for real-ly real?

• i wonder why i liked klondike bars so much as a child. i saw a klondike bar commercial today and though, huh, that doesn't even look that good.
• i'm curious why i will still watch diary of a mad black woman after watching it a million times.
• and really. why does tbs play it so often.
• i love evenings around a meal.
• i'm so happy i was able to learn how to shuck corn with my boo.
• um. i'm SO thrilled that kenley lives less than a mile from me. YES. he moved here about 24 hours ago.
• my washer and dryer were moved from the wests' home and moved to kenley's. no more quarters.
• i managed to run 8 miles today. a year ago i would have never imagined i could run 8 miles without stopping.
• i love 3 day weekends. i mean. love them.
• i love taking photos. especially with other people's cameras. :)
• the magazine travel and leisure makes me smile.
• i do love the aux-plug in my car for my ipod.
• i'm so so so excited from this weekend. i'm looking forward to many more fun, full weekends ahead.

i certainly love...

• slow evenings over a meal and a shared hookah. laughing at jokes.
• when i use the sentence 'have you been drinking' in a conversation. and the answer is yes.
• strong cheese. and how it adds to a meal. gives it a punch. sass. depth. by itself it's just strong and a bit obnoxious.
• how friendships are strengthened through tears and laughter.
• good videography
• rediscovering childlike curiosity over a pile of dried, dead, blue iridescent bugs
• how tears sting my eyes
• how laughter hurts my belly
• how autumn makes the sky look different
• a finished run makes me feel
• quiet

things that make me laugh

- that there is secret bathroom etiquette. if you walk into the bathroom with one other person and there are three stalls, you take the one on the very right or left...and the other person doesn't take the middle....she goes to the very opposite.
- i cut my finger this week. and it hurt.
- i've watched fifteen minutes of tyler perry's house of payne and might have liked it.
- i yawned in spinning class. i'm REALLY tired.
- and i almost cried in spinning class. i'm REALLY tired and it was HARD.
- and i yelled in spinning class. that instructor is SO good.
- i must go to bed now so i can run in the morning.

the f word

somewhere down the line the word feminist became a bad word, sort of like fuck. it became the other f word. and when you said it, people would look at you with that look.

my lunch date said that while we were munching away at some delicious food at goldbergs. and i had to agree.

then she said something like this.
fuck yeah. i want women to have equal rights. i am a feminist.

and i had to agree even more.

fall fragrances

this week as i was walking to my car for work, i smelled some of the first signs of fall. my mornings are cooler and less humid. i hear the kiddos walking to the nearby school. i hear the birds, a little less frequently. the sun arrives a little later than usual.

i'm noticing it more because this summer i've spent a lot of time outside. i went to some public pools. i've been running outside. a lot.

after work today i decided i would run downtown. as i've increased my mileage i've had to become more creative in where i run. i can only do some many loops around memorial and elmwood. so today i ran downtown. i realized what is so cool about running is that i can see a lot of things around omaha. ive forgotten how close we are to some things in the city. i'm usually quick to get in my car and drive. but i miss so many things.

so today was a 4.5 mile run. i mapped out my run and thought wow, that's so far. i started at the office and made my way to abbot drive - gallup university campus. on my way there i saw con agra, i ran near the river, saw the finishing touches on the pedestrian bridge, saw some construction, ran near a pond. and then i started me return and i saw the most spectacular view of omaha. it was the skyline of omaha! i saw st. cecilia and our 'tall' buildings :). it was beautiful. and i was happy. i ran back and took a different route and went over a pedestrian bridge. and made it back to the office.

i got back and could actually admit. i do love running. i did dread the run all day. but after finishing this run, i was exhilarated. i was so happy that i didn't do the run inside on the treadmill.

that's it. i do love the sweet, initial signs of fall, one of my favorite seasons, and i hope that i can still enjoy nature and engage in what nature is just around the corner.

awkward encounters with the WW lady

since omaha isn't that big there is a chance that you may run into someone you know around town.

a couple of times i've run into my weight watchers leader at the grocery store. i usually do a quick look at my cart and sigh, with relief. my grocery cart is typically full of veggies and faux meat. and probably some 100 calorie packet.

