there's a running route that i've been taking this week. when you leave my apartment, you take a left and start running downhill...then it's uphill...three long, serious uphill runs. my legs burn, my lungs burn with them...and i just look at the ground, right in front of me.
my brother brought me a book on running for women several years ago. i refer to it when i need help on training or need to research about certain injuries. they suggest looking right ahead of you when running uphill. there's something psychological when you look ahead and see a huge long hill ahead of you. your body actually produces some warning signs to try and convince you to stop. our bodies are pretty amazing. you know that feeling...that whole lactic acid feeling...that's actually fuel for your muscles but it doesn't really feel that good.
so. the uphill. burning legs...burning lungs. what's happening. my body is actually going through data and determining that this activity or level of exertion is new and it begins processing the likelihood that i'll be able to make it. THEN. you see the end of the hill, your body actually releases some feel good chemicals and you get your second wind. your body knows you're about to stop.
anyway. that's why i love running. it's complicated, complex and beautiful.
i remember two years ago when i was trying to run on the treadmill at the Y. i could barely last ten minutes without sweating or breathing incredibly heavily. now i can run for at least 50 minutes...it's crazy. i look behind me and see all of these milestones that didn't really seem significant until now. i'm so close to getting to my goal weight these days that all i can do is look one step ahead of me. 80 pounds later i have just around 10 pounds left...and it's super intimidating to look at...my palms begin to sweat, my heart begins to beat a little too quickly...and for a second, i want to turn around and give up...or wait a little.
but as i look around i see where i've come from and there's no way i want to go back to that person. i hid in pictures. i wore guachos a little too much. i had one pair of jeans that still fit me. i made my car lean a little too far when i got in it. i hated walking up stairs. i avoided the gym.
it's been quite a journey and i've had some of the most supportive people around me in my life. thank you for joining me in this.
:)
i really do love the junk in my trunk :)
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
what's more awkward: kitchen edition
what's more awkward -
warming your leftover breadsticks in a questionable covering in a small toaster oven...and then catching them on fire
or
while signing a credit card receipt for some catering...the warming bag begins smothering from the heat of a little tea light...and begins to catch fire, just a little.
you tell me.
warming your leftover breadsticks in a questionable covering in a small toaster oven...and then catching them on fire
or
while signing a credit card receipt for some catering...the warming bag begins smothering from the heat of a little tea light...and begins to catch fire, just a little.
you tell me.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
leaving a party unnoticed
a couple of years ago i came across an article describing different techniques that could be used to leave a party early.
i actually used one of the techniques this weekend, two different times. this weekend was wmf's board meeting. it's an opportunity when we welcome board members and new and old staff members into our office to celebrate the new beginnings of staff members and look at the intersections of our lives.
there are two events - friday evening we go to a local bar and saturday evening we go to the heuertzi crib. friday night we went to urban wine company...i went and left. and then last night i stayed a pretty decent amount at the heuertzi and then left.
i wasn't really sure what happened. it worked though. i was able to get to my car and go home without any distractions.
and now i'm sitting in my apartment, waiting to do my laundry, way too late.
i actually used one of the techniques this weekend, two different times. this weekend was wmf's board meeting. it's an opportunity when we welcome board members and new and old staff members into our office to celebrate the new beginnings of staff members and look at the intersections of our lives.
there are two events - friday evening we go to a local bar and saturday evening we go to the heuertzi crib. friday night we went to urban wine company...i went and left. and then last night i stayed a pretty decent amount at the heuertzi and then left.
i wasn't really sure what happened. it worked though. i was able to get to my car and go home without any distractions.
and now i'm sitting in my apartment, waiting to do my laundry, way too late.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
i held a baby
okay.
if you know me you know i have some issues with children. i get nervous holding them. they get all hot. they start crying for no reason. you can't reason with them. they kick my airplane seat.
the list goes on and on.
so. i've always held children at a distance, literally. i've never been one of those people who are magnetically drawn to just the echo of a child's soft cough from across the city...they instinctively know what to do.
that's where they get me. kids know i don't get them. they see right through me.
and i start sweating.
to give you a little history about this...one of my good friends in omaha had a sweet baby girl a couple of years ago. i went to the hospital with daphne. daph held the baby. i did not. i knew as soon as i would hold the baby i might, just might, drop it. i might get it sick. i might hold it the wrong way. i mean, i referred to a baby as IT a million times.
you get my drift.
