welcome home

i went to my first weight watchers meeting of 2010. it felt like i was going home. i didn't know any of the members; i didn't even know the leader. but i felt like i was home. the leader was hilarious. she cussed a little, but she laughed even more. she was full of life and joy. we didn't talk about food food...but we talked about hunger and our emotions. it was a good reminder to understand how intertwined those things are. so here's to my first week of WW in awhile. i'm looking forward to it!

stage fright

i'm not a morning person, but i am a morning gym person. i would prefer to get my workout down before 8 am and not have to step foot in a gym after 5 pm. i subbed for a friend this week, taking over two evening classes. it is official. i am not an evening workout instructor. i get nervous all day about the class. i cram and cram. i listen to loud techno music and sometimes walk around to think through moves if i'm taking a break from work. it doesn't help. i usually make myself nervous...and make some mistakes. too many lunges here. calling elbows shoulders. running the wrong direction. but it's okay. the workout is over now.
thank.
goodness.

ongoing

tomorrow i enter a familiar place...the center mall on 42nd street and center. my old stomping grounds. good ole weight watchers. i'm going to go for 17 weeks...that's how long the coupons are for this time. and i'm going to a different meeting time and day with a new leader. i'm looking forward to being among strangers who are on different parts of this journey. i'm looking forward to relearning things that i thought i figured out...i think that's the first sign of realizing you need help..when you think you have it figured out, we never do.

so, this is my ongoing journey and i'm okay with it. this is life. this is why i depend on God and not me. cause if it were up to me i'd be in a heap of trouble.

dragging

i drag myself to work. i drag myself to work out. i drag myself to get ready to eat. i've been dragging a little these months. but i've also noticed where i've actually showed up. it is a choice to drag or to show up. this week i choose to show up. and i think that will be good for me and others.

twisted

i've written this blog a million different times. maybe just a few times. i wasn't sure what i wanted to write. today when i was walking our dog i had a thought. well a few thoughts. in my journey with food, there was a really dark part that i was afraid to admit or acknowledge. these dark places - that i wanted to do it on my own and that things would eventually change - only dispersed in the light and knowledge of God's grace and freedom. i remember how i felt when my parents asked me to join weight watchers. i recently had to ask my mom for help again. i have a friend who is my accountability partner. and i told kenley where i was with my journey. i saw similar habits creeping back into my life...they're so comfortable! but they're so wrong. so i had to ask for help and assistance and i haven't felt this excited or hopeful in a long time. i must go now, the dog royally farted and i have to move away from this stank.

a book

while traveling to a friend in NC i started on my book. i wrote an introduction to the book i want to write...maybe need to write. i told some friends my crazy dreams about what i want to do with this book and they told me that dreams should be followed or at least considered. i think that often we discredit our dreams as being selfish, ridiculous or impossible. that happens when we take credit for those dreams. i won't take credit for my dreams. i submit them to God. so we'll see. i hope to write somewhat regularly even if it's just to write.

the book is a part of a dream i have of somehow working with non-white women and men in journeys to whole health. so we'll see. that's it. more later.

sentenced to life with the possibility of parole

this is a short reflection. yesterday I was listening to NPR's This American Life this morning about a person in jail who first was denied parole...his sentence was death with the possibility of parole. He was first denied and then his case went up again and that decision was reversed. He was released! The story really spoke to me. I sat listening to the story crying with excitement for the man in the story, but also because that is my story. I mean, I think it's probably a part of everyone's story. I was sentenced to death...but Christ has given me life, but sometimes I still live in death, but I always have the possibility of parole - grace. And I want to live in this knowledge, Christ has paroled me, I don't have to live in death and bondage to food.

if you are struggling between living in either death or life, choose life. it's a choice for every day. and i think it's worth it.

state of recovery

i've overhead conversations about recovering alcoholics who attend meetings as a part of their continued recovery. i've watched documentaries about food addicts who explain how difficult it is to live with an addiction that you struggle with each time you sit down to eat each meal and snack. understanding my relationship with food and the emotions that surround food will be a constant part of my recovery with food. and i will be in recovery for the rest of my life. isn't the first part of dealing with an addiction is acknowledging that there is a problem that is beyond our control?