I SONG I FORGOT

for emma, forever ago - bon iver

LOVE bon iver's album! so good.

my mom's great blog!

check it out!

my 2008 soundtrack: my top songs

here are some of my favorite songs from the past year. most of them came out this year, but some of them came out earlier, but they are new to me. enjoy. you can click on the links and hear a 30 second sample via itunes...and buy if you like. if you like what you hear, let me know!

All Alright - Sigur Ros
I've been a big fan of Sigur Ros since Daniel introduced them to me several years ago. What a haunting song. I've been brought to tears by a lot of their music. This song is one of my favorites. It's a little long, but it's beautiful. I particularly enjoy that it is in english...at some points. I think. I love hearing the horn section mixed with the piano...and the voice, the voice. Around minute 4 is when it hits this climax...it's beautiful. Check it out.

Weapons - Son Lux
Aaron Strumpel introduced Son Lux to me last summer. He's this electronic fusion artist. I'm not sure how I would explain it, but I really enjoy the contemplative nature of his music. This song is one of my favorites of his album. "Put down all your weapons. Let me in through your open wounds" That's repeated throughout the song, throughout the complexity and buildup of the instruments and voice. Love it.

Bicentennial - Wyclef Jean
This is a new song to me. Chris, Brittany, Marcia and I got to hear Wyclef Jean this fall or summer. I was in love again. I forgot his talent :). This song is just a fun song. It reminds me of the concert and the dancing that we did.

The Gulag Orkestar - Beirut
Daphne and Caleb introduced me to this band. This band reminds me of the band that played at their wedding this summer. Listen around 1:06...then 1:56. Apparently the band is one person, Zach Condon (with some assistance from othres)...impressive I must say. He is like 22 years old! You could just rest with this music for hours. Beautiful music.

The City - Milosh
Another suggestion by Caleb. The whole album is good. I can listen to this for hours while on the computer. The combination of the electronic feel and his voice makes me happy. There's control in this music, it's not super scattered. There's a story behind each song which I appreciate, it's not just electronic music.

Come Close - Common
Another new one to me. You've got to watch the video on this one. I love Common. You'll notice that I won't put his most recent album on this blog. I don't really like it that much. I love old Common and I think that this year there have been a few artists who have gone a bit too mainstream. I won't mention any names...but I will mention one word - vocoder. :)

Make You Feel My Love - Adele
I love Adele. Her whole album is great. I particularly like this song for some sentimental reasons. I love that it's simple...piano and her voice...that's all you need. And the lyrics. Enough said.

Tie My Hands - Lil Wayne feat. Robin Thicke
I love Robin Thicke...a lot. It doesn't matter what he sings or who he sings with, he's so great. Lil Wayne is pretty good, too. :)

Double Pump - GirlTalk
I love GirlTalk. His first album was my soundtrack for my half marathon!!!!! This is the second album i've downloaded. I love every minute of it. But this song in particular makes me really happy. He might be trendy, but I do appreciate the songs he mixes in and out. It's fantastic.

I Love, You Love - John Legend
Now this is a love song. I could probably drink a bottle of wine and listen to this song on repeat....and cry for hours just because. This is a song worth buying. This song displays the best things about Legend's voice and his range. And the lyrics are pretty great, too.

Like You'll Never See Me Again - Alicia Keys
Another good love song. After you're sitting in your tears and a bit tipsy, put this song on and you'll cry yourself to sleep. The video is pretty great, too. Common has an appearance and you can't complain about that. Love those around you.

Seventeen Years - Ratatat
Another great computer working music album. This is one of my favorite songs. When it comes on, I'm ready to work and work hard.

In My Bed - Amy Winehouse
I love Amy. I pray for her when I think of her. She's an amazing artist...she's just in a lot of trouble. This is one of her older songs. You should check out the video...she looks great in it. Listen to around :56...man, makes you want to chill.

Her Heart - Anthony Hamilton
Hamilton's' newest album is a great buy. I love him so much. His lyrics are always deep, real and true. I appreciate the stories he tells. And in this song, he tells a story about true love. I love it so much. I was listening to this while working out and almost cried...okay, a tear or two was shed. Great album all together.

