A tribute to Dolly and the lessons she offered

I'm sitting in my parents' lovely home in Lexington, KY. There's a basketball game on, but I'm the only one who is watching it. Well, i'm the only one who is awake. Kenley, my dad and Jackson are officially asleep. I'm not really sure where Jonathan went, but i'm certain that my mom is sleeping upstairs, too. I will find a nap soon as well.

Ken and I arrived to Lexington this morning. He drove the entire way from Omaha...to Dale, Indiana, where we had to stop because of weather.

We left Omaha after my morning TJ's shift with heavy hearts. The day before (Dec. 23) we had to put our sweet baby dog, Dolly, asleep. She fought for her life and health the entire time we had her. Even those first few weeks of having her we noticed that she had this slight cough; we bought a humidifier. We noticed she peed quite a lot; we put puppy pads out for her. The vets noticed that she had elevated thyroid levels throughout her checkups. Hyperthyroidism is so rare in dogs we were sent to Kansas State University so an internist could look at her. Dolly ended up having a tumor on her thyroid. She also had quite the heart murmur which contributed to her coughing issues. Ken took Dolly to Kansas State once a week for an entire month so she could receive check ups and more cancer medicine. She seemed to be improving, her tumor decreased in size and she got her bark back. She seemed like a new dog and it was so much fun. On her last check up the vet noticed that she'd lost a pretty significant amount of weight. For a dog who was only around 13.3 pounds...losing 3 pounds was too much for her. So we fed her whatever she wanted.

We noticed that in two weeks she seemed to be carrying a lot of weight all of a sudden. Perhaps she was just gaining that much more weight. She began having a harder time jumping on the couch and the bed. Ken bought her dog stairs...but she just wasn't getting around like she used to. We began planning our trip to surprise my family for Christmas. Dolly was a part of our plan. She was going to be in the back seat just hanging out the whole trip, like last time.

The day before we planned on leaving Dolly fell off of the bed. She's fallen off of the bed before and she would slightly sprain or bruise her leg. She'd always be fine the next day. But this time, the noise we heard from the floor was the accumulation of all of the pain Dolly experienced in her life. It was a haunting and alarming whine...Ken tried to pick her up off of the ground and she yelped and nipped like she was in serious pain. We managed to get her on the bed where she was only comfortable leaning directly on someone's arm, she could not put any weight down on her left paw. We grabbed an ice pack...it didn't work...a pack of blueberries...a wet towel. We debated on pain medicine and remembered the other medicines she was taking (heart murmur, stomach pain and antibiotics) and opted not to give her medicine. We spoon fed her water...then dropped water in her mouth. Kenley put on gloves to pick her up and see if she needed to go outside. K ended up sleeping downstairs with her in case she needed to go outside.

We woke up the next morning, with just a few hours of sleep behind us, to start our early day. We packed Dolly in the car and drove to Trader Joe's. I went to work and Kenley went to the vet.

I waited and waited. In my head I thought that perhaps she just sprained her leg and she needed a shot of steroids or something. In my heart I knew that something was pretty serious. Even when things were happening that evening/early morning, I had a feeling that Dolly was ready to go. So I worked through my shift...and tried calling Kenley (he dropped his phone in water during the chaos), but I couldnt' get through. I ended up calling the vet where I heard the news.

Dolly fractured her leg above the elbow joint. She was not a good surgery candidate, she was actually a poor candidate as the surgery was so risky, even for a healthy dog.

She had retained an enormous amount of water. She had fluid not only on her lungs, but she also had fluid around her heart. They noticed that there was a slight pink liquid coming from her nose which is an indication of heart failure. They saw these pockets of fluid that we noticed on her abdomen. She was low on protein which contributed to her poor health and fluid retention.

Basically, the cancer could've spread. Her health was so poor that there was no point in testing to see if the cancer spread. There was no point in taking her to Kansas State to see what the next steps were for her.

We knew what Dolly wanted and needed. My heart was breaking at work. My sweet coworkers and I did a little 'this one is for Dolly' glass tink before our lunch was over...and Kenley picked me up at 2.

Driving to the vet was a whirlwind. It didn't seem real that a week ago Dolly was her sassy self, sleeping next to me during my afternoon naps.

When we saw Dolly, she was doped up on morphine and without pain. We saw her swollen and bruised little leg. She was covered in a blanket. And she looked so ready to be done. Kenley stepped out of the room after his goodbyes...and I sat and watched her last breaths. I'd never seen Dolly look so peaceful.

I'm not sure if dogs/animals go to heaven, but if they do, Dolly is hanging out with some of our favorite people and other animals.

K and I reflected on the year and two months that we had her.

