meet the browns

last night i came home after an interesting day. i shredded paper for a few hours (that's for you marcia) and i watched tyler perry's meet the browns. i'm not a huge fan of house of payne, but i was surprisingly fond of this show. the characters seem a bit more natural. since this is the only show i've watched i don't know the characters or their backgrounds.

so i watched and it was an episode of one of the characters, who is carrying more weight than these two characters, is trying to lose weight. we'll call her sherry. she's exercising with her thinner friends and enjoying herself. then, she tries on a dress she wants to wear and it doesn't fit. her friend encourages her and leaves. upset and discouraged and alone, sherry finds the nearest comfort, a box of chocolate bars. she eats all of them in a fit...crying and upset. i found it interesting that i had a morning conversation with marcia about the recent bell hooks' chapter i read. african american women struggle to understand what self-care means, especially when it relates to their bodies. these bodies that historically have been incredibly objectified, made fun of, sold, abused, ignored. we look at the media and we see what people consider as beautiful, thin, white women with long hair...and then we look in the mirror and we dont' see that. we relax our hair. we try and lose weight. but we're still combating something deeper than our skin.

so this character walks in on her two girlfriends who are comparing their bodies to magazines. these ladies are thin and they aren't satisfied with how they look....and sherry goes crazy. she calls them out on all that they are doing.

she walks and talks to herself. at some point in a conversation with herself or maybe her friends, she comes up with this phrase....it's not about perfection, it's about progress.

for me, i'm not trying to attain to be emaciated. i am working towards being healthy while taking in consideration my history. my history full of curves and smooth skin, beautiful by the light of the sun, hair that's sometimes crazy in the moonlight, but it is my history. i want to redeem the beauty of the black woman that's not dictated by essence or cosmo. i want to find the beauty of the black woman in a garden full of fresh vegetables, in an afternoon full of walks and runs and evenings over a glass of tea.

it is about progress. i manage to continue working out about six days a week. it's my stress reliever. my food intake is improving. and i'm finding the balance i need. and in these next two months before the wedding i hope that i find a quiet and safe place in myself...where i'm not talking negatively to myself but i'm reminding myself that it's about progress.

just alright.

i'm having one of those days. well, maybe i would say i'm having one of those weeks. out of the past 3 days i've felt just alright for 2 of them. so, i'm hoping that thursday and friday are good days and my week will end on an upswing.

i'm on the tailend of bell hooks' 'sisters of the yam.' i love her.

trying to understand what this means to me: black women need to write more about eating issues.

decisions and research

i knew that i needed to make some decisions regarding what i put in my body...not only in the food sense, but also in the medicine sense. when i went to my year check up, i began taking birth control and increased my vitamin intake.

i did some research on birth control and had some heated conversations with kenley. i wasn't really sure that i wanted to put any hormones in my body. it was quite difficult to really figure out what i knew was best for me. after my research i and my doctor found a pill that we both felt was going to be best for me. so far so good.

during my research i was reading magazines (surprise, surprise) and found an article about muscle mass and birth control users. it was a small blurb, but the article mentions that those on birth control have a slightly harder time toning up. the combination of hormones (and some age) made it harder for this experiment group to tone up. so before i started to take the pill i decided to really commit to working out and adding muscle. it's hard trying to fight against nature (natural or prescribed), but i'm committing to putting into practice the things that i want to do for life.

i've enjoyed the classes i've been helping teach at the Y and have noticed that my endurance has definitely improved. i've always enjoyed working out and doing the obligatory YEAH! THIS IS FUN! scream, but when you're in charge of actually explaining the steps and keeping a class exciting...wow, speaking/screaming and working out...that's a whole other level. and again, thankful.

here's to a week of working with what i have and making the best out of it.

anniversaries

this wednesday was my parents' 31st wedding anniversary!
so exciting!

http://agodfilledlife.blogspot.com/2009/08/anniversary-celebration.html

eggplant

i knew i needed to get through some produce that's been sitting in my fridge. so i remembered an eggplant some friends gave me...i paired that with some recently acquired tomatoes...and an onion. nom nom nom.

