it) and wrote about how I'm noticing how incredible Kenley is. I am falling more and more in love with him and then it dawned on me...

I am coming out of a cave. 


If you're in a cave without a headlamp, your eyes have to adjust to the lack of light...you get accustomed to your dim surroundings. Colors fade into grays and blacks and dark hues of brown. And you feel your way through the ins and outs of the cave.

When you leave a cave, your eyes have to adjust to the light again...colors seem more vibrant. And you are back into the real world.

Stress is a cave. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is a way out...and sometimes it seems like just living in the cave and in the stress is easier than finding a way out.

I'm finding my way out. I know life is not easy. I also know that some things shouldn't be so hard. And life will be full of ups and downs...it's listening to those moments and growing from them that we're supposed to do....so, I'm working on seeing the light, letting my eyes adjust :)

In Freston's book she includes daily meditations to do...one of the recent ones is "I examine myself."

"Throughout the day, I will say to myself with eyes closed. I examine myself. I will always be challenged by various situations - relationship conflicts, stress at work, drama with my kids - and thus experience feelings that are uncomfortable. All of this provides the friction necessary for my personal growth. If everything went along swimmingly all the time, I would never have the opportunity to stretch myself, or work at pushing through the obstalces that keep me stagnant. In order to keep moving forward, I can step back from the feelings and examine them, noting how familiar or repetitive they are. I can think about how and when they originated so that I understand the historical progression. By realizing that we are all wounded in some way, I can look to my wounds as an opportunity to know myself better. As I come to know myself better, I will find myself connecting with other people on a deeper and more meaningful level. As I now see it, the purpose of my life is to grow and awaken to the powerful potential that is within. My most sacred mission is to focus on moving through the places that hold me back." - The Quantum Wellness Cleanse, Kathy Freston, pg. 68

Swimming Lessons: Celebrating my 20s

I'm turning 30 March 1, 2011...and I have a list of things that I want to do before i'm 30...one of them is to take adult swimming lessons :) I know how to swim, but I want to improve my swimming. SO. On a whim I signed up for swimming lessons!!! As an employee of the Y I get half off the price...so for two months of swimming lessons with a private coach. 

I.

Paid.

$17.

I'm looking forward to trying something new at our local YMCA. After reading this article Why Don't Black Americans Swim I was inspired. Are you reading anything that's inspiring you to step out of your comfort zone? 

September. A month of changes and growth.

It is the first of September. I've been counting down for this month for awhile. As many of you know I resigned from my role at WMF at the beginning of June. September 30 is my last day in the office.

I'm not sure exactly what is next. I'm thankful for a friends who are hustling for me all up and through Omaha. One of those friends introduced me to a freelancing opportunity in Omaha. I've been doing that and applying for jobs.

So this month has a lot of significance to me.
I've slowed down a bit...I'm participating in a cleanse...i'm listening to my emotions a bit more...i'm journaling a lot...and getting ready for what's next.

ALSO! I thought i'd show you my hair progress - growth!

The end of August

I'm pretty sure that this August was the fastest moving month.

Ever.

Well, second to July. Those months were moving out of the year like they stole something from May and June. Dang.

So, there are three weeks until the end of summer. How will you savor these next weeks? 

Relationships: I'm in LOVE

Kenley doesn't know what I'm about to do.

We're sitting in the living room and watching tv. I'm writing this blog on Monday...the 23rd. We're just about to hit the 24th of August...we will have been married ten months tomorrow.

I'm going to ask Kenley what are his ten favorite memories.

The Wedding.
The Honeymoon. (Miami <3)
Getting our dog, Dolly. We got her the Sunday after we got married.

He got distracted by this weird television show...dual survivors or something or rather.

Moving into our current place.
Maxwell/Jill Scott Concert in STL.
Our trip to Lexington in May.
My parents' visit.
Traveling to Nashville for our goddaughter's birthday.


Mine are:
Walking our dog together.
Working in the yard together.
Laughing really hard at something insignificant.
Cooking together. Kenley is a good good good good cook.
Sunday grocery shopping. We walk around Bakers, separately, and we are so in tune to our grocery list. It is magic.
Our wedding was pretty spectacular.
Celebrating Thanksgiving together was fun.
Talking with Kenley about what would be next for me in regards of a job...I felt so understood and loved.
ER visits with Kenley. This will always stick out to me...not a favorite like I'd like to do this again...but I love this kid and don't want anything to happen to him.
Our travels. He's a fun road tripper and airplane companion.

I've written ten...K got stuck at 8. Let's see if he has any more. (I haven't read him mine yet)

Wait for it.
Valentine's Day in KC was fun.
We went to a Japanese Steakhouse together...I(Jara) had been craving it SO much...we went straight up to Benihana. Classic.

These are just a few fun memories. I like to capture memories...I don't want to forget them.
Ever.

GARDENING: the smell of basil and tomato

Today I'm thankful for our garden. I planted basil, peppers, rosemary, tomatoes and mint.

Our mint is going crazy.

Each time I water our garden or walk through it...I'll rub my hands on the basil...basil has an unmistakable scent. After the basil I'll touch the tomato plants. It doesn't take much for the tomato plants to offer a pretty strong aroma. And I love the smells.

Basil and tomatoes have a really strong presence and always sorta scream summer.

I'm happy for our garden.

A Marathon?

A fellow gym member has mentioned that she wants to run a marathon.
She asked me to run it with her.
I asked K if he would run it.
He said he would train with me.

Should I train for a marathon for my 30th?

Introducing!!!!

Me!

I have some of the most incredible friends. They are making introductions on my behalf, sending out my resume, you know...being incredible friends.