now last week i had one of those weeks. and yes, food is my comfort (do i get credit for that one?), i ordered a chocolate chip cookie for mandy and a LOWfat (it makes me feel better) chocolate chip banana bread for myself. as i began to nibble at the cookie i looked up just in time to see....

her.

my weight watchers leader. i panicked like i was getting caught skipping chapel and hanging out at sonic in nicholasville (i'd never do that). i pushed the cookie all the way to mandy. and buried myself into my book. she came in. i didn't look up. she left.

so i couldn't go to the meeting this saturday. i was too afraid.

and then i started thinking. i can't be afraid. i don't want to be afraid when it comes to my health and being accountable to it. (yes, i can do it)

this past month i've been training for a half-marathon. it's been really important for me to focus on something that is good for my health and not focus on the numbers on the scale.

this morning rachelle, mimi and i ran 7 miles in iowa on the wabash trail. it was an exhilarating moment. i realized i was in shape. i decided that if i could run these miles this week that i'd officially register for the race. i have a month and five days to keep at it.

in that time i hope to:

• continue watching my alcohol intake - i can barely run the day after enjoying one too many glasses of wine
• continue finding my way to full health
• kickstart these last few pounds into the ground. forever.
• find new running paths that make me smile
• enjoy the outdoors more and more each day
• have runs without my music
• find my confidence
• love nature
  

mmm.

an evening with friends is a balm for the soul.
healing deep places of darkness. and hurt.
creating space for silence.
and celebration. and ofcourse tears.
and saying good night is sweet.
a walk to the car. floating on laughter. and newly made memories.
and solitude that is familiar and comfortable. embraced by the thoughts and prayers of you.

heaving. heavy.

my steps are heavier than usual. my legs feel like lead. but not from running.

but from hours, minutes, seconds that seem to multiply their weight by two.

my thoughts get lost in thoughts. my questions get stuck behind doubts.

heavy eyelids, eyes with tears. burning. salt water.

i didn't put this week on my back correctly. it hurts. seems imbalanced. it shifts.

and i sit down. elbows on knees. face in hands.

choking

yesterday i spent some time in a backyard.

i journaled. read the bible. and sat. as i reflected i had this thought come into my head.

i began to write it and thought to myself this isn't new, this isn't profound. but damn it takes me a long time to get it.

i'm known for planning. a lot. it's a weird sign of control issues. (i think). the more i try to control, the tighter i hold onto situations, relationships, circumstances, dreams, motivations, the harder those things have a chance to grow, move, change, be miraculous.

i have to submit. i have to let go. it's scary. for a moment as i let things go, i see them fall to the ground. i'm tempted to sweep them up before they have a chance to hit the ground. but i can't. i have to wait, with fear and trembling and faith, that God will be there. God is There. God carries. God holds.

and i let go.

to write escribir

last night and old friend and i reconnected. she's on her way to portland. she mentioned that she was excited to be in the midst of creative people. before spending a year traveling the world with a mission organization, she worked in the corporate world where she thought she might have lost a part of herself.

i remember using that phrase four years ago. i was working at banana republic and an ad agency. there was a moment i told one of my friends that i didn't feel like myself anymore. i just went through the motions.

lately i've felt like i've lost a bit of myself that i need to recover.

i love to write. that's what i went to school for...for six years. i wrote for papers, i managed a paper, i helped start a spanish-english paper for lexington, i worked with high school students from inner-city memphis as they wrote for a monthly paper. i edited. i designed. i had deadlines. i interviewed. i dreamed. i wrote. i recorded.

last week i found some of my grad work on a jump drive. i went through it and thought, oh my, i wrote and i wrote a lot. and i read a lot.

and now i miss it. i've been working on one article for the cry and i've struggled to write it. i'm out of practice i guess. and i kind of default to this non-writer. and i shrug my shoulders and continue on going through some of the motions.

it's hard because i know that we are called to submit and lay down our educations, experiences and offer them to the poor. but i have a weird idea of service. i've imagined it as doing things that you hate or aren't good at for the sake of doing them. and i don't know what is right.

that's it.

thankful

i'm incredibly thankful for my friends today.