Enjoy.

merry christmas

we have a close knit family. i appreciate them more and more each day. because we are close, just four of us in the immediate family, we can sometimes tend to get on each other's nerves a bit easier. there are only so many people to absorb your bad or awkward mood. i've really enjoyed my time at home.

here are some of my highlights.
lunch with mom at a tea shoppe in lexington.
hot stone massage with mom (and my mom's suggestion i should get a massage each month, i'll try and pull that one off).
greeting jonathan at the airport.
spirited games of spades with the family.
our christmas tree.
jackson's snoring.
jackson's tradition of sharing my twin bed with me each night.
listening to my parents share their top 5 reasons they love the other.
asking my parents their favorite christmas memories.
working out.
seeing minuteman press' building in lexington (eek).
listening to anthony hamilton's album with family.
reading the story of Jesus' birth as told by St. Luke.
napping. a lot.
dvr. a lot.
helping my mom start a blog (stay tuned!!!)
knowing that kenley was opening some of my gifts under my christmas tree in omaha.
reading. a lot.
eating good food with the family.
reflecting on the years.
talking with my parents' about their lives as children growing up during the civil rights movement.
watching jackson eat his christmas gift in 30 minutes.
my new digital camera!!! i can take pictures again! 10 megapixels! i have a telescope ;)
watching a fireplace.
being away :)
celebrating Christ's birth with my family.

merry christmas.

great playlist

chris made a great playlist for 2008. i admit, i've been waiting to read it since he mentioned it. i think it's a great one. i need to figure out what i would put on mine. stay tuned.

vitamin D

i'm enjoying a lot of sunlight these days. i got into nashville on thursday and since then have seen such great sunlight since then.

i don't particularly like the christmas shopping experience. it's very materialistic and in times like these...it seems a little absurd. i decided that i would try and find some meaningful gifts for my family and wouldn't go overboard. i had to go to a particular shopping area in lexington...it's a large shopping strip with a movie theater, target, old navy, etc. i decided that i would not drive...i would park and just walk it. screw the cold, i want to get my vitamin d.

it was really interesting shopping this way. i had to slow down, a lot...and i noticed the utter mayhem that was playing out around me. i didn't see any christmas cheer. all i saw was chaos and stress. i decided to stop in old navy to see if they had some cold weather gear on sale...and when i walked in i had no idea that i was walking into a nightmare. i walked around...and left.

gross.

i really enjoyed walking outside, it's the most sunshine i've had in quite awhile. that made me happy.

i'm really happy enjoying time at home. i celebrated my high school bff's wedding. it was really fun and beautiful. and now i'm in my parents' home enjoying digital cable DVR and my dog, jackson. ahhh.

2008 in survey

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Trained and ran a half-marathon!

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did part of them...I wanted to run a half marathon and did. There are others I didn't achieve, but they are dynamic goals that aren't tied down to a certain year. I think next year will be great.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES! Congratulations to Clivey! and e'ryone else!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

5. What places did you visit?
New York, Sierra Leone, Tennessee, Lexington, Missouri...I'm going to count London, we walked outside of the airport for some fresh air, that was fun.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Hmm. A personal trainer for a year! I would love that!

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 30 - when Kenley moved to Omaha! May 31 - Daphne and Caleb got married! Hmm. May - visited Steph in Sierra Leone! March 1 - one of my favorite birthday celebrations! And when my car got flooded, I think i blocked that date out! And NOVEMBER 4th!

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
I think the half-marathon was really fun. Working on the redesign for WMF has been really fun. Oh, going to the doctor about my S.A.D.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not sticking to WW as diligently as I know I can. I haven't taken enough time to just be. And I haven't visited everyone I want to :(


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just SAD.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
??

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Lots of people. Seeing people turn out for the election was great. No matter who they voted for, I loved seeing people get passionate and educated about their country.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Bail out anyone?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent and groceries

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Visiting Steph! Celebrating the marriage of Daph and Caleb! And Ken's move to Omaha!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
So many! Lots of body attack songs.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter. getting back in the swing of things!
c) richer or poorer? poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Found some place to volunteer. Watch my food.

20. How did you spend Christmas last year?
With my family

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
More and more each day.

22. How many one-night stands?
really? no.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
30 Rock. Amazing Race. The Office. West Wing

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2008?
celebrated with elizabeth and brittany!!! Urban wine with friends. taco bell with mar and britt. and sleep.