One of my friends put me in touch with the editors of Omaha.net. Omaha.net is a pretty fun online place for you to get all of the information you need about Omaha, I mean everything. I will be contributing to a blog on health once a month.

Big smiles.

I have a few ideas floating around my head. I'm looking forward to writing again. I'm looking forward to having a writing deadline. I'm also looking forward to having my work edited. I'm looking forward to putting some writing roots in Omaha. I don't know how to explain this very well, but i'm looking forward to connecting to Omaha in a way through my writing.

Stay tuned as I'm sure I'll let you know when I'm posting online!

Turning 30....a way to celebrate

I want to learn how to Chicago step.
Anyone know where I can learn?

All smiles and the chronology of my journey

Today I decided I would mix up my Turbo Kick routine a little bit...I mixed my routine up with some older rounds and newer rounds. It was really fun. I had some new participants and some old participants...and no mic.

So. I had fun. I screamed. My voice cracked. And I didn't care. I was there in class loving life.

At the end of class I mentioned that one of my friends was a personal trainer at another Y and also a massage therapist. A few people came up to her after class and asked her some questions. One woman, i'll call her Mary, came up to me and we ended up chatting. She said that she loved taking my class and Nick's class because we made it so inclusive. I told her that's the beauty of health, health should be accessible to anyone. I told her about my own health journey and that I was close to 230 pounds a few years ago and I decided to take my health seriously. I joined Weight Watchers and was in all of the Y classes I could take. There was a point during all of those classes that I knew I wanted to become an instructor.

After class I walked downstairs, full of sweat, and some new participants asked me more questions. They wanted to know when I taught and if the class could take 12 more people. I said of course. The new participants are part of a local program and they said that they enjoyed the class and wanted to keep coming - it was good for them. I smiled. I'm not perfect at working out or teaching, but I am all smiles.

I left the gym floating. I called my workout instructor inspiration and told him thank you for what he does.

This is where I've come from...
















To now:

Be Your Inspiration

This week...be your inspiration.

I get healthy competition...like seeing someone jumping high in class...and then being all...I want to jump higher than that person.

But, still. Be your own inspiration. Society encourages us and even forces us to be in a constant place of comparing ourselves to others...of course we can't be happy where we are, we must always look to who we aren't.

I don't buy that anymore. I remember running across the finish line during my first half-marathon...and being so excited. I was inspired. If I would've been comparing myself to the number of people who were ahead of me in the race I wouldn't have been able to celebrate that moment if I had based my accomplishments on what someone did or didn't do.

Today, I'm choosing to be inspired in the moments of today...and not compare myself or my situation to others.

Celebrate where you are today...you've come a long way from yesterday.

Health 'n' Hair

It's only been two months since I chopped my hair off...I know, weird huh. My hair is growing like a beautiful plant. I really like it. Today I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled...and said, I really like my hair.

So, Friday night K and I went to our friend Caleb's art opening. It took us 30 minutes to get into the actual show. We kept running into friends and catching up. It was really fun to celebrate. Moving on...I'm chatting it up with friends Emily and Amanda when a stranger, who looks familiar, taps me on the shoulder. She asks if I would be interested in attending a natural hair meet up. I was so happy that I wanted to scream a little bit. OFCOURSE. I'll get to learn from others who are vets and newbies and figure out what they use...how to make homemade products! And anyone who wants to come can come...anyone who wants to learn more about hair and good hair products.

Finding like-minded people who care for their hair and their health inspires me...

What's inspiring you today?

Why I'm a Workout Instructor

I never became a workout instructor because of the money, trust me. I remember writing some New Year's Goals one year and becoming a workout instructor was one of them. I enjoyed going to classes where the instructors encouraged me to try new things and to try harder. I enjoyed the camaraderie they created in classes. And I liked that they were in class for us...they weren't getting their own workout, they were there for us.

Now, with all of that, I'm not saying that I want people to look to me for those things.

I became a workout instructor so I could witness people's transformation into their truer selves. 

I've been a member at the Y for a number of years and am pretty familiar with the people there. When I began teaching at First Comp I had a new group of people who had never done Turbo Kick before. I'll never forget those first few weeks of class. Remembering those classes keeps me inspired in these current classes. We've all heard it...the participants become the instructors :) They truly have.

So, let me give you the top 5 reasons I'm a workout instructor:
1. I like seeing the moment when people get a complicated workout routine and then explain it to others.
2. I like to have fun.
3. I enjoy being inspired by people's growth - not just physically but also emotionally and socially. I've seen people become more confident in themselves through classes...nothing I've done...that's all them.
4. I like setting up the groundwork but then stepping out of the way allowing the students to lead the way. I think i've said that before.
5. Seeing the familiar faces each week.

Wakey wakey...

Since cutting out a majority of the processed sugar in my diet I've noticed that I am able to wake up a lot easier than before. There were days I would drag myself out of bed, go to the bathroom, turn the tv on and then go back to bed. But the past two weeks I've caught myself getting up before my alarm or having an easier time waking up than normal.

And I'm happy. I remind myself of how it felt to go to sleep with an overly full stomach...and how it felt to wake up in the morning in a sugar hangover.

AND...why am I awake right now.

:) Good night folks.

Week One: Gym Therapy

I finished the first week of trying to watch what I'm eating...I feel like my body has fell into a natural way of eating that feels good. I am some seafood and dairy. I'm lactose intolerant, but I'm learning that if I eat dairy that is closest to the source I'm usually good.

Last night I wasn't sure I was going to stick with it. I was craving a lot of brownies, dense chocolate cake and some icecream. I stopped and listened to what was happening. I was freaking out about returning to work. I've been away from the office for almost three weeks - with my office's conference and our week of vacation - I wasn't sure I could get back in the swing of a 9-5 without a nap.