so today ron brought in kira. and it happened. i was drawn to this little child. i couldn't help but say (over and over) that she was spring to me. it was weird. everything about her made me happy. even when she threw up on mandy - maybe i was happy she didn't throw up on me. :) but i actually offered to hold her. i walked her around. i looked into her blue eyes and watched how she would stare at huge photos of our friends from around the world. she would stare at me. she would smile when she recognized someone...she'd coo. she'd do all of those baby things.
it was refreshing to have a little human in the office. she was spring. just growing and learning and stretching for all to see.
if you know me you know i have some issues with children. i get nervous holding them. they get all hot. they start crying for no reason. you can't reason with them. they kick my airplane seat.
the list goes on and on.
so. i've always held children at a distance, literally. i've never been one of those people who are magnetically drawn to just the echo of a child's soft cough from across the city...they instinctively know what to do.
that's where they get me. kids know i don't get them. they see right through me.
and i start sweating.
to give you a little history about this...one of my good friends in omaha had a sweet baby girl a couple of years ago. i went to the hospital with daphne. daph held the baby. i did not. i knew as soon as i would hold the baby i might, just might, drop it. i might get it sick. i might hold it the wrong way. i mean, i referred to a baby as IT a million times.
you get my drift.
so today ron brought in kira. and it happened. i was drawn to this little child. i couldn't help but say (over and over) that she was spring to me. it was weird. everything about her made me happy. even when she threw up on mandy - maybe i was happy she didn't throw up on me. :) but i actually offered to hold her. i walked her around. i looked into her blue eyes and watched how she would stare at huge photos of our friends from around the world. she would stare at me. she would smile when she recognized someone...she'd coo. she'd do all of those baby things.
it was refreshing to have a little human in the office. she was spring. just growing and learning and stretching for all to see.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
roommates
the last official roommate i had was in college. her name was revkah. we stayed up late and watch lots of silly television. we managed to somehow get ourselves graduated from asbury college. in the midst of pranks some that may or may not have anything to do with a door alarm, we became real good friends.
i remember how important we must've thought roommates were when we were in college. we always wanted the very perfect one...we wanted a certain room...and we usually tried to make sure we liked who we were living with in really close quarters.
since then i've had different people stay with me for various amounts of time. but for the most part i've lived on my own.
when i moved to omaha i was desperately lonely. i remember wishing i did live with someone for the sake of having some type of companionship when i was lonely.
and i stumbled. i'm nearing my third year in omaha and i am pretty thankful that i had those awkward years.
i think i could have easily become bitter, maybe i did at some point, that moving to omaha was a sink or swim situation. i didn't have any type of safety net when i arrived. i didn't know anyone...and i didn't want to invade on other people's lives either.
so. it was weird. arriving into a community but not yet part of that community.
three years later. still no roommate but a faithful neighbor and friend (who will be moving soon! congrats daph - your roommate will be real fun!).
anyway. these are my scattered thoughts as i observe how my friends fare in their living situations, how i wonder what i would do in different situations. who knows. but i do admire those who stick it out. they have enormous amounts of grace and patience.
i remember how important we must've thought roommates were when we were in college. we always wanted the very perfect one...we wanted a certain room...and we usually tried to make sure we liked who we were living with in really close quarters.
since then i've had different people stay with me for various amounts of time. but for the most part i've lived on my own.
when i moved to omaha i was desperately lonely. i remember wishing i did live with someone for the sake of having some type of companionship when i was lonely.
and i stumbled. i'm nearing my third year in omaha and i am pretty thankful that i had those awkward years.
i think i could have easily become bitter, maybe i did at some point, that moving to omaha was a sink or swim situation. i didn't have any type of safety net when i arrived. i didn't know anyone...and i didn't want to invade on other people's lives either.
so. it was weird. arriving into a community but not yet part of that community.
three years later. still no roommate but a faithful neighbor and friend (who will be moving soon! congrats daph - your roommate will be real fun!).
anyway. these are my scattered thoughts as i observe how my friends fare in their living situations, how i wonder what i would do in different situations. who knows. but i do admire those who stick it out. they have enormous amounts of grace and patience.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
saturday evening
i'm sitting in my apartment building's laundry room. i thought i would sneak downstairs and read and write while i was doing laundry. it's kind of relaxing down here listening to the whirl of the washing machines.
and it's a whole lot warmer than my apartment.
