rainy evenings

I'm thankful for the rainy evening that we're sharing with the rest of Omaha today. I'm hanging out with Dolly and Kenley. It's one of the first nights that we've all been at home in quite awhile...it's been over a week. We finally went grocery shopping..it's definitely been over a week. I can't remember the last time that I had some fruit. That was a scary realization. I was living on different forms of refined sugar and really delicious treats and lots of gluten. I could totally feel the effect those decisions had on my body. What i've noticed is that when I'm tired or stressed, my eating goes out of the window. It's the one thing that I don't have to really watch in the midst of a busy or stressful time. But then that decision really comes back to haunt me in the form of a stomachache. I can remember going to sleepovers as a kid way back when and eating way too much because of my nerves or excitement...and then getting really sick and spending the night in the bathroom. Food has been much more of a companion to my feelings than even I have. I know my feelings are there, and sometimes it is easier to not deal with them and just allow them to be covered by food. But I challenge myself....to release my emotions. They won't overwhelm me to the point where I can't move....I mean...even if they do, I will make it, I will be okay.

So on this rainy evening, I'm thankful that I'm finally able to just rest and just be. It's been a really long few weeks and I really needed a night to just let the events of the last few weeks to just hit me...and not control me. And tomorrow, what will grow? What will be greener? What will surprise me?

What do you hear? (part two)

Part of my journey to health is to not stop my reflections just on food...what I eat, etc. For me, my health is a much wider than what I eat or don't eat....it does go to what I put on my skin....in my hair...what I read, watch...spend my time doing. You know?

I will refer to one of my favorite books - Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. Part of her book Roth explains the practice of inquiry. The practice of inquiry is all about self-reflection and listening to our bodies. Click here for part of the book. I will include some of my favorite parts below.

Sometimes when I ask students what they are feeling in their bodies, they have no idea. It's been a couple of light-years since they felt anything in or about their bodies that wasn't judgment or loathing. So it's good to ask some questions that allow you to focus on the sensations themselves. You can ask yourself if the feeling has a shape, a temperature, a color. You can ask yourself how it affects you to feel this. And since no feeling is static, you keep noticing the changes that occur in your body as you ask yourself these questions. If you get stuck, it's usually because you're having a reaction to a particular feeling—you don't want to feel this way, you'd rather be happy right now, you don't like people who feel like this—or you're locked into comparing/judging mode.

So, be precise. "I feel a gray heap of ashes in my chest" rather than "I feel something odd and heavy." Don't try to direct the process by having preferences or agendas. Let the inquiry move in its own direction. Notice whatever arises, even if it surprises you. "Oh, I thought I was sad, but now I see that this is loneliness. It feels like a ball of rubber bands in my stomach." Welcome the rubber bands. Give them room. Watch what happens. Keep coming back to the direct sensations in your body. Pay attention to things you've never told anyone, secrets you've kept to yourself. Do not censor anything. Do not get discouraged. It takes a while to trust the immediacy of inquiry since we are so used to directing everything with our minds. It is helpful, though not necessary, to do inquiry with a guide or a partner so that you can have a witness and a living reminder to come back to the sensation and the location.

So today, I want to allow what my body is telling me to be welcomed into my life...I want to identify what they are...what they look like...where they are...I think when we identify our feelings for what they are....feelings, they lose their power/control over us.

More later. I actually took a picture of my dinner tonight. I want to post it sometime. We have shady internet...it just cuts in and out so it's hard for me to get super invested in what I'm writing because I fear I'll lose my post.

What do you hear? (part one)

I'm not sure how many parts this blog will be. One of my dear friends asked if I would share about my experience of listening to my body. I am definitely not an expert on this, but I am learning.

So, I was washing dishes and thinking about what I would write. I thought to myself...OMG (yes, omg, God has an incredible sense of humor!). God has created each of our bodies in unique ways and in that design God put some noises in our bodies. I'm amazed that we can feel and hear our heart beat in the form of a little grab of the wrist...and/or stethoscope. We can hear our heart beat when we're nervous...when we're exercising. In addition to our heartbeat, we can hear our breathing...and feel our breathing (even if we have a hearing impairment). We can feel and hear our stomach digest food or ask for food. We can hear and sometimes even feel our bodies release gas in the form of burping and farts :)

Our bodies in their very essence want to be felt and/or heard...in our bodies' very design, there are mechanisms that we have learned or not learned to acknowledge as our bodies' way of communicating with ourselves.