Today was one of those days. I'm thankful I made it out alive...during the day I was giving a friend an hour-by-hour update on what was happening and I told him that I wasn't sure I was going to go to the gym. He teaches this class...Body Attack, it's a hot mess. I told him that I had three goals...1) drive by the gym 2) go to half of his class 3) finish his class.

At the end of the day I was spent but I had this epiphany. I'm so tired of the following:
1) People telling me what I should or should not do with my body, feelings, emotions...I mean, I welcome people and their concerns for my well-being. What I'm tired of is allowing people to affect my mood and stress level to the point that I allow that to be more of a priority over my health. There have been times I've left work just to leave and go home and take a nap to ignore the day. I had the familiar head and fatigue around 430....and all of a sudden I realized I'm not letting stress dictate my day.
2) Allowing stress to dictate my day...I've allowed stress to tell me when to sleep, stay awake...what to eat, what not to eat...when to exercise, when to not exercise...when to talk...when to be quiet. Stress has become my familiar friend, but today I chose my health above stress...

AND I GOT MY GYM THERAPY!

I looked at the clock..it was 5:30 and I decided to start my workout...looked at the clock...6...thought well I can stay and see if I can make it through this next song...I would make it...then I realized that there's just two more songs...then I made it to the end. I made it. From 5:30-6:30 I felt like myself again.

I need to remember this feeling...I'm sort of floating. I made it home, finished my workout, and have felt incredibly relaxed. And I didn't have to say a word during therapy...I just had to be.

Get your gym therapy today.

211 Days until I'm 30

Today is August 1.

I turn 30 in 211 days and I'm so excited!!!!

In seven months I'll be celebrating my birthday!!!!

And I'm going to enjoy every single day until my birthday and celebrate health.

And I need to finish my list of health things I wanna do.

I want to blog more about that list this week.

Yeah!

Friendships: Near and Far

Apparently I'm known to have several friends who are long-distance friends. Some of my besties live states away and even countries and oceans away. Kenley and I were long-distance for three years. My parents live 12 hours away. 

We chat, text, email, send letters...manage to keep in touch as much as possible over technology and all. 

But I still get homesick for those friendships to be close to me. Some of these people know me better than I do. Some of these friends have known me since high school...like really really known me. And my college friends, they know when to call me out on some of my stuff. 

I treasure those friendships that are so far and appreciate the friendships that I've found in Omaha in the past five years. I think that part of my journey in health (yes, it's a journey that will keep going) is having people around you (near and far) who will be true friends to you - near and far. 

Some of the most transformative times in my life have been through the words of friends and family. They see me better than I see myself...and know when I'm not being the truest Jara. 

I hope that you have friends/family like that in your life. They are priceless. 

two months since the big chop

It's been two weeks since I cut all of my relaxed hair off of my head...now I have a little fro...but I'm not sure what to do with it right now. I'm going to spend some time this afternoon looking at different styles...any thoughts? Suggestions? :)

Disregard the photo...I just finished working out and gardening...and I'm watching a Lifetime movie.

day three...four?

I don't remember. I'm feeling more and more like myself these days! Something I've started to realize is that I don't need to count my calories every day...or mark them I mean. I'm eating a fairly clean way these days and I have found more freedom than I ever have. If you're struggling with calorie counting, read this blog, it's really good.

Day Two....exhaustion

Oopsies. I didn't eat enough before a lot of my workouts yesterday. I did my p90x workout, practice Turbo...and then taught the craziest Turbo I've taught in awhile, after every segment we did two Turbos...it was sort of a HIIT training...I came home and did my 15 minute Turbo Fire workout...

and then was really hungry.
And I ate a salad really fast.
And then I drank a lot of water.
And I didn't feel real well.
I only recovered by sitting still...taking a nap and everything...and not going to my friend's Turbo class.

I feel a lot better today though. I think that I'll probably post each day for just this first week...then I'll go weekly (I hope) until my birthday.
:)

Day One...eating and working out

This was the first day of working out...like really working out since I went on retreat...and it's also the first day of my adjusted way of eating.

How do I feel?

I'm feeling tight. When I got a massage a few weeks ago the massage therapist mentioned that my hip flexors were incredibly tight. I've noticed the tightness, too. My roundhouse kicks have been quite difficult...I skip out on stretching sometimes. And I'm just plain tight. So today I did what the program said to do...a 10 minute stretch routine on Turbo Fire. It was heavenly. I want to get more flexible...so I'd like to also attend more yoga classes.

I'm also feeling hungry. I'm not as hungry as I eat I am...heee. That was funny to me. I'm not as hungry as I think I am. I also noticed that food tasted differently today...I finally had some of the first tomatoes from our garden. Heavenly.

Will give you a report tomorrow.

peace.

Working Out + Natural Hair

I had an epiphany last week. I don't hesitate to work out, sweat or even swim.

I always made my hair appointments for Saturday afternoons...by that time I would've gotten a workout in and I would have a chance to get an individual workout on Sunday so my hair would get that initial I just got my hair done sweat/scent out. I hated how my hair would smell after a relaxer...and when I would sweat it seemed like I would run around class apologizing for the smell. No one else smelled it...I was the only person to smell it.

Since cutting my hair I've noticed that I workout in a different way. During our work conference last week I went swimming without thinking about my hair...I knew all I had to do was wash my hair...throw some product in it and let it air dry.

It just made me happy.

30 things...

Thirty things until I'm thirty....August 1 is coming up soon...and that means I'll have what 7 months until March 1? I don't do math...help!

dang. THIS IS HARD!