i love my apartment. it's the first place i've lived more than a year. i will have lived in the glen arlo three years at the end of may. and during those three years i've grown to understand the quirks of my apartment.
my apartment is surprisingly and refreshingly affordable in the dundee area. it's under $500 and it's a super cute place. all wood floors, french doors, radiator heat, the typical old house characteristics. our heat is paid and our rent hasn't gone up since i've moved here.
there are these quirks about my apartment that sort of make me a little crazy.
the heat, yes, it's paid for, but that means i have no control over it. radiator heat...that's a whole other story. it's either way hot or way cold. since it's april, i don't think that the super anticipated a weekend of snow and cold, gusty wind...and that's what we've had in the past week or so. and it's not pretty. it was so cold in my apartment, i holed up under two big blankets on my couch and took a nap, a long nap.
so that's why i'm up. doing laundry at 1030.
:)
and surfing the world wide web.
and it's a whole lot warmer than my apartment.
i love my apartment. it's the first place i've lived more than a year. i will have lived in the glen arlo three years at the end of may. and during those three years i've grown to understand the quirks of my apartment.
my apartment is surprisingly and refreshingly affordable in the dundee area. it's under $500 and it's a super cute place. all wood floors, french doors, radiator heat, the typical old house characteristics. our heat is paid and our rent hasn't gone up since i've moved here.
there are these quirks about my apartment that sort of make me a little crazy.
the heat, yes, it's paid for, but that means i have no control over it. radiator heat...that's a whole other story. it's either way hot or way cold. since it's april, i don't think that the super anticipated a weekend of snow and cold, gusty wind...and that's what we've had in the past week or so. and it's not pretty. it was so cold in my apartment, i holed up under two big blankets on my couch and took a nap, a long nap.
so that's why i'm up. doing laundry at 1030.
:)
and surfing the world wide web.
Friday, April 11, 2008
what's more awkward: coffee edition
drinking coffee and having a jittery heart
or
burping after drinking coffee and thinking...hey that tastes like how a match smells
or
burping after drinking coffee and thinking...hey that tastes like how a match smells
what's more awkward: bathroom edition
what's more awkward.
walking out of the office to go to the bathroom only to be startled by an office mate (note: you knew someone must have been in the bathroom b/c one of the bathroom key sets were missing)
or almost peeing on yourself
or exclaiming...well whispering...that made me almost peed on myself!
walking out of the office to go to the bathroom only to be startled by an office mate (note: you knew someone must have been in the bathroom b/c one of the bathroom key sets were missing)
or almost peeing on yourself
or exclaiming...well whispering...that made me almost peed on myself!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
a year ago...i wrote this
for a contest with weight watchers. it was good to get my journey on paper. enjoy.
Jara Sturdivant
“The True Me”
It wasn’t when I couldn’t cross my legs anymore…it wasn’t when I got winded when walking up the stairs…it wasn’t when I couldn’t fasten my seatbelt on the plane...it wasn’t when Old Navy sent me personalized emails telling me about plus-sized clothing sales….and it definitely wasn’t when my underwear didn’t fit (it shrunk, right?)…..it was when I joined Weight Watchers and my leader didn’t turn me away or ask me why I was joining Weight Watchers.
I thought for sure my leader what I saw – a healthy 25 year old woman with no weight problem. But, no, she saw what I had been denying for the past four years.
During the past four years I experienced the new freedoms that are associated with moving out on your own for the first time – no curfews or restraints. I experienced eating entire pans of brownies, cakes, cookies…and began my weekly date…Friday nights at Walgreens. Instead of making plans with friends, I would make plans with several Reese’s Big Cups, several packages of Hershey Kisses, and if things went really well, I’d end the night with my best friend, Betty…Betty Crocker Warm Delights.
My relationship with food made me a different person. I hid in pictures; I preferred to be alone. I not only lost myself, I didn’t want anyone to find me. I cringed at the thought that my friends from high school, college or graduate school would see me and not recognize me. I wasn’t the fit, trim person who they knew.
I was a new person with my new friend, Betty C.
When my parents offered to pay for Weight Watchers I was scared. I was scared that Weight Watchers would give me an accurate picture of myself. And when Weight Watchers did give me an accurate picture of myself, it was frightening. I was 25 years old and 100 pounds overweight.
But Weight Watchers didn’t leave me there. My leader, Chris, has offered me hope and a realistic relationship with food.
No longer are my weeks full of eating, but my weeks are full of portion control, healthy decisions with food and visits to the gym.