a number of us are going to be running a faux 5k together. and i'm so excited to be around some of my favorite people.

i cry

i have never cried during the olympics. well. i'm not sure. but, it's a little late. it's almost one. i should be in bed. i wanted to drink some water.

i just finished watching the women's 10000 meters.

so this is around 6 miles i guess. the united states had a couple of runners in the event. it's been several olympics since an american (u.s.a.) has even medaled in this event. kind of crazy. so. i'm watching this event. and notice that shalene flanagan, u.s.a. runner, is in fourth place. the camera shows a shot of her mom in the crowd and you can clearly read what her mom is screaming.

you can do it. you can do it.

and i lost it.

i wondered, can she hear her mom screaming over the crowds? she just knows her mom is cheering for her.

so i cried. we struggle, we cry, we labor, we moan, we question, we doubt, we crawl. do we hear 'you can do it, you can do it' over the rest of the noise?

i hope so. i know that it's hard for me to believe it when i want to give up. sweet Jesus cries with me, labors with me, crawls with me, moans with me, labors with me...and i hear Him encouraging me. so tonight i pray that you know that you can do it. (not by yourself ofcourse) but as you're on this journey, stop for a moment and listen, drown out the crowd, and listen.

you can do it.

shalene placed third :)

oooo.

yep. you're right. sneak peak at my prayer letter below! ! !
want the highlights?
im running a half-marathon in september. what am i thinking?
and i'm still running the marathon of support raising...what a great connection.
how can you help right now? consider giving to wmf on my behalf! ! ! and keep praying!


Dear friends,

I got a little panicky last month. In January I decided that I wanted to run a half marathon. I think it might have been so cold in January that the thought of running in the sun sounded amazing.

I began training for the half marathon around the beginning of August. I was able to kick out some good distances on the treadmill and thought hey this will easily translate into miles outside. Right. What I had forgotten while jamming away with my mp3 player and running on treadmills was that Omaha is downright hilly. When I walk outside of my apartment I have four different directions I could go, north, east, south or west. It does not matter which direction I choose because I might as well be going uphill both ways.

So in the mornings, I fight with my alarm clock and face the fact that I’ve learned that I can gasp for air while fighting through the fire in my legs. And I’ve learned to like it. I’ve had lots of time for thoughts, prayer, reflection and even some conversations with running partners.

My running partners are my favorite parts about running. There’s always a moment while running when I look at my friend and hope that she might need to stop, catch her breath, tie her shoes or maybe look at the scenery. It’s usually right as we’re approaching some infamous hill. Convenient.

When I run with friends, I’m all better. The hill doesn’t seem that hard. And really, when we get to the top of the hill together, it feels so much sweeter.

This story makes sense and the connection is pretty clear. :-) You all have given me renewed strength and faith when times have been hard and when I’ve wanted to give up. You all inspire me.

I wanted to give you all an update on how things are going for my support account. Thankfully my support account has been in the positive for most of the year. On average I am receiving approximately $1,500 a month (a majority of that represents monthly gifts!). As I look at the next couple of months I anticipate that my support account is going to go negative. If I were to receive $500 more a month this year, my support account would be healthy. This is the part of journey when I look to you because I can’t catch my breath.

If you have been considering financially partnering with Word Made Flesh on my behalf – there are several ways to do so – return the response card, fill out the auto-deduct form or visit our website for easy online giving. I appreciate the sacrifices and commitments you have made to our friends.

Keep praying for me. I need it these days. I’m feeling the weight of the past few months. I’m been blessed by the response of you all as you have carried my burdens in different ways. If it was remembering that I needed some knives for my kitchen or if it was sending a coffee gift card, you all have been signs of provision and answers to prayers.

thank you. js

don't get bogged down by the news of the rest of the world

that's a poor summarization of a commercial i heard on the radio and tv today. hearthstone homes has been downgraded in my eyes.

the radio commercial started with this scary low voice man...

summary:
saying that all of the u.s. economy is bad is like having one weather forecast for the u.s. so that's why we're saying that omaha is a good economy and that's because of people like you...

and the ad (both tv and radio) ends with....

there has never been a better time to live a larger life.