What do you think of my list? It's to the right...
and below :)
Design new tattoo
Get professional photos taken for birthday
Keep in touch with friends and family
Make Savings Plan
Meditate, Pray, Journal in Mornings
Not watch Fresh Prince and SBTB every morning
Participate in no spending month (August)
Plan 30th Birthday Vacation Package
Run Outside
Sign up for swimming lessons
Start and Complete P90X
Start and complete Turbo Fire
Track Meals Daily (calories/points/being full/hungry)
Write a chapter to the book I want to write about health & being a black woman

Where have I been?

Watching a lot of MTV. One of my college BFFs came into town before a work event we had to attend. We seriously might've watched 24 hours of MTV...a nice combo of the hills and the city.

Nebraska City at the Lied Lodge Center for my work's trinneal (every three years...how do I spell that?) Staff Gathering aka Work Retreat aka Conference.
Ten days.

Returned to Omaha to leave for Kansas City the same day...got into KC late...left for Nashville super early.

Nashville. Celebrate goddaughter's 4th birthday. Actually felt the most relaxed I'd felt in a long long time...something about the innocence, curiosity and joy of children!

Kansas City. Omaha.

And here I am.

A few pounds heavier, a couple of surprising zits and somehow some weird renewed sense of health...at least a direction I want to go.

This is what happens to me...all of the time...when I know my routine will be thrown off, I sort of give up...I'll try for the first few days to keep a workout and eating routine. I'd even planned and prepared for a cleanse at our retreat...but I didn't have it in me. The last day of the retreat I had an epiphany...finally. I've talked about the enneagram before...the whole I don't like to be out of control or experience bad feelings I'll just eat my feelings/emotions and take seconds epiphany.

So, two weeks off does not do a body good. I exercised as I could. I swam which I haven't done in a long time. I ran. I used the elliptical machine. I danced a TON. I also drank more than I normally do...and ate lots of food that I normally don't get to eat. And i'm seeing the results on my thighs and hips and face....

BUT.
BUT.
BUT. I'm not beating myself up. I had to correct a few people who were talking about their bodies in weird negative ways...and I had to remind myself to be gentle to myself, too.

Lives don't change with ridicule and mocking...I think lives change, even our own, when we get into a true relationship with ourselves....mind, body and soul. Let's get to know ourselves this week...

If you're interested...keep track of ways that you're learning about yourself this week...blog, tweet, facebook, email about it. Can't wait to meet you. :)

Update on life...and blog stalking.

I'm back on the blog...I just came off of a very full ten days at the Word Made Flesh Staff Gathering aka Conference aka Work Retreat. It was amazing to see our North American staff in one place...it's quite an amazing thing to be able to witness. I didn't have a lot of time to blog, but I'm back now with lots of thoughts and things to update you on.

So, first, thanks to all of those who follow my blog privately. It was fun to see who was reading my blog at our retreat aka work retreat aka conference aka fun. I had no idea that what I would write might be interesting sometimes. I do write about crazy stuff.

Second, if you didn't know this already, i'm making an announcement now. I'm officially transitioning out of WMF at the end of September. I just finished my fifth year at WMF and have felt that I was being called to something different. I am looking forward to this new season of my life. I'm really excited to see what it means for my season of wedded bliss, too. I've been so busy at work and at times so stressed I was surprised I didn't have any gray hairs...that I haven't had much to give to this really fun part of my life...newlyweddedness. I have no idea what the future holds for me right now. I'm thankful for the people in my life who have introduced me to lots of other people in the Omaha area and I'm confident that God will put me in the right place at the right time - hopefully end of August/Septemberish :).

Third, if you know anything about the Enneagram, you'll get this, if you don't, check it out. But I'm a 6...with a 7 wing. Doesn't make a ton of sense. BUT...the 7's basic fear is of being deprived and in pain...they avoid harsh emotions...

welcome the anxious 6...who wants to avoid pain and enter the emotional eater. When we were in the middle of saying goodbye to all of the staff this morning...I was sort of just observing what was happening. I told a friend that I needed to watch someone cry so I could tap into my emotions. I felt like I was watching the scene from above the clouds...but not really getting into it. This was quite the eye-opening moment for me. I found quite the funny combination of my anxiety...emotionless...trying to have fun self...I began to cry and then laugh...I was hysterical. I was crying and laughing with a friend...and then allowed my emotions to hang out with us too.

I've been trying to figure out...if I'm emotional eater than where are my emotions...then I realized that I'd been trying to hide them for quite awhile...I think they're coming out for awhile. And i'm happy about it.

I hope that you have an amazing day.

Where am I?

Well first...I've been away from my blog for a little bit. I'm at a work event for the next six days and have been here since Monday.

Yesterday I was working off of two deadlines for other things...and I almost went through an entire pack of gum. Friend and coworker and current roommate Mandy got a piece of gum...saw that it was almost over and she asked me if I had eaten it all.

Ofcourse.

When I am stressed I want to get some type of aggression out...I chew chew chew.

I did one day of the cleanse...and the next day I didn't think that I could do it. I had a headache and have had to be emotionally awake for a lot of things. I hadn't spent enough time on my own to reflect, journal or just read...and went back to my same coping mechanisms.

I am fascinated at how quickly my body goes back to the familiar. Friend and coworker Sarah Lance shared tonight about freedom and being in slavery. Like you know I have a tattoo on my wrist, freedom...

So, where am I? I'm in the midst of realizing that with freedom I need to understand what courage means. I have to look at things that I thought were safe to me and see them for what they are...just ways to deal with life rather than experience life.

I reflected a few days ago about my relationship with food...I tame my emotions (feeling and expressing emotions) with food. At times I'd rather not deal with my emotions. And at times I'd rather not have to explain my emotions. I'd rather feel my emotions with food than actually feel them.