• She was with us for our entire first year of marriage. She witnessed our heated discussions, our lighthearted discussions and our hilarious discussions. 
• She was with us when I had to take K to the ER both times (kidney stone and stitches).
• She was with me when I had a terrible day at work and was at the end of myself...
• She made us get to know our neighborhood on our dozens and dozens of walks.
• I saw the sacrifices that Kenley made for Dolly...taking the time to drive her 6 hours roundtrip...and the money he spent on making her comfortable.
• She reminded us to take it easy.
• She reminded us to laugh. 
• She reminded us to be present. 

I'll post a bit more about Dolly i'm sure :) Let's be honest, I sort of fell in love with her. 

She was the best Dolly girl anyone could've ever asked for and I miss her a lot. I'll enjoy my time with my family and the family dog, Jackson!

Thoughts on Health: Sleep

I relished in my day off today. I slept until 8 am and felt heavenly when I woke up. I woke up at 3:40 the morning before so it felt like I'd slept an extra day today.

Sometimes sleep has been an indicator of the stress in my life. When I increase my sleep, purposely, I may be avoiding something. If i'm sleeping restlessly, I may not be dealing with things in the daytime hours.

But you know when you've gotten the right sleep. You know that sweet sleep spot.

And you know when you've gotten the wrong sleep...the amount, the type, everything about that sleep was just off type of sleep. I've had those nights/mornings when I've woken up and I'm almost in tears because
a) my hand/arm/wrist is asleep
b) I can't move my shoulder without wincing
c) It's too early and too cold
d) My alarm was too loud
e) All of the above

I watched Dr. Oz for the first time yesterday and he had a segment on sleep...oh how I needed to hear what he said. The things that I took away from that segment:
a) Sleeping while holding a pillow will help a lot
b) Your head weighs around 10 pounds, why do you think sleeping with your wrist holding your head up for 8 some hours will be a good idea

I slept with a pillow last night...and I was amazed at how much better I felt when falling asleep. I woke up without the shoulder/arm/wrist pain that I can sometimes have in the mornings.

I love sleep...when I'm sleeping to rest from the day, not to avoid the day :)

Happy sleeping!

The life of a retailer...

I live the life of a retailer. I get my schedule for the next week the Wednesday before the actual week. I can't overly plan anymore. I sometimes work late shifts and don't eat enough. Last night I thought I'd eaten something during the day, but clearly at 7 pm when I had a sinking spell (that's what Mom calls it) I knew that the few chocolate covered almonds and latte did not cover it.

I'm up a little later tonight because for the past two nights I had to awake...it takes me a little time to adjust to finding the natural resting point in my evening. I'm getting there. I heard the distant horn of some trains. The traffic has slowed around our house. And I can hear two snores from our bedroom, the husband and the dog.

As I've started to unwind these days and months I started to become much more aware of the genuine and deep friendships and relationships I have with people around me – starting with my husband.

So long to the days when I would come home emotionally spent and drained to the point of emotional exhaustion.

And hello to the moments when I catch myself clasping my hands and jumping for joy at a simple and much needed addition to closet. (I got home last night or some night and noticed that my closet was lit up...I usually use my cellphone to fumble around my closet in the morning. K installed a simple lantern and now I can see!)

I catch myself feeling like I just got married...maybe this is normal, who knows, but I feel like each day as I feel more and more like myself...I'm falling more and more in love.

The life of a retailer will do that to you...it's caused me to evaluate what's happening around me, in my life and to those around me...and I feel a new sensitivity and intuition and appreciation for what's happening around me.

I feel like my senses are reawakening and I couldn't be more excited. 

Stillness and streams and streams of consciousness

There are a few birds still hanging out in Omaha these days - I can hear them from my new little office (aka the desk in the corner). Dolly has managed to fall asleep on the coach beside me. She has a gentle snore that matches her gentle eyes.

I think my neighbors came home, or maybe they left, but I just heard the familiar creak of the stairs. I have to remember that Kenley isn't home yet, today, Monday, is my day off for now.

This morning was full of a slow and labored wake up and met with a conversation with a friend that left me inspired.

I am still unwinding from a crazy few months. When i'm still I can listen to what my heart is saying and what the Divine is trying to get through my head.

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A dear friend gave me a candle for my times of stillness, meditation, mindfulness and prayer. You can call it whatever you want it. I haven't lit the candle yet. The candle sits next to my computer and when I look at it i'm reminded that I should pause. And secondly, I look to the right to a plaque another dear friend gave me - daydream. I love daydreaming.

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I sometimes get surprised at what I hear myself say...in a conversation I mentioned to someone that if you get to write the rules, it's a lot easier to be able to follow them, and when you want to change them, you can change them. As I thought of that more, I wondered, who gets to write the rules and why?

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