When people compliment me on my weight loss or when they don’t recognize me…I’m a little surprised because this is who I am – this is who was hidden in me for years. It’s just now, I’m able to introduce myself to the real me.
Jara Sturdivant
“The True Me”
It wasn’t when I couldn’t cross my legs anymore…it wasn’t when I got winded when walking up the stairs…it wasn’t when I couldn’t fasten my seatbelt on the plane...it wasn’t when Old Navy sent me personalized emails telling me about plus-sized clothing sales….and it definitely wasn’t when my underwear didn’t fit (it shrunk, right?)…..it was when I joined Weight Watchers and my leader didn’t turn me away or ask me why I was joining Weight Watchers.
I thought for sure my leader what I saw – a healthy 25 year old woman with no weight problem. But, no, she saw what I had been denying for the past four years.
During the past four years I experienced the new freedoms that are associated with moving out on your own for the first time – no curfews or restraints. I experienced eating entire pans of brownies, cakes, cookies…and began my weekly date…Friday nights at Walgreens. Instead of making plans with friends, I would make plans with several Reese’s Big Cups, several packages of Hershey Kisses, and if things went really well, I’d end the night with my best friend, Betty…Betty Crocker Warm Delights.
My relationship with food made me a different person. I hid in pictures; I preferred to be alone. I not only lost myself, I didn’t want anyone to find me. I cringed at the thought that my friends from high school, college or graduate school would see me and not recognize me. I wasn’t the fit, trim person who they knew.
I was a new person with my new friend, Betty C.
When my parents offered to pay for Weight Watchers I was scared. I was scared that Weight Watchers would give me an accurate picture of myself. And when Weight Watchers did give me an accurate picture of myself, it was frightening. I was 25 years old and 100 pounds overweight.
But Weight Watchers didn’t leave me there. My leader, Chris, has offered me hope and a realistic relationship with food.
No longer are my weeks full of eating, but my weeks are full of portion control, healthy decisions with food and visits to the gym.
When people compliment me on my weight loss or when they don’t recognize me…I’m a little surprised because this is who I am – this is who was hidden in me for years. It’s just now, I’m able to introduce myself to the real me.
the junk in my trunk
one donut won't hurt i would tell myself.
i debated this morning about a donut. starbucks had these cute little sample donuts. and i thought.
it won't hurt.
but this morning i said no. i walked away with my coffee in hand and thoughts of my breakfast in my head.
during that i was reminded of when i didn't connect what i ate to the junk in my trunk. for some reason i thought that i could eat whatever i wanted to and it wouldn't affect my body.
i ignored glaring problems
- my feet would hurt when i would wake up
- i would lose my breath when i walked up the stairs, seriously. that's hot.
- i couldn't cross my legs anymore
- i couldn't bend over to paint my toenails
- i kept buying bigger clothes
- i was always so tired after work
some of those are superficial things...but some of those pointed to bigger issues. i'm barely pushing 5 feet 5 inches...and i was carrying a lot of weight...228 pounds....93 extra pounds on my small frame...no wonder i couldn't breathe...my lungs were pushing up against a big wad of weight...and no wonder my feet hurt, they were carrying lots of weight and no wonder...no wonder...no wonder.
so. i said no to the donut this morning. it's the little decisions that i have to make as an investment into my health. ofcourse i could've eaten it, i worked out this morning and it's within my daily points allowance (weight watchers :) )...but i remember...it's those little decisions that have big effects.
i debated this morning about a donut. starbucks had these cute little sample donuts. and i thought.
it won't hurt.
but this morning i said no. i walked away with my coffee in hand and thoughts of my breakfast in my head.
during that i was reminded of when i didn't connect what i ate to the junk in my trunk. for some reason i thought that i could eat whatever i wanted to and it wouldn't affect my body.
i ignored glaring problems
- my feet would hurt when i would wake up
- i would lose my breath when i walked up the stairs, seriously. that's hot.