But I want to start feeling my emotions. My emotions aren't the enemy...I'm not my enemy...but trying to pretend that I'm not an emotional person is an enemy.

If you're an emotional eater, what do you all do to express your emotions?

So i'm back on the bandwagon of eating clean...clean as possible. With my maybe PCOS I need to take myself seriously...

addiction

I just sent my friend a text message to tell him that I needed to have an intervention. I need someone to call A&E and have me on their show Intervention because OMG I didn't realize how addicted to sugar I was.

Yes, I am stressed. It's been a stressful couple of months. But I haven't let myself feel the stress until one day I was shaking so bad from a day at work and I couldn't open up a piece of candy...I was like, omg, I am an addict.

After my doctor's appointment and suggested diagnosis of PCOS and an encouragement of a significant diet...I've tried to tell myself, this is the last day I'll eat like this, tomorrow it will be.

Ouch.

Today is a new day. I ate some sugar, but I'm starting new and need to figure out what's going on with my body. I am learning that my body is not the enemy...I love my body. And it loves me. And it just wants a little TLC. omg I'm a poet.

+ ways to celebrate entering into my 30s

I've gotten a lot of advice about transitions and leaving...for hair...jobs, etc. One that has stuck out to me is to communicate that you are walking out and walking on and also that you aren't leaving but you are moving on.

I just noticed a friend's facebook album that was all about her celebrating her 20s...she got herself a photoshoot. I so want to do that.

What is something fun that you will do to celebrate moving onto your next birthday?

a diagnosis

I absolutely love my doctor. If you're in Omaha, let me know and I will recommend you a million times to Family HealthCare.

I've been feeling incredibly worn out lately. I wake up exhausted, I go through my day just as exhausted...and I can't seem to shake any weight off. This is not to be dramatic, but there were days that I was burning over 3000 a day and eating maybe 1500...and I would do that for a week. And you all know calories in calories out...3500 calories = a pound. I would have a deficit of 10,500 calories in a week...and with the math that would mean I should be losing 3 pounds a week.

But I wasn't. For the past two years I've gained and lost the same 10 pounds. Lots of rolled up fists, tears...pep talks, calories cut, exercise increased...but nothing.

The same story would show up on the scale and I would find more motivation and determination.

I thought I had hypothyroidism...but my doctor has a feeling that I probably am encountering what Crocker has mentioned in her blog, PCOS. I had some tell-tale signs of it before losing weight...but some of those signs are masked by my taking birth control every day.

So, enter what I have to do...PCOS, like what Crocker mentions in her blog, is really difficult to manage without weight loss, but PCOS makes it quite difficult to lose weight.

Now, I am encouraged to cut out sugars and starches, no bread, no rice...I will continue to get my carbs from fruits and vegetables...and I'm encouraged to exercise a little bit more. My calorie intake will lower from what it is at 1750...and my exercise will increase. Getting my weight down will help me manage PCOS...isn't that so weird that PCOS can do that to your body...gain weight yet make it hard to lose it...but if you lose it, you can shake PCOS off your back for a little bit.

Even though I was on the verge of tears in the doctor's office, I felt understood and heard...and I feel like my body and all of the inner workings of my body breathed a collective sigh of relief. I know that this won't be easy, but I'm encouraged with all of my friends and family who are working through their own health issues...

keep your head up...it inspires me to do it as well.

500th Post...

Just noticed that today is my 500th post on this blog...and what's more fitting than to repost a great blog by my mom:


Each morning, we have the opportunity to have a fresh start. As my pastor says, "We can look back, but we cannot go back." We can learn from the past, but we cannot live there... take advantage of each new day.

Fresh starts... Wanda is a dear friend who lives in Tennessee. Recently retired, Wanda has started a new business designing, making, and selling jewelry. In addition, to making jewelry, she also designs hats and is a talented seamstress. She has a vision...


In Omaha, Daphne and her best friend, Ann Marie are starting a new business. They will be making yogurt... I had a sample... I have mentioned the business in a previous post... The yogurt ...smooth...creamy... and made locally in Omaha. Young women with a vision, I wish them well. No matter the age, fresh starts are always available.

Welcome new beginnings, stay the course in your life, and finish well.

accidents move to shoulder

I saw a sign "Accidents Move to Shoulder" when driving on the interstate. It caught my attention after receiving a massage last week...I carry my stress in my shoulders.

That little phrase reminded me that a lot of times in moments of crises and times of trouble we push those moments away so we can keep going...and everyone else can keep going. We might glance to the side and notice what happened, wonder what happened....and keep moving.

I mean, of course accidents on the street should move over...but in our lives, we shouldn't discard the experiences and moments that trouble us...we shouldn't move them to our shoulders and just carry them. We should experience them and learn from them. And pay attention to them. Move those moments into your heart and experience them...don't let them get stuck on your shoulders.

freedom: thoughts on health

I have a tattoo on my left wrist...I've explained it before...my tattoo is FREEDOM in a beautiful font.

I initially wanted to get it when I got to my WW goal weight...I wanted to signify that I was finally free from this extra weight. SInce I hadn't gotten to my goal weight, I knew that I was supposed to get the tattoo...in health, there is no finish line, we're always in a journey and always looking for ways to live lives full of freedom.

I put the tattoo on my wrist because it's where there would be handcuffs...I've been chained to so many things in my life and have had to declare (and have had people tell me to declare) freedom. It is easy to go back to the same ways...and sometimes our past can keep us captive and prevent us from living in the freedom of the present.

I choose to celebrate the ways that I have found freedom...and celebrate the ways that I will continue to find freedom and declare freedom.

keep it up.

yes I do like the curl in my hair

I'm getting to know my hair more and more...it's a fascinating relationship, a fascinating and new relationship. I'm trying to put less processed items in my hair...and let it grow and grow and grow...and just drink in the nutrition that I may or may not have given it in the past years. I feel like myself more and more each day.