it's currently cooking. and i'm waiting. it was refreshing to see the vibrant colors of the eggplant and the tomatoes. :) i can't wait.

that's it.

food you make

you have to slow down when you make your own meals. we're used to fast food and convenient food. so tonight i made a lovely weight watchers meal. i haven't even tasted it yet, but i smell it, i touched it, i made it, i heard it. i tried to interact with all of my senses on this one. there's something special about interacting with your food.

so, i forgot to get tomato sauce for this pizza so i decided to swing it. i had gotten some oregano and basil from our garden and i knew that it would probably be good in tomato sauce. i did a quick search for homemade tomato sauce and found something that seemed easy enough. it wasn't creamy like normal tomato sauce but it was just as delicious. i threw that on the pizza with the other ingredients. i think it will turn out good :)

just 12 more minutes until we get to eat it!

the deals you make

before i start this post i need to share something with you. SOMEONE STOLE from our garden. :(. i'm so sad. when i went inside to ask k if he had picked the bell pepper and our garden salsa peppers, i expected him to say yes...but when he said no, we realized that someone got to our food before us. sharing is hard, isn't it? especially when you aren't asked.


alright. now to the blog.
have you made deals with yourself? examples: diet starts monday! i'll workout tomorrow....i'll do x, y, z tomorrow. as soon as i'm down this many pounds, i'll do this.

i have used those excuses at some point in my life. i remember eating an enormous amount of junk food on a sunday thinking that on monday all of my troubles would disappear and i'd have a renewed sense of commitment to eating well. or i'd leave work and pass the gym promising myself that tomorrow i'd work out. i never did start eating well on monday and i didn't get to the gym b/c something else would seem like fun. most of the time i would come home from work, take a nap and then eat something delicious like cookie dough. i recently thought about what i was thinking during that time. i had gone through a pretty significant break up when i was in grad school and my eating habits began to change. i still worked out but i ate for companionship. that same behavior followed me to omaha. i was living in a city that didn't seem familiar and the only familiar thing was food. so, many pounds later, i would breathe heavily when climbing the stairs, i would notice how my car would lean when i got in it, i noticed how i couldnt' buckle the airplane seatbelt that easily...and my parents offered to pay for WW. and that's where my journey with WW started.

as i started to lose weight i made a new deal. as soon as i got to goal weight i would try to go for being a workout instructor. i wanted to feel comfortable in my skin and lead people in good health.

my deal was really behind fear...it wasn't that i needed to be at goal weight, it was that i needed to be confident. so, i've had the opportunity to face that fear. my workout instructor and friend is out on leave for a foot surgery she had, and now i'm subbing for her. it is quite the experience to watch your every move in a huge mirror. i do wish i was at my goal weight, but this is part of the journey. i love that there are classmates who are on this journey with me and that i'm not doing this alone.

my deal this week is to be okay putting my full health as a priority.

well rounded health?

last week i had quite the week. kenley and i had a really good conversation. in that conversation kenley reminded me that i'm carrying a lot of stress. i don't think that i acknowledge that it's a stressful time in my life...and by me saying that doesn't mean i'm not caring about someone else's stress :)

but because i'm stressed it doesn't take much to push me over the edge.

that brings me to the question of well-rounded health.

i'm borrowing marcia's copy of bell hooks' sisters of the yam: black women and self-recovery. the most challenging chapter has been knowing peace: and end to stress. funny that this chapter follows work makes life sweet.

the chapter begins with 'when we live in peace, our lives are not tormented by the anguish of stress.'

hooks continues by writing 'we are only able to make lifestyle choices that enhance well-being and reduce or eliminate debilitating stress if we believe we deserve to live well. Most black women do not have this sense of 'entitlement.' we are not raised to believe that living well is our birthright. Yet, it is. We have to claim this birthright. Doing so automatically creates a change in perspective that can act as an intervention on the stress in our lives.'

i read this book just about a chapter a week b/c it's incredibly challenging. stress affects all parts of our health. right?