- i couldn't cross my legs anymore
- i couldn't bend over to paint my toenails
- i kept buying bigger clothes
- i was always so tired after work
some of those are superficial things...but some of those pointed to bigger issues. i'm barely pushing 5 feet 5 inches...and i was carrying a lot of weight...228 pounds....93 extra pounds on my small frame...no wonder i couldn't breathe...my lungs were pushing up against a big wad of weight...and no wonder my feet hurt, they were carrying lots of weight and no wonder...no wonder...no wonder.
so. i said no to the donut this morning. it's the little decisions that i have to make as an investment into my health. ofcourse i could've eaten it, i worked out this morning and it's within my daily points allowance (weight watchers :) )...but i remember...it's those little decisions that have big effects.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
audible sigh
phew.
i finally feel like i can breathe. the past couple of weeks definitely caught up with me this weekend. the weight of last week hit me this afternoon.
after exercising i managed to take a shower and sleep for three hours.
i'm not really sure why i'm writing right now...i'm still exhausted.
here's to cherishing the weekend.
i finally feel like i can breathe. the past couple of weeks definitely caught up with me this weekend. the weight of last week hit me this afternoon.
after exercising i managed to take a shower and sleep for three hours.
i'm not really sure why i'm writing right now...i'm still exhausted.
here's to cherishing the weekend.
Friday, April 4, 2008
negative (repost from facebook)
i wanted to give you a quick update on my trip to sierra leone.
after thinking about it and praying about it, i've decided that i may need to postpone my trip to sierra leone which is sad.
my support account is around -750 now which means after purchasing a plane ticket and any other travel expenses...it would be negative -3000 or so...and then after a salary being pulled...you get the idea. uber negative.
i'm a little heartbroken. i wanted to be able to support our staff there and meet their friends and share their stories.
it's been a long and hard week. i'm going to take the weekend to pray and discern this decision...and see if it's really based on the right motives.
it's been a long and hard three years of raising support...which has always felt like somewhat of a fight for me. it's never really gotten easier for me. so it's not just about not being able to go on a field visit. it ends up being more about trying to raise my support each month.
so yeah. my mom said lots of encouraging things to me yesterday...
granted she did start the conversation with 'you're complaining.'
but i'll end with things that i'm clinging to.
In was giving thanks in the midst of deep pain. Whatever struggle, thank God for the struggle. Continue to ask him for provision.
Simply thank God. Rest and trust God. You have said you are tired and exhausted, dont keep repeating that... remember all the answers to pray that you have think about the faithfulness of God, remember those things. Ask God to show himself mighty.
For a long time, I carried around alot of worry. Once I truly gave up the worry. It was a like weight off my back. the next day.... I really felt free. When, I started worrying, I remember, I could trust God. It has been a life altering experience... to truly rest in God. When God answers the prayer. Whether you go in May or a little later. Remember, shout, dance, and praise God.
When you want to worry about this, remember, you have permission to rest in God. I love you.
after thinking about it and praying about it, i've decided that i may need to postpone my trip to sierra leone which is sad.
my support account is around -750 now which means after purchasing a plane ticket and any other travel expenses...it would be negative -3000 or so...and then after a salary being pulled...you get the idea. uber negative.
i'm a little heartbroken. i wanted to be able to support our staff there and meet their friends and share their stories.
it's been a long and hard week. i'm going to take the weekend to pray and discern this decision...and see if it's really based on the right motives.
it's been a long and hard three years of raising support...which has always felt like somewhat of a fight for me. it's never really gotten easier for me. so it's not just about not being able to go on a field visit. it ends up being more about trying to raise my support each month.
so yeah. my mom said lots of encouraging things to me yesterday...
granted she did start the conversation with 'you're complaining.'
but i'll end with things that i'm clinging to.
In was giving thanks in the midst of deep pain. Whatever struggle, thank God for the struggle. Continue to ask him for provision.
Simply thank God. Rest and trust God. You have said you are tired and exhausted, dont keep repeating that... remember all the answers to pray that you have think about the faithfulness of God, remember those things. Ask God to show himself mighty.
For a long time, I carried around alot of worry. Once I truly gave up the worry. It was a like weight off my back. the next day.... I really felt free. When, I started worrying, I remember, I could trust God. It has been a life altering experience... to truly rest in God. When God answers the prayer. Whether you go in May or a little later. Remember, shout, dance, and praise God.
When you want to worry about this, remember, you have permission to rest in God. I love you.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
what's more awkward: carpool edition
--locking your rider out of your car
or
--while the rider is trying to get in the car, you decide that the bird poop on your windshield is really gross and you turn your windshield wipers + fluid on...and spray your rider who is still trying to get in the car
or
--while the rider is trying to get in the car, you decide that the bird poop on your windshield is really gross and you turn your windshield wipers + fluid on...and spray your rider who is still trying to get in the car
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