I SONG I FORGOT

for emma, forever ago - bon iver

LOVE bon iver's album! so good.

my mom's great blog!

check it out!

my 2008 soundtrack: my top songs

here are some of my favorite songs from the past year. most of them came out this year, but some of them came out earlier, but they are new to me. enjoy. you can click on the links and hear a 30 second sample via itunes...and buy if you like. if you like what you hear, let me know!

All Alright - Sigur Ros
I've been a big fan of Sigur Ros since Daniel introduced them to me several years ago. What a haunting song. I've been brought to tears by a lot of their music. This song is one of my favorites. It's a little long, but it's beautiful. I particularly enjoy that it is in english...at some points. I think. I love hearing the horn section mixed with the piano...and the voice, the voice. Around minute 4 is when it hits this climax...it's beautiful. Check it out.

Weapons - Son Lux
Aaron Strumpel introduced Son Lux to me last summer. He's this electronic fusion artist. I'm not sure how I would explain it, but I really enjoy the contemplative nature of his music. This song is one of my favorites of his album. "Put down all your weapons. Let me in through your open wounds" That's repeated throughout the song, throughout the complexity and buildup of the instruments and voice. Love it.

Bicentennial - Wyclef Jean
This is a new song to me. Chris, Brittany, Marcia and I got to hear Wyclef Jean this fall or summer. I was in love again. I forgot his talent :). This song is just a fun song. It reminds me of the concert and the dancing that we did.

The Gulag Orkestar - Beirut
Daphne and Caleb introduced me to this band. This band reminds me of the band that played at their wedding this summer. Listen around 1:06...then 1:56. Apparently the band is one person, Zach Condon (with some assistance from othres)...impressive I must say. He is like 22 years old! You could just rest with this music for hours. Beautiful music.

The City - Milosh
Another suggestion by Caleb. The whole album is good. I can listen to this for hours while on the computer. The combination of the electronic feel and his voice makes me happy. There's control in this music, it's not super scattered. There's a story behind each song which I appreciate, it's not just electronic music.

Come Close - Common
Another new one to me. You've got to watch the video on this one. I love Common. You'll notice that I won't put his most recent album on this blog. I don't really like it that much. I love old Common and I think that this year there have been a few artists who have gone a bit too mainstream. I won't mention any names...but I will mention one word - vocoder. :)

Make You Feel My Love - Adele
I love Adele. Her whole album is great. I particularly like this song for some sentimental reasons. I love that it's simple...piano and her voice...that's all you need. And the lyrics. Enough said.

Tie My Hands - Lil Wayne feat. Robin Thicke
I love Robin Thicke...a lot. It doesn't matter what he sings or who he sings with, he's so great. Lil Wayne is pretty good, too. :)

Double Pump - GirlTalk
I love GirlTalk. His first album was my soundtrack for my half marathon!!!!! This is the second album i've downloaded. I love every minute of it. But this song in particular makes me really happy. He might be trendy, but I do appreciate the songs he mixes in and out. It's fantastic.

I Love, You Love - John Legend
Now this is a love song. I could probably drink a bottle of wine and listen to this song on repeat....and cry for hours just because. This is a song worth buying. This song displays the best things about Legend's voice and his range. And the lyrics are pretty great, too.

Like You'll Never See Me Again - Alicia Keys
Another good love song. After you're sitting in your tears and a bit tipsy, put this song on and you'll cry yourself to sleep. The video is pretty great, too. Common has an appearance and you can't complain about that. Love those around you.

Seventeen Years - Ratatat
Another great computer working music album. This is one of my favorite songs. When it comes on, I'm ready to work and work hard.

In My Bed - Amy Winehouse
I love Amy. I pray for her when I think of her. She's an amazing artist...she's just in a lot of trouble. This is one of her older songs. You should check out the video...she looks great in it. Listen to around :56...man, makes you want to chill.

Her Heart - Anthony Hamilton
Hamilton's' newest album is a great buy. I love him so much. His lyrics are always deep, real and true. I appreciate the stories he tells. And in this song, he tells a story about true love. I love it so much. I was listening to this while working out and almost cried...okay, a tear or two was shed. Great album all together.