So, in my first part of...what do you hear...I ask myself and you...what do you hear your body telling you right now...are your shoes too tight? Do you feel your toes aching for more space? Is your stomach growling or trying to digest food? Are your muscles tired and twitching and needed a rest? Do you have a headache? Does your neck hurt? Are your hands cold? What are five things that your body is telling you right now?

For me?
My hands are cold. I need to get some tea.
My achilles tendon is pretty tight. I need to stretch.
I'm sniffling a lot...my nose is running and i'm not sure what that means...probably should take my allergy medicine.
I just rubbed my eye and heard how my eyelid responded...it was a weird noise...probably still should've taken my allergy medicine.
I just heard my knuckle pop...I should relax.

What are you hearing today? Tomorrow i'll write more. :) Thanks for reading.

i am not my hair

First of a few blog posts about what people want to hear about...this one is about my hair....or my haiirrree if you might say.

So, I’m going to write about my hair. I forgot that I haven’t really talked about how I’m ‘feeling’ about the process or anything. Thanks Chris for reminding me !

This week I haven’t really paid attention to my hair. It is still sort of straight from Sunday. I feel like I’m not sure how to relate to my hair in this in between stage. It’s sort of relaxed (chemically processed) with maybe an inch or so of new growth (unprocessed hair). I’m in a weird holding pattern until I make my appointment for May. When I think about May and my haircut, I’m excited and really nervous. I have no idea what my hair will look like or feel like. It’s like being set up on a blind-date with myself. I hope that I like my hair…I hope my hair likes me…will we have anything to talk about...

But I am nervous. There have been times when I’ve wondered, why not just keep going how I have been going. Why not? It’s easy. I guess that’s life though. Change may or may not feel good. But change is necessary.

I will definitely take photos of my hair when I get it cut. I can’t wait to see what it feels like and what it looks like. I’ve lived my adult life with shoulder length ish hair. And then I’ll have a TWA – teeny weenie afro.

I thought today that how often do I look at myself or a part of my body and wish that it looked a different way. I never let my body be my body in the present. I’m on this…live in the present kick….and I think that my body wants me to learn that for my body. I have to show myself grace and appreciate my body for what it looks like now and what it can do now. I can run a few miles inside and outside without passing out. I can lead a few cardio classes at the gym without embarrassing myself. And I can enjoy my hair even in this weird stage. It’s the hair of transition….it’s not where you want to be, but it is where it is. And that’s okay.

thank you to my readers :)

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog and/or comments. It's nice knowing that there are people who are reading.

I've enjoyed writing on my blog.

What have you all been learning about whole health? What do you want to know about whole health?

relax

just relax. I get so ramped up about everything that I never have a chance to be in the moment. i'm always thinking about the next thing. I'm a planner at work and that sometimes creeps into my personal life...in a bad way. I have to think about the next week of things...the next month...

but, today I want to relax...and be in Wednesday. It's a nice and rainy day in Omaha and I'll enjoy it.

natural

I went to my hair lady yesterday. I love Classy. She always does an amazing job. I hadn't had any heat on in my hair in two months. Seriously. No blow dryer...no straightener. It was interesting to see my hair straight again.

I noticed different people commenting on my hair...I even got about an inch cut off.

Those interactions made me stutter step. Am I making the right decision? Do I want natural hair? I do like my hair straight...it flows in the wind...

But today I was thinking, my hair in its natural form, anyones hair in its natural form is beautiful. We, in our natural form, are beautiful. So next month I'm going to cut my hair...remove the relaxed forms and let my natural hair wild and free. Because it is beautiful.

you remember...

I ran today. I've actually been running for the past three days. I'm not sure what happened...well, I do. In the middle of my run today I heard my body say...You remember how to do this and you remember you love it.

Oh snap. I love running! I enjoy taking classes at the gym because I like to be pushed, but I also like listening to my body when running. And I like when my body remembers how to do something. And likes it.

from the book women food and God.