so yesterday i was reading Wired...there was a pretty hilarious four page spread on technology. at the end of the article/segment there is a section about not working all of the time. the writer mentions a decision you have to make between calling in sick to go on a 3 day vacation with friends to iceland....or going to work. the writer encourages the reader to think to five years from now and wonder how will this decision affect me in the future and how will this make my life not about work. there's no question, i would call in sick and take that vacation. well i'd probably just take a vacation day...but if you know me, you'd know what i'd do. i think we take ourselves too seriously, especially when it comes to work, and when we take ourselves too seriously we get stressed out about things that are ridiculous and we stress other people out.

so to have well rounded health i really think that we have to live life...well. this isn't living life in disrespect to others or as irresponsible adults, but it's living life and enjoying what life is. we're surrounded by every day miracles, chances to interact with people from all walks of life, opportunities to accept the invitation to remember we're not as important as we think we are....and to just be.

so. my suggestion for well rounded health. i think that people could take a vacation day or a half day once a quarter (especially on a friday) and just be. :)

age

yesterday at work i was complaining about how my hip was hurting...and then how my back was hurting. i immediately felt old.

today in the gym i realized that in the past two years i can tell a marked difference in how my body responds or doesn't respond to exercise...and weight loss. when i first started weight watchers i lost weight almost every week. granted i had a lot of weight to lose, but i never had a truly difficult series of months. but this time around, i'm noticing that it takes a little bit more work to really encourage these pounds to go hiking. i have to run a bit more. i have to weight train a bit more.

and i know it's worth it. i'd love to turn 30 and be in the best shape of my life. i admire the women who come to the gym each morning and are well into their 50s...and look amazing. committing to health is a life long journey!

blogstalker

i said that i was going to use this blog to reflect more on my journey with food an weight loss and in between. i guess my journey has to be reflective of all of the areas of my life....spiritual, social, emotional, mental. etc.

so, one of my favorite things to do is to follow blogs. especially blogs about people moving to omaha.

i remember stumbling on alice kim's blog. she recently opened a sweet store in the old market, trocedero, and moved from new york to omaha. sound familiar? i knew that her experience wasn't goin got be just like kenley's, but i knew that he would have someone to talk to about his move to omaha from new york (he will be here a year at the end of this month!)

so. daphne told me about a blog about a young woman's journey to omaha. what intrigued me was that she was a member of the Episcopal church. britt, mar, kenley and i just finished our inquiry class and because one of my strengths is INPUT, i want to devour everything Episcopal. she recently arrived from the west coast to o-town! welcome!

anyway. i stalked her blog. enjoy!

creation

when i pick kenley up in the morning, i always try to get there a little early so i can peek at our garden.

this morning, after the gym, i ran by and picked up my laundry and stood in the garden a bit. the rain from last night must've fed the plants a lot. i kneeled and stared in awe at the plants. these little plants started from mere seeds at some point. there are a few plants that i started from seeds (some basil and thyme - the thyme is trying to grow!)...and other plants that we bought as planters. i'm amazed that in a little seed, there are molecules, cells and etc and all and then some...that know what to do with the right food, water, ingredients. life bursts forth in the midst of solitude. it's amazing.

i stood up and looked at the herbs. we have lemon verbana, oregano and basil. i looked at a particular basil plant that i have quite an affinity towards. there was an afternoon when k and i got into a disagreement and the tears started to flow. the tears weren't a response to the disagreement, but it was an emotional response to what's been growing inside of me. i get married in less than three months, i move, i'm learning about myself as a woman...lots of heavy things...and i'm trying to grow in the midst of brokenness. so, this basil plant got eaten up by this green worm. its leaves were destroyed...i didn't think it was going to make it. but i replanted it with the hopes that a new home near other herbs would make it happy. that move saved that litel plants life. it's now thriving with life...after brokenness.

so this morning i just stood in wonder at all the things that were growing. the butternut squash that is loving life...the blossoms that continue to catch my eye with its telltale orange/yellow blossom. then i catch a whiff of our tomatoes...and then i smell the basil. i haven't even touched the basil, but its fragrance is overwhelming (in a good way). it covers the garden in a sweet healing and protective aroma.

i love the garden.