Enjoy.

merry christmas

we have a close knit family. i appreciate them more and more each day. because we are close, just four of us in the immediate family, we can sometimes tend to get on each other's nerves a bit easier. there are only so many people to absorb your bad or awkward mood. i've really enjoyed my time at home.

here are some of my highlights.
lunch with mom at a tea shoppe in lexington.
hot stone massage with mom (and my mom's suggestion i should get a massage each month, i'll try and pull that one off).
greeting jonathan at the airport.
spirited games of spades with the family.
our christmas tree.
jackson's snoring.
jackson's tradition of sharing my twin bed with me each night.
listening to my parents share their top 5 reasons they love the other.
asking my parents their favorite christmas memories.
working out.
seeing minuteman press' building in lexington (eek).
listening to anthony hamilton's album with family.
reading the story of Jesus' birth as told by St. Luke.
napping. a lot.
dvr. a lot.
helping my mom start a blog (stay tuned!!!)
knowing that kenley was opening some of my gifts under my christmas tree in omaha.
reading. a lot.
eating good food with the family.
reflecting on the years.
talking with my parents' about their lives as children growing up during the civil rights movement.
watching jackson eat his christmas gift in 30 minutes.
my new digital camera!!! i can take pictures again! 10 megapixels! i have a telescope ;)
watching a fireplace.
being away :)
celebrating Christ's birth with my family.

merry christmas.

great playlist

chris made a great playlist for 2008. i admit, i've been waiting to read it since he mentioned it. i think it's a great one. i need to figure out what i would put on mine. stay tuned.

vitamin D

i'm enjoying a lot of sunlight these days. i got into nashville on thursday and since then have seen such great sunlight since then.

i don't particularly like the christmas shopping experience. it's very materialistic and in times like these...it seems a little absurd. i decided that i would try and find some meaningful gifts for my family and wouldn't go overboard. i had to go to a particular shopping area in lexington...it's a large shopping strip with a movie theater, target, old navy, etc. i decided that i would not drive...i would park and just walk it. screw the cold, i want to get my vitamin d.

it was really interesting shopping this way. i had to slow down, a lot...and i noticed the utter mayhem that was playing out around me. i didn't see any christmas cheer. all i saw was chaos and stress. i decided to stop in old navy to see if they had some cold weather gear on sale...and when i walked in i had no idea that i was walking into a nightmare. i walked around...and left.

gross.

i really enjoyed walking outside, it's the most sunshine i've had in quite awhile. that made me happy.

i'm really happy enjoying time at home. i celebrated my high school bff's wedding. it was really fun and beautiful. and now i'm in my parents' home enjoying digital cable DVR and my dog, jackson. ahhh.

2008 in survey

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Trained and ran a half-marathon!

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did part of them...I wanted to run a half marathon and did. There are others I didn't achieve, but they are dynamic goals that aren't tied down to a certain year. I think next year will be great.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES! Congratulations to Clivey! and e'ryone else!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

5. What places did you visit?
New York, Sierra Leone, Tennessee, Lexington, Missouri...I'm going to count London, we walked outside of the airport for some fresh air, that was fun.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Hmm. A personal trainer for a year! I would love that!

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 30 - when Kenley moved to Omaha! May 31 - Daphne and Caleb got married! Hmm. May - visited Steph in Sierra Leone! March 1 - one of my favorite birthday celebrations! And when my car got flooded, I think i blocked that date out! And NOVEMBER 4th!

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
I think the half-marathon was really fun. Working on the redesign for WMF has been really fun. Oh, going to the doctor about my S.A.D.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not sticking to WW as diligently as I know I can. I haven't taken enough time to just be. And I haven't visited everyone I want to :(


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just SAD.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
??

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Lots of people. Seeing people turn out for the election was great. No matter who they voted for, I loved seeing people get passionate and educated about their country.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Bail out anyone?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent and groceries

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Visiting Steph! Celebrating the marriage of Daph and Caleb! And Ken's move to Omaha!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
So many! Lots of body attack songs.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter. getting back in the swing of things!
c) richer or poorer? poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Found some place to volunteer. Watch my food.

20. How did you spend Christmas last year?
With my family

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
More and more each day.

22. How many one-night stands?
really? no.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
30 Rock. Amazing Race. The Office. West Wing

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2008?
celebrated with elizabeth and brittany!!! Urban wine with friends. taco bell with mar and britt. and sleep.

25. What was the best book you read? SO many. simple spirituality was really good. david sedaris' was good, too. um. 19 minutes. so many!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
BON IVER!

27. What did you want and get?
?.

28. What did you want and not get?
Wii? i don't know.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
sex and the city was good. secret life of bees.

30. Did you make some new friends this year? I did! my girls! jess and mimi! and others! yeah!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not having my car flooded.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
keep it simple and real.

33. What kept you sane?
my friends

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
hmmm. i like obama.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election, obviously.

