choking

yesterday i spent some time in a backyard.

i journaled. read the bible. and sat. as i reflected i had this thought come into my head.

i began to write it and thought to myself this isn't new, this isn't profound. but damn it takes me a long time to get it.

i'm known for planning. a lot. it's a weird sign of control issues. (i think). the more i try to control, the tighter i hold onto situations, relationships, circumstances, dreams, motivations, the harder those things have a chance to grow, move, change, be miraculous.

i have to submit. i have to let go. it's scary. for a moment as i let things go, i see them fall to the ground. i'm tempted to sweep them up before they have a chance to hit the ground. but i can't. i have to wait, with fear and trembling and faith, that God will be there. God is There. God carries. God holds.

and i let go.