25. What was the best book you read? SO many. simple spirituality was really good. david sedaris' was good, too. um. 19 minutes. so many!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
BON IVER!

27. What did you want and get?
?.

28. What did you want and not get?
Wii? i don't know.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
sex and the city was good. secret life of bees.

30. Did you make some new friends this year? I did! my girls! jess and mimi! and others! yeah!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not having my car flooded.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
keep it simple and real.

33. What kept you sane?
my friends

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
hmmm. i like obama.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election, obviously.

36. Who did you miss?
I hate that so many friends have moved away. Miss them all.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
so many. i've enjoyed meeting father ron!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
live in the present. and don't drive into the flood.

jara talks too much

i would dread parent-teacher conferences. it wasn't because i was a bad student; i dreaded these meetings because i knew what was going to be said.

jara is a good student, but she just talks too much.

thankfully i didn't outgrow my ambition to talk and share. i enjoy conversations and i enjoy participation. i never backed down. and i liked it.

i've noticed that in the past year i've tried to tone it down a little bit. i didn't want to hurt that person's feelings or maybe i didn't want to say it that way or i didn't want someone to take something the wrong way. i got so concerned about what other people thought that i actually lost what i was going to say. by the time i would think to say something, i would just end up apologizing for something. sometimes anything.

i think i was just apologizing for having an opinion. i don't think that i'm necessarily an outspoken person, but i do think that i like to speak up. i mean, maybe that's why i'm in advocacy. i can't be quiet. maybe as an elementary student i knew that if no one else said something, then no one would hear.

i've gotten in some interesting discussions about race on my blog and off of the blog. and i've always felt defeated in those discussions. the upmh in my gut i used to feel...i just haven't felt it in awhile. i've read some of my other favorite blogs: the field negro and a couple of other ones. something in the unapologetic writing resonates with where i am and where i struggle.

i invite open dialogues that are unapologetic. we get so tongue tied about everything we say, we don't say anything at all. that's not a discussion. i'm making my own amendment...the amendment to say what you think and ask questions and be open to dialogue.

anyway. that's just what i'm thinking. i'm sitting in the airport waiting for a hopefully on time flight :) to nashville. i'll be writing more soon.

translation

when i was in spanish class i would always have my dictionary with me. i learned a lot of vocabulary because i would look up every word i didn't know.

i need to practice my spanish, but i'm learning that i'm still trying to translate a lot.

when i try to explain certain things about my work to people i'm sometimes translating to translate to translate to translate something in particular.

and sometimes i'm translating to myself. i'm still trying to connect my cultural, gender and racial background with what i'm doing and who i am. i'm okay saying that there are marked differences in our backgrounds and experiences that influence how we hear messages and how we respond to those around us.

i think growing up and attending a primarily white church and then college didn't really help me try and figure out things as an african american. and there's not much that could help me figure out who i am as a woman.

i feel like i've found my way as a woman...more than before. i'm still on a journey, but i think that there are people who are leading the way well. i think that i'm still finding my way as an african american...especially one who serves in mission. i have some reading i still need to do, but i would love to meet with someone who has wrestled with being a minority in missions.

it's hard to articulate how difficult it can be, but it's something that accompanies me most days. maybe it's my heart for reconciliation and the lament that we're still not there anywhere not just missions.

so i guess we're in the art of translating and sharing stories. i wish there was a dictionary that could translate across all of these lines, maybe there is. who knows how we will do it, but if someone can figure it out, send me your answer.

just stopping by

i feel like we've lost the art of just stopping by. it was so easy to stop by someone's dorm room in college. if that person was gone, you could always stop by and visit someone else.

when marcia and brittany lived in dundee i would randomly stop by their place...and vice versa. it's harder as people are more planned out and less likely to be at home...but maybe that's just my perception.

i think in 2009 i will try a little bit harder to stop by your place. don't be scared. i have frequented the nehers home on random occassions...amazing race, chalk drawings and breakfast bagels.

so in 09. i will just stop by and say hi.

sipping tea

candy cane lane tea.

i'm sipping some tea. hopefully nursing myself back to health.

i woke up this morning with a body that apparently didn't want to fight this sickness anymore.

last week my throat was all scratchy...then it progressively got worse. and then. i woke up this morning with a swollen neck and a temperature of 100.4.

ouch.

should i have gotten the flu shot?