What are you doing in your life...what choices are you making that are making you feel more and more like yourself?

Thanks for the follows...

Mom has had more followers on her blog than I have...she actually blogs much more regularly than I do and I love love love love her blog. Thank you for following me...and if you want to read and get to know me a little bit more...and see who one of my inspirations is...check out my mom!

july 1

July has arrived. There's no slowing time down, but there is enjoying each second of the day.

Today marks eight months until my 30th birthday...244 days...i'm not counting or anything! :)

Here are some of the things that I'd like to do to celebrate my 30th day. (Nikki, how can I put my list on the side?)
I won't list out all 30 things now...I don't even know what they will be, but I think that I'd like to take a few at a time each month.

In July I would like to:
- Not watch Fresh Prince and SBTB every morning...but use my time in the morning to journal, prayer and read
- Make a savings plan
- Track my meals every day
- Write a chapter to the book I want to write about health, being a woman, and being a black woman
- Run outside

I'll be in and out of Omaha for July because of the staff gathering for WMF...so I'd like to really make sure that in the midst of a really busy few days that I'm able to still find ways to be healthy.

new little look

I changed my blog template...I don't know, what do you think? I also don't know much about changing the template that much...do you have any favorite gadgets/add-ons/widgets???

courage

I think that one of the things that I have learned in the past few years regarding my health journey is courage and fearlessness. I recently heard a description of fearlessness that makes so much sense. It's not about not fearing anything or not acknowledging fear, fearlessness is about knowing about the fear, it's also about knowing the fear and facing it.

I think in lots of times in my life i've heard reflections of...take care of your family, do your job...but when you have time, take care of yourself. It takes a lot of courage to let yourself be important...not in a way that disregards the rest of the world, but in a way that acknowledges the care that you need for your own body. I've been reflecting on this for awhile...this idea of loving our neighbors as ourselves. We need more love around the world. For ourselves and for others.

Love.

all you have to do is breathe

I won't get tired of being reminded to breathe. In the P90X yoga the instructor reiterates the need to just breathe...some of the moves will be difficult, but all you do have to do is breathe.

I love it.

We will always be in the midst of change. That's the nature of life. We have a choice to welcome it or ignore it. Today I welcome it and see how it will change me and grow me.

the other things i think about

Yes, I think health is attached to all parts of our lives...mind, body and soul. When one of those is out of whack, we are out of whack people and wacky people. You know those people in your lives who seem a little off and they sort of cyclone their mess everywhere? I've been that person before...sometimes I still am.

But I wanted to give you a little glimpse into other things that I am passionate about at this moment.

Circles and what they mean for the hope and future of organizations, our communities and our world
Marriage - K and I celebrated our 8 months of marriage, it's really fun, we are growing a lot
Family - I love my family, they came to visit this week, they recenter me in a way that no one else can.
Garden - I saw our first tomato today...small but it's there
Diversity/Inclusion - This has always been on my heart...let's be real, 100 years ago, what would a black woman be doing...and what would you be doing, let's start this conversation and figure out how to make our communities better places for everyone
Friends - I have been surrounded by amazing friends who are family
Healthy food - honoring the body
Justin Bieber - :)

You all love me.

My journey...ups and downs

One of my friends posted a blog about experiencing a health plateau. If you look through some of my older posts from three years ago..you'll notice the shift of some my blog posts.

I had gotten very close to my goal weight, I was ten pounds away from losing some 97 pounds. I was on top of the world, but the last ten pounds were slipping through my fingers. At that time I couldn't name what was going on with me.

In that year of losing weight I had people commenting on my weight like never before, I had found new confidence, I was wearing new clothes, I got lots of stars and prizes at Weight Watchers. But then everything that I had been doing didn't seem to work anymore. It actually felt like my body was fighting against me and it was totally unfair.

Looking back at that time I wish I had taken a moment to really celebrate what I had accomplished beyond the scale. I lost my confidence as I actually had attached it to the number on the scale. I had put so much emphasis on the weight that I stopped paying attention to my emotions. I love WW and all that it has taught me, I love counting points/calories/portions, but what's more important for me and my health is paying attention to my emotions. There was a reason that I had gotten to 230 + pounds and that reason was still there in a girl who was almost 100 pounds lighter.

This part of my health journey is different...most of the changes I've seen have been internal and feel foundational. I encourage anyone who is struggling with a plateau to listen to their bodies...what is actually happening, what can you celebrate. Sometimes I got so involved in the end result of weight loss that I forgot that the most important part of the journey is the process and being present in it. That's life.

You got this!

sweet sweet saturdays.

I crave the pace of Saturdays. I don't know, some of the mornings I have remind me of playing YMCA soccer as a kid.

I would wake up, stumble around and find my shin guards, my socks, my uniform and wait for my parents and brother. Water bottle ready...are we bringing snacks, oranges. Off to the field. I love the magical feeling when you arrived on the field. If you ever played soccer, you know what it is...it was the best when you caught a morning game, the morning fog would start to burn, the sun start to rise, and you'd feel the humidity start to grow near your feet. If I was in one of the first games, the soccer complex would be empty, it was a glorious feeling. Ball out, gear down, and that first dribble and warm up. Gosh. I miss the days of soccer. I'm enjoying the world cup because just watching the game, my muscles have their sweet memory!

SO, this morning, I woke up, stumbling, got my gear to teach class. Grabbed my Itouch, water bottle and was in my car on my way. We live close to the gym and i'm thankful for that...cause I was running a little late. At the gym, checked in on foursquare, and made my way to the 3rd floor room...got the music playing and was in the zone.