really?
downgrade - hearthstone home.

color. what's considered color?

one of my trademarks when i write blogs is that they are scattered and sometimes unfounded. they come from quick questions in my head. they come from flutters of inspiration that quickly dissipate into the air. i can't always catch them.

when i wrote non-white, i know i excluded some people. i did say full-time staff people. we do have two hispanics who work in our office. i believe one is full-time and one is part-time. i don't want to categorize it all out and say...non-white full-time serving in the wmf office people. so we'll just say non-white fleshies. my boyfriend is biracial. i've learned that it's bi-racial and not mixed b/c he claims both his thai and african american heritage. so. i mistakenly left out one a staff member in bolivia who is also biracial. and THEN i forgot two staff members who check 'latino/hispanic.'

this all comes back to what's considered non-white.

and it could be easy to look at me and say well you don't have many non-white friends. it could be easy for me to admit that i'm not doing enough and not working hard enough. but. there's something that's deeper than that. we're still a segregated society, a segregated church. and i don't want it to continue. we in nebraska are facing a huge bill that will be on the ballots in november about affirmative action. and i remember. we are not that far from the civil rights movement...and it's not just about african americans. it is about the oppression of native americans....its about lation people who experienced conquest by southern europeans of spanish background...and asian americans who experienced hatred and resentment in the years of immigration (taken loosely from the heart of racial justice).

we've missed something.

bring me some color. any color.

i'm writing a hard article this week. it's about the lack of diversity in organizations similar to wmf.

this is something that has been on my heart for awhile and i can't ignore it anymore.

these are just some of my observations and questions. i hope to figure out what's true.

- are most organizations like wmf majority white? why is that?
- do non-whites have a harder time fitting in a non-profit culture that is predominately still white?
- will there be a brain-drain if non-whites leave their own neighborhoods and communities, would they have a harder time raising financial and other types of support?
- are there undertones of colonialism in current modern-day 'missions?'
- why is it that there are only four non-white wmf staff members?
- and why don't we ever see new non-white wmf staff members? but see new white staff members?

this isn't a critique of wmf. i don't think. it's a critique of something. i want to wave my finger at someone or something. is it the church? is it the small christian colleges that a majority of us went....with probably less than 1% non-white students?

we're missing something. and i'm restless. and i'm tired. i think it's wrong that organizations like wmf don't have any color.

we're taught, to have a good meal you should have lots of colors represented...red bell pepper, green beans, potato, veggie burger....not potato, squash and pasta. and that's what it looks like these days. lots of the same color.

i need color in my life at work. i need someone who actually gets where and why you say 'what had happened' or someone who knows what it means to make a plate...

that's it. today i'm sad.

dundee starbucks run route

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my coworkers, my friends

there are times when i can't believe who i get to work with. i feel like i brag about my friends, who i happen to work with, every other week on this blog, but i don't ever get tired of it. i'm incredibly blessed to work with some of my closest friends who inspire me each day.

i've been here for a little over three years and i'm still blown away by my friends.

cesia - she's so gracious and generous. i don't think that i've ever seen her upset or mad. she practices spanish with me every morning at work.
jose - quietly courageous man of faith. he's profound and inspirational. he says hello to me each morning.
michelle - i can't get enough of her and her humor. and her way of serving the community. i can't stop laughing when i'm with her.
brent - oh snap. the capacity of his heart to love others is breathtaking. he's real good at telling funny stories. i mean real good.
annie - her self-awareness and vulnerability can teach us a lot. i like her unique sense of style
chris - his ability to see structures and systems and make sense of them...whoa whoa whoa. he has real good music. and he's super generous.
amanda - even if her door is closed, she is interruptible. she laughs at my jokes. i am funny.
phileena - she shares her mind and heart. and she's beautiful. and she has a great sense of style. and she's deliberative. i like that.
daphne - gets me like no one else gets me. and she thinks i'm pretty funny. and she's pretty funny, too.
mandy - she will give you a smile and laugh and a shoulder to cry on in a heart beat. she doesn't think i'm always so crazy.
marcia - she is so dang smart it makes me sick. okay. not sick. (we already got sick). but she is a genius and i love it. and she'll go face-to-face about affirmative action. and she's hilarious. and thinks i'm funny, too.

and i'm excited to see silas, paul and liz in the office soon! ! ! !