36. Who did you miss?
I hate that so many friends have moved away. Miss them all.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
so many. i've enjoyed meeting father ron!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
live in the present. and don't drive into the flood.

jara talks too much

i would dread parent-teacher conferences. it wasn't because i was a bad student; i dreaded these meetings because i knew what was going to be said.

jara is a good student, but she just talks too much.

thankfully i didn't outgrow my ambition to talk and share. i enjoy conversations and i enjoy participation. i never backed down. and i liked it.

i've noticed that in the past year i've tried to tone it down a little bit. i didn't want to hurt that person's feelings or maybe i didn't want to say it that way or i didn't want someone to take something the wrong way. i got so concerned about what other people thought that i actually lost what i was going to say. by the time i would think to say something, i would just end up apologizing for something. sometimes anything.

i think i was just apologizing for having an opinion. i don't think that i'm necessarily an outspoken person, but i do think that i like to speak up. i mean, maybe that's why i'm in advocacy. i can't be quiet. maybe as an elementary student i knew that if no one else said something, then no one would hear.

i've gotten in some interesting discussions about race on my blog and off of the blog. and i've always felt defeated in those discussions. the upmh in my gut i used to feel...i just haven't felt it in awhile. i've read some of my other favorite blogs: the field negro and a couple of other ones. something in the unapologetic writing resonates with where i am and where i struggle.

i invite open dialogues that are unapologetic. we get so tongue tied about everything we say, we don't say anything at all. that's not a discussion. i'm making my own amendment...the amendment to say what you think and ask questions and be open to dialogue.

anyway. that's just what i'm thinking. i'm sitting in the airport waiting for a hopefully on time flight :) to nashville. i'll be writing more soon.

translation

when i was in spanish class i would always have my dictionary with me. i learned a lot of vocabulary because i would look up every word i didn't know.

i need to practice my spanish, but i'm learning that i'm still trying to translate a lot.

when i try to explain certain things about my work to people i'm sometimes translating to translate to translate to translate something in particular.

and sometimes i'm translating to myself. i'm still trying to connect my cultural, gender and racial background with what i'm doing and who i am. i'm okay saying that there are marked differences in our backgrounds and experiences that influence how we hear messages and how we respond to those around us.

i think growing up and attending a primarily white church and then college didn't really help me try and figure out things as an african american. and there's not much that could help me figure out who i am as a woman.

i feel like i've found my way as a woman...more than before. i'm still on a journey, but i think that there are people who are leading the way well. i think that i'm still finding my way as an african american...especially one who serves in mission. i have some reading i still need to do, but i would love to meet with someone who has wrestled with being a minority in missions.

it's hard to articulate how difficult it can be, but it's something that accompanies me most days. maybe it's my heart for reconciliation and the lament that we're still not there anywhere not just missions.

so i guess we're in the art of translating and sharing stories. i wish there was a dictionary that could translate across all of these lines, maybe there is. who knows how we will do it, but if someone can figure it out, send me your answer.

just stopping by

i feel like we've lost the art of just stopping by. it was so easy to stop by someone's dorm room in college. if that person was gone, you could always stop by and visit someone else.

when marcia and brittany lived in dundee i would randomly stop by their place...and vice versa. it's harder as people are more planned out and less likely to be at home...but maybe that's just my perception.

i think in 2009 i will try a little bit harder to stop by your place. don't be scared. i have frequented the nehers home on random occassions...amazing race, chalk drawings and breakfast bagels.

so in 09. i will just stop by and say hi.

sipping tea

candy cane lane tea.

i'm sipping some tea. hopefully nursing myself back to health.

i woke up this morning with a body that apparently didn't want to fight this sickness anymore.

last week my throat was all scratchy...then it progressively got worse. and then. i woke up this morning with a swollen neck and a temperature of 100.4.

ouch.

should i have gotten the flu shot?

christmas traditions

i love the redeeming and hopeful aspect of holidays.

even if you are in a heated argument, there's usually space to leave those things at the door, embrace your friend and gather around a common celebration.

it's not like instant forgiveness. but it's a hopeful space that is surrounded by love.

we become a bit childlike around holidays and i love that.

today in the office we had our holiday party. we're all really tired. and you know what happens when you're tired...sometimes your patience, grace, love threshold is at its breaking limit.

and. you can't hide in community.

that's okay. i like that. you have to face it...all of it.

our holiday party made me happy. really happy. we had a crockpot vegetarian meal...which meant a lot to me. everyone knows that i'm a vegetarian and usually there's an alternative meal for me. but today it included me. i was so happy. then we had mulled wine. it's like warm sangria. holy moly. it is wonderful.

then we put the christmas tree up. watched some movies. laughed. did some gift exchanges. took lots of pictures.

and i'm just so happy.

my own business

i wonder if i should start my own business.
i realize that my coworkers think i'm finicky.
here's the list of things that i could do on my own.

