mine mine mine

i'm an oldest child. sometimes i forget, but i'm sure that others know.

i'm incredibly selfish and like things my way and on my time. i lack adaptability and grace and patience.

i've had time to articulate how i've been feeling the past few months with friends and loved ones. and i feel like there's so much grace around me as i wrestle with it all.

i have a hard time always introducing different groups of friends to other groups of friends. in my head i think, this is my friend and this is my friend, you two will not be friends.

i'm not sure why i do that. i think because it's some weird selfish thing. i'll introduce friends on my terms and if they hang out, i might feel jealous.

so lately i've heard a lot of mine, mine, mine boil up in my throat. it burns and i want to throw it up but i've really had to try and swallow it. it's painful. it's oh so painful. like i said in my last blog i've tried to make friends outside of my circle and it's been good, it's been a long process and in that process i've been protective. i don't want anyone to infiltrate. i want to have the conversations i want to have. i don't want the dynamic to change. i want it to be about me.

damn. really? is that me? i think it is. i've learned that i arm wrestle with change and i'm really good at winning. or so i thought. change happens despite the road blocks i throw at it. i can't win against it, i can definitely pretend, but i usually don't win. and it's hard. really hard.

but i'm learning that there is an aspect of protecting that i think is healthy. i don't have to feel guilty not inviting every single person i know on facebook to an event (800+ invited to beggars society, had to throw that out there)...and i don't have to feel paralyzed trying to think about whose feelings i'm hurting.

yes, i was that kid as a child. my desire was that everyone felt included. that's a good kid. :) but the opposite was painful...never finding the freedom to have my own time with my own friends. there's something special about one-on-one time, something that's nurturing, something that's intimate that happens and it's okay if i fight for that.

but it's probably not okay if i'm mean about it, right?

so there. you have it. i'm an oldest child with tendencies to want my friends, activities, events, parties, laughter, movies to be mine, mine, mine. i'm learning. a lot. in this moment. so give me grace. a lot of it. i promise i'll give it to you, too.

yours. js