I made it home, worked in the garden, finished my workout, ate my lunch...and am now trying to figure out what my week of blogs will be. And it's not even noon yet.

I love love love love Saturdays. It's the lucky day stuck between two days of....Friday...it's a work day...sort of want to sleep when I get home day...and then Sunday...oh tomorrow's Monday. Saturday lasts forever in my books and that's okay.

my 30th Birthday

I am excited to turn 30 next year. Just being with my parents this weekend reaffirmed my excitement to turn 30. My parents have poured their lives out for me and my brother and every single life is a miracle. And I am so freaking thrilled to turn 30. Sometimes I wonder if people will take me more seriously, but you know what, if people don't take me seriously now, turning 30 won't change a thang...

I'm starting a new challenge for whole health and whoever is interested can join. In anticipation for my next birthday I am going to find healthy things that I want to do or continue doing....or stop doing as a gift to myself. Being healthy is the best gift I can give to myself and to others.

If you want to join me, let me know, stay tuned, i'll start blogging a bit more about it in a few days.

taking a deep breath and stepping back

what a week...it's only Tuesday.
really.
my right side of my face has found its familiar twitch.
i see the familiar faces of my mom and dad.
and they calm me down.
they are my favorites.
and they make me laugh.
and i have to take a real deep breath, hold it for a second, step back and exhale and think, i love my family.

hello summer...why do you cry?

Summer arrived in Omaha with a bang. Thunder, lightning and rain. I was amazed at the fury at which mother nature found us waiting for summer....I got up late this morning and recorded a quick video to congratulate everyone who participated on the 31 days til summer challenge.

It was then that I found it fitting that summer arrived with a rain shower, at least for me. I'm at home on a vacation day spending time with my mom and dad. There are times in our lives where we can say, I have achieved selflessness, x, y and z, but then as soon as I'm in relationship with someone those very things that I held onto as achieved come crashing down.

When rain shows up, it can wash away things that we're done with, things that should go off into the abyss of nature...and then it also exposes things that we thought we had dealt with. I find myself being shown grace and mercy every day through friends and family. I am allowing the grace of God to wash over me today...and invite me into this new season.

I saw summer with new eyes today and i'm glad. I did my p90x...which was 90 minutes of yoga...and dang, every single time I do it, there will be tears. I'm not sure what will be happening with me, but I'll only be by myself...I must face myself in those moments....my fragility, my utter dependence on God and God's creation. It's weird, during the stretches I'll see my leg and notice the little mole that i've had on my leg for my entire life...i'll notice the color of my skin...i'll notice my hair is getting longer...and then I'll hear my parents walking around upstairs in our house and I can't help but be incredibly grateful and thankful for God and the way that God created my family and then me.

And then, I do look at my skin, dang, it's kind of nice, looks like chocolate and I'm glad. I'm falling in love with myself more and more each day...not in that prideful don't mess with me way, but you know what, I've had years of looking at myself and yelling at my body for not doing things another way or not looking another way, but today, I choose to embrace the body God has given me....mind, body and soul and allow God to continue to mold me! If I can't love myself...then how in the world can I really love anyone else...treat your neighbor as yourself...thoughts? questions?

LOVE. me.

Turbo Kick Tears + Gratitude

This morning I woke up around 7. I initially wanted to get up a little bit earlier, but 7 is what my body wanted and it's what it got. I can't convince my body to wake up any earlier than it can...it's fairly remarkable. I can sleep through all of Dolly's panting and wanting to be walked and all of that madness.

So, I get to the Y ready to teach Turbo. There weren't as many people as last week, but I attribute part of that to the College World Series, but those who showed up were great. My favorite workout instructor and more importantly one of Kenley and I's dear dear friends showed up. My friend inspired me to become an instructor and always pushed me to do more.

We have a fun relationship, we're more similar than either of us would probably even like to admit. We have dry humor and a strong sense of sarcasm. I think we're probably both headstrong and stubborn with a strong twist of emotion and passion. Okay, we are....not so much I think :) I met him while we were waiting for a class to start, neither of us were instructors yet, but we were both front row divas. I told him that we were probably just going to be friends. I usually know when I meet someone...friend or not friend. We were friends. K and I enjoy being friends with our friend and partner. They reflect love and inspire us to love more and well.

Anyway, in class we carry funny conversations with each other...sometimes accusing the other of doing something wrong or asking for help on something we don't know how to do something.

I walk in, a little bit tired, without my allergy medicine and without my notes. But i'm pretty sure I can figure things out. My friend corners me and says that he has a gift. To be honest, I'm thinking that it's going to be Turbo Round 41 or something. But my friend goes into a speech about being proud of me for doing the 31 day challenge...becoming a beachbody coach...losing a weight, etc. I was blown away. I was just talking to Mandy about the difficulty of accepting thanks. Or was it Marcia. It may have been both women. Ha. Anyway, tangent. So, we hugged. And he handed me a box that held a bodybugg display. Kenley and I bought me a bodybugg a few months ago and it's changed my life. I usually wait until our internet is working at home and upload my information, but now I can see things in real time.

I was floored. Got a little teary eyed, had my voice crack a little bit, but had to get it together to teach. But I've thought about it all day long and i'm sure that i'll continue to think about it for awhile. I was full of gratitude for so many things.

I am thankful that I have friends and family who care for me. They will call me out on things when they see something...they will encourage me when they see that I need it and they will love love love me. And in turn, I will do the same for them. My first instinct after receiving a gift and/or kind words is to immediately return them. I sort of keep track of most things. It's weird, I know. But today I had to be present in the moment and reflect on the past three or so years of my friendships with some people who have inspired me to be healthy. I can't imagine what it would be like if my parents hadn't told me to go to Weight Watchers...or that Brent didn't work on making sure that WMF employees could get a discount at the Y...or that I didn't start going to Body Attack...and that I didn't meet Noemi or Nick...or so many other people.