• i sometimes fart. if i worked by myself i could fart without the fear of someone hearing or smelling the business.
• i like to nap. if i went to prayer, i could nap, but if i kept 'praying' for hours at a time in someone's office, i would be caught.
• i have a hard time focusing when there's a lot of background noise. if i worked on my own, i could turn up n'sync and feel okay about it.
• i sweat a lot. if i worked on my own, i could sit in a tank tap and shorts and be okay.

i need to iron out the details of what my own business would be. maybe i'll decorate gingerbread people during the holidays. or i could staple papers for people who don't have enough time. or maybe i'll take photobooth photos for people. the possibilities are endless.

happy day

i had a happy day today.
it's been a long couple of weeks. i went to the doctor on monday and have some clarity to why i haven't felt like myself.
daphne and i had a good conversation over coffee this morning. actually we had americanos.
i had a lot of almost crying moments.
i'm realizing that two of my closest and dearest friends will be gone next year.
so much will change next year.
it's a little intimidating. actually a lot intimidating.
but i think it will be okay.

i'm looking forward to this weekend. chris' birthday party will be fun. and then i have a holiday party to attend. i'm looking forward to celebrating with friends. makes me happy.

christmas traditions

i haven't done many christmas traditions since leaving home. when i lived with my family we would always decorate the tree after our thanksgiving meal. we would go through the ornaments and share the stories about them. it's always fun to put up the ornaments from our first christmases. i enjoy the parties, the excuses to wear funny sweaters, the evenings when we would do our advent reflection.

my family and i would always sing happy birthday to Jesus Christmas day and read the Christmas story in one of the gospels.

i appreciate the warmth that my family would provide during those times. it was bizarre the first christmas out of college. i didn't have the normal experience. mom sent me home with a little christmas tree one year and another year i got to have the christmas duck (it sang a song). i tried to incorporate little traditions into my home, but it was always a little hard on my own.

this year one of my friends is lending me her extra christmas tree. i was so excited. i plugged it in and it makes my apartment feel warm :). i'm going to spend the evening wrapping some gifts. i might try and see if kenley will make an ornament with me.

signs of love

Signs of love

This weekend Kenley and I sat on his couch and talked with his landlord, Glenn, for almost two hours. During that conversation Glenn shared that he had a bad week. We asked if it was going to improve; he said it was going to only get worse.

Then he said that his wife passed away last week. Her funeral was yesterday, Friday.

We listened to him briefly share about her last week. She had some complications to a heart surgery and passed away at 7 am last Saturday. He said he was numb; we offered him wine and pistachios. It wasn’t much, but we sat with him and let him ask questions about our relationship. It seemed a little surreal reflecting on our relationship while sitting with someone who had just lost his spouse of fifty five years.

I couldn’t help but look at the obituary on the internet. There were comments from Texas, California, Tennessee and Nebraska. I gathered from the comments that his wife was a gardener and a devote lover and protector of nature. She was generous with her love and listening ear.

My weekend continued to be interesting. I thought about Glenn’s stories and observed signs of love played out in different ways.

This morning I was watching an older couple have a bit of a discussion. I think they were probably in their 70’s.

Lady: Bill, you can use your blanket to wrap around your ankles to stay warm.

Bill: I told you to stop telling me about that.

Lady: You could’ve said it nicely.

Later…
Lady: It is drafty in here.

Bill: Loud audible sigh.

It cracked me up for some reason. Years of love later, they’re still figuring it out.

I’ve seen lots of signs of love this month.

- generous support of my friends, family and coworkers
- fun, spontaneous baby holding of clive
- fun, spontaneous watching of amazing race with Julie
- bonanza viewing with kenley
- grape throwing/catching contest with kenley
- random errands and meals with friends
- lots of laughter

Winter is not a friendly month…it doesn’t show me much love. But, I think that my friends and family do. They keep me warm and keep me covered with love.

birds of a feather flock together

i was reminded of this saying when reading an issue of GQ. i was struck by a particularly interesting article, "'will you be my black friend?' one (very) white man's quest to expand his horizons."

the author, plamen petkov, had an interesting idea. he decided to post an ad on craigslist. he was looking for a black friend. as he waits for a response, he does some research.