christmas traditions

i love the redeeming and hopeful aspect of holidays.

even if you are in a heated argument, there's usually space to leave those things at the door, embrace your friend and gather around a common celebration.

it's not like instant forgiveness. but it's a hopeful space that is surrounded by love.

we become a bit childlike around holidays and i love that.

today in the office we had our holiday party. we're all really tired. and you know what happens when you're tired...sometimes your patience, grace, love threshold is at its breaking limit.

and. you can't hide in community.

that's okay. i like that. you have to face it...all of it.

our holiday party made me happy. really happy. we had a crockpot vegetarian meal...which meant a lot to me. everyone knows that i'm a vegetarian and usually there's an alternative meal for me. but today it included me. i was so happy. then we had mulled wine. it's like warm sangria. holy moly. it is wonderful.

then we put the christmas tree up. watched some movies. laughed. did some gift exchanges. took lots of pictures.

and i'm just so happy.

my own business

i wonder if i should start my own business.
i realize that my coworkers think i'm finicky.
here's the list of things that i could do on my own.

• i sometimes fart. if i worked by myself i could fart without the fear of someone hearing or smelling the business.
• i like to nap. if i went to prayer, i could nap, but if i kept 'praying' for hours at a time in someone's office, i would be caught.
• i have a hard time focusing when there's a lot of background noise. if i worked on my own, i could turn up n'sync and feel okay about it.
• i sweat a lot. if i worked on my own, i could sit in a tank tap and shorts and be okay.

i need to iron out the details of what my own business would be. maybe i'll decorate gingerbread people during the holidays. or i could staple papers for people who don't have enough time. or maybe i'll take photobooth photos for people. the possibilities are endless.

happy day

i had a happy day today.
it's been a long couple of weeks. i went to the doctor on monday and have some clarity to why i haven't felt like myself.
daphne and i had a good conversation over coffee this morning. actually we had americanos.
i had a lot of almost crying moments.
i'm realizing that two of my closest and dearest friends will be gone next year.
so much will change next year.
it's a little intimidating. actually a lot intimidating.
but i think it will be okay.

i'm looking forward to this weekend. chris' birthday party will be fun. and then i have a holiday party to attend. i'm looking forward to celebrating with friends. makes me happy.

christmas traditions

i haven't done many christmas traditions since leaving home. when i lived with my family we would always decorate the tree after our thanksgiving meal. we would go through the ornaments and share the stories about them. it's always fun to put up the ornaments from our first christmases. i enjoy the parties, the excuses to wear funny sweaters, the evenings when we would do our advent reflection.

my family and i would always sing happy birthday to Jesus Christmas day and read the Christmas story in one of the gospels.

i appreciate the warmth that my family would provide during those times. it was bizarre the first christmas out of college. i didn't have the normal experience. mom sent me home with a little christmas tree one year and another year i got to have the christmas duck (it sang a song). i tried to incorporate little traditions into my home, but it was always a little hard on my own.

this year one of my friends is lending me her extra christmas tree. i was so excited. i plugged it in and it makes my apartment feel warm :). i'm going to spend the evening wrapping some gifts. i might try and see if kenley will make an ornament with me.

signs of love

Signs of love

This weekend Kenley and I sat on his couch and talked with his landlord, Glenn, for almost two hours. During that conversation Glenn shared that he had a bad week. We asked if it was going to improve; he said it was going to only get worse.

Then he said that his wife passed away last week. Her funeral was yesterday, Friday.

We listened to him briefly share about her last week. She had some complications to a heart surgery and passed away at 7 am last Saturday. He said he was numb; we offered him wine and pistachios. It wasn’t much, but we sat with him and let him ask questions about our relationship. It seemed a little surreal reflecting on our relationship while sitting with someone who had just lost his spouse of fifty five years.

I couldn’t help but look at the obituary on the internet. There were comments from Texas, California, Tennessee and Nebraska. I gathered from the comments that his wife was a gardener and a devote lover and protector of nature. She was generous with her love and listening ear.

My weekend continued to be interesting. I thought about Glenn’s stories and observed signs of love played out in different ways.

This morning I was watching an older couple have a bit of a discussion. I think they were probably in their 70’s.

Lady: Bill, you can use your blanket to wrap around your ankles to stay warm.