Who do you need to encourage today? Who do you need to thank? How do you need to receive today? And where is your gratitude?

I am incredibly thankful for so many people today and I receive their support.

31 things challenge Update

So...we're close to the challenge coming to an end...like I said before, I'm gathering up people for the next challenge, you in? want more info? let me know....

It'll be a birthday challenge...by your next birthday what fitness goals do you want to do or achieve...for me, i'll pick 30 things until my 30th birthday :)

Alright, my update.

Work up to 25 full pushups (I've been doing my p90x and working out, I can tell my chest muscles have gotten stronger, I might just try and do 25 pushups this week)
Track food daily (yep)
Try a new recipe weekly (yep)
Blog/tweet update daily (yep)
Share my goals with friends (yep)
Meditate/journal at least weekly (ish)
Take before/current/after pictures (need to take after)
Get 7 hours of sleep (uh oh, do naps count?)
Incorporate more weight-training into my schedule (love it)
Learn one old Turbo Kick round (this is hard!)
Eat at home more often than out (yep!)
Walk Dolly each day (ish)
Celebrate successes not weight based (yep!)
Run local stairs with friends weekly (yep! when it hasn't been raining)
Increase outdoor running mileage to 5 miles / run ** I can currently comfortably run 3 miles outside, would like to just get back to running around 5 (I might just try this tomorrow morning)
Finish reading In Defense of Food and Women Food and God (finished Women Food and God, definitely recommend)
Try P90x weekly (love it)
Call/email/text my family daily (stole that from Monica's) (almost daily!)
Stop hitting snooze (hopefully getting 7 hours of sleep will help, this is also stolen from Monica) (er)
Go to the Farmer's Market on Saturdays (have gone once, need to go again)
Stay committed to health even when on vacation/out of town (haven't gone out of town since Memorial Day)
Park 'n' walk when I go to stores (stole from Crocker, this will be hard when it's hot!) (i've done this more often than I thought...even when I go to the gym)
Turn my computer/cell phone off an hour before bed (um)
Set health intentions for the summer and year (setting the challenge is my first step)
Say when i'm full and stop eating (that's so hard!) (getting there)
Don't compare myself to others, enjoy my journey for myself (found so much freedom for that)
Make weekly menu and meals on Sundays (YEAH!)
Finish unpacking our house (need to do the last stuff!)
Clean/garden weekly (love it)
Encourage and read group members' blogs/tweets/updates each day (hopefully 'm doing that!)
Check in with group members to see how they are doing and to update how I'm doing (hopefully i'm doing that)

A new week...

I welcome you new week. Let us be friends.

love, me

being black and healthy

One of my favorite bloggers mentioned this blog. The blog is about obesity in the black women community...and the author summarizes the blog as

Stop trying to justify your fatness. You are doing yourself, your mothers and your daughters a disservice by teaching them to accept their unhealthy frames.

Read the response by a fellow blogger. And tell me what you think.

I'm black and I am a woman. Part of my journey into health has been in discovering what it means to be a healthy black woman. A few years ago I was tipping the scales close to 230/240. I'm not too tall either. I didn't get any height from my 6 foot 4 inch dad. I got a little bit of my height from that and my mom's beautiful 5 foot 2 inch frame. Do the math and you get me, I'm what, MAYBE 5 foot 5...MAYBE. Okay, maybe 5 foot 4. Shoot. I'm short, but i'm okay.

I haven't been shy about my weight journey. I have shared that it's beyond the number on the scale and I feel like the blog author really neglects the issues that surround what it means that there is a high percentage of black women who struggle with their weight.

Another quote:

My goal here is to get you to accept that most of you don’t really have a handle on your health and that you were NOT born to look like a hippo. You have a problem with food and you need to practice healthier eating habits and take better care of your health.

At what point do we find it appropriate to call out our sisters, brothers, our family on such an intimate issue without an ounce of grace or true, authentic accompaniment. If I went to any nutritionist or health advisor and he or she said that to me, I would give up.

Our health journey isn't just ours. As a black woman, I get to look at my rich history that is scattered all over the world. When I traveled to Sierra Leone, I remember seeing myself in the beautiful skin and curves of the women. I heard my family in the laughter shared in tight modes of transportation. And there was something beautiful about the bodies of the women and how they loved them.

This isn't about the weight. It never has been. It's about how anyone, me, you got to the point you are or were. You can lose all of the weight and be put in the size 2 category, but if you don't love yourself at the size you are...then you haven't figured anything out. You may be skinny, but you won't be happy. And if you aren't happy, then what's the point. No, for real.

We need to look into our history and see what's going on. Black women were objectified throughout the years of slavery...and even now in music videos...

Black women need to recover our bodies, our beauty, our emotions, our stories. And share them. We need more places to share our stories and explore what it means to be a black woman in the United States (or wherever) and what does it mean to be healthy.

And we need less posts that write THIS:

To you unhealthy size 16 women who write all these “We aren’t all a size two posts”. Please sit down and just accept that you are overweight and stop glorifying it. If you are heavier than your man (unless you just like your men bony) then you should be ashamed of yourself.

Do not be ashamed of your body. Embrace it and love it for what it is...at this point and at the next point. And like I've said, weight issues aren't about food in and food out...it's about what's going on with our emotions and dang, that blog author missed that big time. That's too bad. It seems like the blog gets plenty of traffic and it would be nice to see some good energy and inspiration go out from there.

Again.

Embrace your body today...and share your story and journey. And ask for help. You can do this.