'eventually we see that it was the investment in the brokenness, the constant effort to fix ourselves, that was the very thing that kept wholeness at bay. if you think that your job is to fix what is broken, you keep finding more broken places to mend...something happens every time i stop fighting with the ways things are....'

I would recommend this book to anyone right now. Part of my journey, even on this blog, has been my journey/fight with finding health. My signs of success would be fitting into x, y, z or running this far or not eating this but that...but my success was always attached to not doing something negative. Success was always based on doing something...but not being. Being true to myself and my health is beautiful.

...'diets are the outpicturing of your belief that you have to atone for being yourself to be worthy of existing...until the believe is understood and questioned, no amount of weight loss will touch the part of you that is convinced it is damaged. a lifetime of sufffering with food will fit right in with the definition you've formed about being alive. it will make sense to you that hatred leads to love and that torture leads to peace because you will be operating on the conviction that you must starve or deprive or punish the badness out of you...but once the belief and the subsequent decisions are questioned, diets and being uncomfortable in your body lose their seductive allure. only kindness makes sense. anything else is excruciating.' (pg 83-84).

we, myself including, have a love-hate relationship with food. our very dysfunctional way of relating to food is what keeps us in this weird twisted fight. you know?

so this week, kindness rules. kindness reminds us to be gentle to ourselves and give ourselves grace. we are loved. we are beloved. skinny, big, or in between. love doesn't go towards any size. it goes towards our hearts.

would you love me if i were 300 pounds?

I've asked Kenley that very question. I have to admit, I was serious.

I'm reading Women Food and God and wrote that question in the margins. At what point did I attach love to weight? By asking Kenley if he would love me if I gained a lot of weight also means that I'm asking him, do you love me because I am at this weight.

True love can't be connected to physical appearance. Love is a heart issue.

The bigger question for me is to ask...would I love myself if I were 300 pounds? And the next question, would I love myself at my weight now? And would I love myself at a lower weight. If I can't love Jara for Jara, if I can't love myself now I won't ever love myself. It doesn't matter how many calories I count or how many points I have leftover for the day.

So, I love love. And I love Jara. I'll write more about the things that i'm finding in this book later. Now, I'd like to rest.
love.

turbo certification and body bugg

with a nice tax return and some encouragement I paid for a turbo kick training class at the end of march. I just found out that I passed both the written and practical test. And I got a bodybugg. I've always wanted a bodybugg, but have never felt that I could realistically ever afford one. So with savings and a bit of extra money I bought one. I am amazed at how many calories I burn during the day. The only reason I haven't gained an enormous amount of weight (by the food I sometimes eat) is that I work out a lot.

I don't listen to my body very well...especially as it comes to what I eat. I'm learning more and more each day. If i'm not getting enough protein in my day, I will overeat something else. If I eat too many refined foods (wheat, sugar, etc), I don't make healthy decisions later in the day. This is my personal way that I have to eat. This is not how anyone else should eat. Our bodies tell us different things and what works for you won't work for me. I'm learning to be gentle with myself and understand what it means to eat true food.

I'm hearing my body call itself to eat more and more food that is closer to its natural state of food...processed food exit stage right. I hope to keep listening to my body and give myself grace.

I'm trying to cook more balanced meals...lots of veggies, protein and healthy carbs. Look for some pictures and recipes of foods that we're trying out in the SW household.

Happy almost weekend.

listening to your body

In last night's Learning Circle I shared about what i'm learning regarding the body and the signals that it gives us. God has created us with amazing bodies. I mean, seriously. I'm amazed every morning that God created me...God wakes me up each morning, gets me out of bed...and I thank God for this body I received.

So, that was a tangent. Last night I was just reflecting on all of the signs and signals that our body gives us as warning signs. When I'm too tired all of the time, what am I doing too much of? When I'm more likely to get sick, I am too tired...and then what am I doing too much of? When my stomach hurts all of the time, what am I feeding my body? When I get headaches everyday? Or stomach aches? Or backaches? And ladies, we have this monthly reminder that things are moving right along...what happens with it's too heavy? too light? or too long? or just gone?