Bill: I told you to stop telling me about that.

Lady: You could’ve said it nicely.

Later…
Lady: It is drafty in here.

Bill: Loud audible sigh.

It cracked me up for some reason. Years of love later, they’re still figuring it out.

I’ve seen lots of signs of love this month.

- generous support of my friends, family and coworkers
- fun, spontaneous baby holding of clive
- fun, spontaneous watching of amazing race with Julie
- bonanza viewing with kenley
- grape throwing/catching contest with kenley
- random errands and meals with friends
- lots of laughter

Winter is not a friendly month…it doesn’t show me much love. But, I think that my friends and family do. They keep me warm and keep me covered with love.

birds of a feather flock together

i was reminded of this saying when reading an issue of GQ. i was struck by a particularly interesting article, "'will you be my black friend?' one (very) white man's quest to expand his horizons."

the author, plamen petkov, had an interesting idea. he decided to post an ad on craigslist. he was looking for a black friend. as he waits for a response, he does some research.

'human connection should be spread evenly over all of us like a lywer of peanut butter on toast. only what it really looks like is a ball of yarn: everyone within a social network, real or virtual, is more or less connected to one another. your friends tend to be friends with your friends, or they will soon. and most networks are not connected to each other. your ball of yarn is your ball of yarn, it is discrete, and once you are inside it, it's hard to get out. '

the article continues. he decides to use a flyer. he had received a response from both forms of advertising. i think the encounters ended up bing more like awkward first dates/blind dates.

he also brings up homophily. that means that people are likely to be friends with those who are similar to them...birds of a feather flock together.

the article is interesting. there are a lot of things to think about for me. he said that this project is a product of 'living in a tiny, overdeveloped culture where the signifiers are too specific and the sameness of our lives has made the tolerances almost too slight to measure. even among white folks, my shit is pretty specific. that monoculture, where i don't even have to finish my sentences because everyone already knows what i'm going to say, where we have slightly different conversations about the same movies and music and schools and neighborhoods and restaurants and types of people - it wasn't until i was out of it fo ra few mintues that i realized the oxygen deprivation that kind of scrutiny can bring on. i am sick of worrrying about my pepper mill. '

the author has some really good reflections in light of the president-elect. he challenges us to step out of our bubble. he reminds us that we are still struggling with race or this wouldn't be a conversation. he encourages us to meet different people.

i'm hopeful that we can begin to embrace change in our own lives and see a new reflection of God's creation in those we are around. it's the invitation to conversion.

a passport is now needed

...
to enter the advocacy annex. the advocacy annex is where daphne, mandy, marcia and i work. we laugh. we cry. we giggle. we talk.

this morning we were out of the office. while we were gone, some one took some items.

the items in question are an entire box of chocolate and a bag of nuts. these items were a part of a gift basket sent to us from our printer.

i got a little mad about it.

it reminded me of the days of college when someone would leave their pizza out and people would eat it...that person would be upset...they would explain that the certain place they left the pizza was not a common place.

so. now.i wrote an IM to marcia about what will happen next.

jara: the annex is CLOSED to outside visitors. you must show a passport now
a passport to fun.
marcia: it will be harder to enter the annex than the country of Brazil

needy

i needed attention as a child.
what things did you do as a child to get attention?

elementary:

• i fell down on purpose on a video tape (watched over thanksgiving, pretty funny, can't wait to get my hands on it)
• i wore a 'retainer' aka a paperclip. i wanted braces.
• i wanted a cast. i wanted to break my hand. i ran into walls. hard.
• i pretended i was famous at rest areas. it didn't work.
• my friend left her glasses at my house...i decided i needed glasses. so. i wore them. and refused to return t hem to her. then i did.
  

college:
i fell down to get a laugh.

some things never change.

favorite music

i'm listening to:
bon iver
nina simone
mindy smith (christmas album)
sufjan
girl talk

up too late

i'm heading to bed soon. my eyes are tired. my heart and soul are tired.

i miss being on vacation. carefree weekends are good for me.

i saw a creighton basketball game this evening with mimi. creighton won. by a lot. and i can't wait to go to more games. i love competitive sports, both participating and watching. basketball is great because you don't have to sit out in the cold :)

we made the mistake of both wearing red...we didn't know red would be the color of the opposing team. whoops.

we'll wear blue next time around.