30 second blog

as a child i wanted -
a retainer and/or braces...so i used paperclips in my mouth. ouch.
long dangling earrings - so i used paperclips in my ears. ouch.
glasses...so i kept my friend's glasses for a week (she left them at my house) she really needed them, i refused.
to have a cast. i ran into walls on purpose, slept in weird positions hoping that i'd wake up and need a cast.
long nails. i put pistachio shells on my nails...and taped them. like this.
AND. i also wanted headgear real bad. when i got it, i wore it to the mall. in public. yes. yes i did.

mine mine mine

i'm an oldest child. sometimes i forget, but i'm sure that others know.

i'm incredibly selfish and like things my way and on my time. i lack adaptability and grace and patience.

i've had time to articulate how i've been feeling the past few months with friends and loved ones. and i feel like there's so much grace around me as i wrestle with it all.

i have a hard time always introducing different groups of friends to other groups of friends. in my head i think, this is my friend and this is my friend, you two will not be friends.

i'm not sure why i do that. i think because it's some weird selfish thing. i'll introduce friends on my terms and if they hang out, i might feel jealous.

so lately i've heard a lot of mine, mine, mine boil up in my throat. it burns and i want to throw it up but i've really had to try and swallow it. it's painful. it's oh so painful. like i said in my last blog i've tried to make friends outside of my circle and it's been good, it's been a long process and in that process i've been protective. i don't want anyone to infiltrate. i want to have the conversations i want to have. i don't want the dynamic to change. i want it to be about me.

damn. really? is that me? i think it is. i've learned that i arm wrestle with change and i'm really good at winning. or so i thought. change happens despite the road blocks i throw at it. i can't win against it, i can definitely pretend, but i usually don't win. and it's hard. really hard.

but i'm learning that there is an aspect of protecting that i think is healthy. i don't have to feel guilty not inviting every single person i know on facebook to an event (800+ invited to beggars society, had to throw that out there)...and i don't have to feel paralyzed trying to think about whose feelings i'm hurting.

yes, i was that kid as a child. my desire was that everyone felt included. that's a good kid. :) but the opposite was painful...never finding the freedom to have my own time with my own friends. there's something special about one-on-one time, something that's nurturing, something that's intimate that happens and it's okay if i fight for that.

but it's probably not okay if i'm mean about it, right?

so there. you have it. i'm an oldest child with tendencies to want my friends, activities, events, parties, laughter, movies to be mine, mine, mine. i'm learning. a lot. in this moment. so give me grace. a lot of it. i promise i'll give it to you, too.

yours. js

that hill bitch slapped me (ape shit)

note: i don't really like the term bitch. it's derogatory to women. i need to find a replacement for it. marcia suggested ape shit. maybe that will be the new phrase.

one of my goals this year is to run a half marathon. as i've struggled to lose and gain these last pounds on my budunkadunkfullofjunk, i've realized i need some type of goal that's not directly related to numbers on a scale.

so. this is the third week i've been running to train the half marathon in omaha at the end of september. and i've really enjoyed it. i love the feeling i get as i finish a run. but i do NOT like the hills. i mean i dread them. i look at them. i avoid them. but i know that i need to have them in my training schedule to get over them.

i'd rather not.

but. i'm learning a lot about kicking these hills in the tail so they don't kick me in the tail.

there have been plenty of times in my time here in omaha when it's felt like an uphill battle. i'd rather look behind me in the past and make my way back to things comfortable than push through it. i thought that i had some endurance, but i'm learning that i sometimes don't. in the past year i've worked hard at finding a circle of friends or different circles of friends that make me feel at home. finding friends has probably been one of the hardest battles that i've taken on while here in omaha. i love love love and miss miss miss all of my friends in memphis. so i've been deliberate about finding different avenues of finding friendships. i've had to go out of my comfort zone to put myself out there to say hello...and it's worked. i feel like i'm at the point of the hill where i can catch my breath for a moment.

and i'm just jara.

teaser

i had a sleepover on saturday.