I remember when I was living in Memphis, I was approaching my heaviest, I began to lose my period. My body was trying its best to balance things out, but it just couldn't until I started to participate in my healing...aka figure out what's happening. There is something beautiful about a woman's monthly cycle. I miss my natural cycle. I'm looking forward to figuring out natural family planning in the next year.

Our bodies are sometimes our best thermometers in telling us how we are doing.

I was reading one of my favorite blogs...curlynikki.com and they interviewed one of my favorite artists, Chrisette Michelle.

I love this part of the interview. Michelle just recently did her third BC (Big chop - chopping her relaxed hair off to give life to her natural hair). The interviewer asks about the pressure that she will inevitably experience from the industry to return to a straight style...

She responds with such grace...I will highlight my favorite part.

Chrisette: God hasn’t given us the spirit of fear but sometimes our flesh fights our heart. Every once in a while I’m afraid in my natural body even though my spirit knows precisely what it wants to do. I can never let what any one says shake me into being something I’m not. I have to be brave.

Every TV stage I walk on, I shake. Every controversial interview I do, I shake. Every time I change anything, including my hair, I shake. My record label knows me. I speak softly but, I don’t lie. When I know what I want I say it. My shaven head is my way of saying “I wont take no for an answer”, it is my way of saying “I believe in my creativity and artistry”. This is how I’ve chosen to express myself and guess what? I’m shaking. But that’s okay with me because I’m conquering my fears and living out of the box.

strong and powerful

I had a rough end to what was a pretty good week yesterday. I enjoyed some therapeutic tears and felt healed on the the other side of things. I"m still a work in progress, but I'm better because I atleast started.

During BodyPump this morning, I kept hearing myself say You are Strong AND Powerful. It was the weirdest thing ever. I usually have negative self-talk, but this morning, I allowed the positive self talk to win. I managed to run, do Turbo and lift. And my bodybugg told me that I was burning a lot of calories. I've been looking at a BodyBugg for atleast a year. It's a pricey purchase, but with the combination of a tax return and some other surprising income, I bought it. I've been wondering how to take my health to the next level so I've been working on counting my calories, watching my portions, listening to my body's signals and emotions, journaling (both general reflections and food portions), i'm counting my points for WW and i'm making some really good food. I'm taking it a day at a time. And so far I feel really good. Today, I feel good and I choose joy for the rest of the day.

I'm going to make two recipes...a cold veggie salad and curry, sweet potato lentils. I have my food scale and the some healthy food for the week. K and I are working on not eating out at all this week. I'll let you know how it goes.

recipe: yummy oatmeal

I love oatmeal. It's one of my favorite meals. One of my favorite bloggers has a whole page dedicated to oatmeal.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day...yes, and we should make sure we're eating it and eating enough calories for our bodies to work well...and getting some good nutrients...and while we're at it, enjoy the food and stay full.

If we're not enjoying the food we're eating and we're just eating because it's 'good for us' or 'it's low in calories'...what's the point. God gave us taste buds why not use them. Get some wholesome, food (none of this processed out junk) and enjoy your food today.

Oatmeal.
I used unsweetened plain old almond milk. Brought it to a boil...added my old fashioned oats.

Then put a frozen banana in the oats...threw in some cinnamon and some vanilla. Stirred...then brought out the whisk. Whisked away.

When it was done, I added some sunspire chocolate chips (grain sweetened), and about a half tablespoon of plain old peanut butter.

And boom. Breakfast of champions.

own it...don't let it own you

I have some of the best friends in the world. I feel like I am incredibly blessed to be surrounded by women who inspire me, encourage me and love me. I love love and I love friendships. Another one of my dear friends is my food accountability partner. I have really bad memories of accountability partners and high school. Anyway, that's another blog.

So, we check in once a week, talk about our weigh in...we text/talk throughout the week about what we're struggling with. She's been a really great inspiration and partner. We were texting about this past week...I went to my weight watchers meeting and didn't weigh in. There are just some days I need a break. We both struggled...she said that she was owning it. And I said yes, let's own it and not let x, y, z own us.

That's the theme of things i'd like to focus on this weekend and next week....and not just in issues of food. But so many times we try to stuff our emotions/responses down with food, video games, friends, movies...by stuffing down our emotions we do let them own us. We make poor decisions with our mind, body and soul...if we were to just rest in the emotions and acknowledge them, we diffuse the power.

This weekend i'll blog some more...on some fun gadgets I've gotten and some good food that we're eating.

with love. me.

shivering

Wednesday mornings are fairly routine to me. It's one of the mornings I work out fairly early. I've sometimes treated myself to a post-workout nap after my shower when I return. It reminds me of the summer I went to Pinkerton Park with my dad and would run with him. He was, and still is, an early bird. So, me, I think maybe a high schooler? or college student?, I woke up with him. Worked out, and then returned to bed.

This morning I didn't go back to bed. I'm trying to go to bed on time and wake up early to work out. I'm learning that I am a tried and true early bird. I asked Kenley to gently wake me up in the morning if I let my alarm continue to go off. He's been a great help. So this morning, post-shower, I snuggled into our sunroom with my journal and bible and companion, Dolly. It was a perfect way to start the morning even though I was shivering.

I made my way to the kitchen to make my breakfast...a smoothie. I've been inspired by a number of people who are smoothie-ing it up for spring. So, spinach, pineapple, raspberries, flax seed, carrot, a tiny tiny piece of ginger, strawberries, blackberries....and some water...and I have the perfect smoothie. I have a ton of it and I think i'll sip on it for most of the day...shivering.

women, food and God

I love meeting new friends. I also love learning about what they are reading. My newest friend referred to Women, Food and God. And I'm in love with just the description. The book reminds me of so much that I'm learning. I've bought a few books on half.com, but lately I want to cut back on those purchases. I love the library. I have around six books out on loan and I love them. This is the next book...unless I find it real cheap on half.com or someone gifts it to me :)

If you suffer about your relationship with food -- you eat too much or too little, think about what you will eat constantly or try not to think about it at all -- you can be free. Just look down at your plate. The answers are there. Don't run. Look. Because when we welcome what we most want to avoid, we contact the part of ourselves that is fresh and alive. We touch the life we truly want and evoke divinity itself.

Since adolescence, Geneen Roth has gained and lost more than a thousand pounds. She has been dangerously overweight and dangerously underweight. She has been plagued by feelings of shame and self-hatred and she has felt euphoric after losing a quick few pounds on a fad diet. Then one day, on the verge of suicide, she did something radical: She dropped the struggle, ended the war, stopped trying to fix, deprive and shame herself. She began trusting her body and questioning her beliefs.

It worked. And losing weight was only the beginning.

She wrote about her discoveries in When Food Is Love, her first New York Times bestseller. She gave huge numbers of women their first insights into compulsive eating and she changed huge numbers of lives for the better.

Now, after more than three decades of studying, teaching and writing about what drives our compul-sions with food, Geneen adds a profound new dimension to her work in Women, Food and God. She begins with her most basic concept: The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive. Your relationship with food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning, transformation and, yes, even God. But it doesn't stop there. Geneen shows how going beyond both the food and feelings takes you deeper into realms of spirit and soul to the bright center of your own life.

With penetrating insight and irreverent humor, Roth traces food compulsions from subtle beginnings to unexpected ends. She teaches personal examination, showing readers how to use their relationship with food to discover the fulfillment they long for.

Your relationship with food, no matter how conflicted, is the doorway to freedom, says Roth. What you most want to get rid of is itself the doorway to what you want most: the demystification of weight loss and the luminous presence that so many of us call "God."

Packed with revelations on every page, this book is a knock-your-socks-off ride to a deeply fulfilling relationship with food, your body...and almost everything else. Women, Food and God is, quite simply, a guide for life.

don't fight food

I'm trying to understand what I want to do with my passion for eating well and having whole lives. I've been humbled by friends who have invited me to participate in their journeys with them. One of the common themes and reflections that I hear is about food and our relationship with it. Food is not the enemy and we shouldn't fight against food. There are a lot of issues that surround our decisions with food. It doesn't matter how many points we count, how many calories we figure out, or how much weight we lose or gain...we have to get to the root of the problem, and a lot of times it seems that we have to go inside and with depth to figure out what's happening. And it's nice not to do that journey alone.