'human connection should be spread evenly over all of us like a lywer of peanut butter on toast. only what it really looks like is a ball of yarn: everyone within a social network, real or virtual, is more or less connected to one another. your friends tend to be friends with your friends, or they will soon. and most networks are not connected to each other. your ball of yarn is your ball of yarn, it is discrete, and once you are inside it, it's hard to get out. '

the article continues. he decides to use a flyer. he had received a response from both forms of advertising. i think the encounters ended up bing more like awkward first dates/blind dates.

he also brings up homophily. that means that people are likely to be friends with those who are similar to them...birds of a feather flock together.

the article is interesting. there are a lot of things to think about for me. he said that this project is a product of 'living in a tiny, overdeveloped culture where the signifiers are too specific and the sameness of our lives has made the tolerances almost too slight to measure. even among white folks, my shit is pretty specific. that monoculture, where i don't even have to finish my sentences because everyone already knows what i'm going to say, where we have slightly different conversations about the same movies and music and schools and neighborhoods and restaurants and types of people - it wasn't until i was out of it fo ra few mintues that i realized the oxygen deprivation that kind of scrutiny can bring on. i am sick of worrrying about my pepper mill. '

the author has some really good reflections in light of the president-elect. he challenges us to step out of our bubble. he reminds us that we are still struggling with race or this wouldn't be a conversation. he encourages us to meet different people.

i'm hopeful that we can begin to embrace change in our own lives and see a new reflection of God's creation in those we are around. it's the invitation to conversion.

a passport is now needed

...
to enter the advocacy annex. the advocacy annex is where daphne, mandy, marcia and i work. we laugh. we cry. we giggle. we talk.

this morning we were out of the office. while we were gone, some one took some items.

the items in question are an entire box of chocolate and a bag of nuts. these items were a part of a gift basket sent to us from our printer.

i got a little mad about it.

it reminded me of the days of college when someone would leave their pizza out and people would eat it...that person would be upset...they would explain that the certain place they left the pizza was not a common place.

so. now.i wrote an IM to marcia about what will happen next.

jara: the annex is CLOSED to outside visitors. you must show a passport now
a passport to fun.
marcia: it will be harder to enter the annex than the country of Brazil

needy

i needed attention as a child.
what things did you do as a child to get attention?

elementary:

• i fell down on purpose on a video tape (watched over thanksgiving, pretty funny, can't wait to get my hands on it)
• i wore a 'retainer' aka a paperclip. i wanted braces.
• i wanted a cast. i wanted to break my hand. i ran into walls. hard.
• i pretended i was famous at rest areas. it didn't work.
• my friend left her glasses at my house...i decided i needed glasses. so. i wore them. and refused to return t hem to her. then i did.
  

college:
i fell down to get a laugh.

some things never change.

favorite music

i'm listening to:
bon iver
nina simone
mindy smith (christmas album)
sufjan
girl talk

up too late

i'm heading to bed soon. my eyes are tired. my heart and soul are tired.

i miss being on vacation. carefree weekends are good for me.

i saw a creighton basketball game this evening with mimi. creighton won. by a lot. and i can't wait to go to more games. i love competitive sports, both participating and watching. basketball is great because you don't have to sit out in the cold :)

we made the mistake of both wearing red...we didn't know red would be the color of the opposing team. whoops.

we'll wear blue next time around.

uncontrollable laughter

my uncle brought out some old school video tapes of our family. i've never seen them!

there was one when i was around 6 or 7 and jonathan was around 4 or 5. i apparently loved the camera. even then i was pretending to fall down and hurt myself. such courage. such talent. i should've been an actress. i thought that it was fun to go around and say HEY DUUUUDE over and over for the camera. i'm not sure where i got that idea.

it was really fun to see me and my brother as little kids. it reminded me of the fun we had as little kids. even then i liked to interrupt him. he had the cutest laugh and voice. nothing like it. it was weird watching us though. it was like time travel. my grandfather was healthy and alive.

i am very thankful for my family. this might have been one of my favorite thanksgivings in awhile. i loved sharing a meal with uncles and aunts and my immediate family. we ate well and slept well. i'm not sure the last time i slept this much. i needed it.

and now i'm enjoying the afternoon with angela. i love love love this apartment. i'm tempted to move to stl solely based on this apartment. it's perfect. i've also seen a lot of the sun. and that's glorious.

alright. back to lollygagging.

love letters

last night kenley was going through some of his old stuff. as he started to dig through the pile, he started handing me things. he started handing me the letters i sent him 05-early 07. it was surreal seeing our relationship in writing. there were long letters, there were short letters. there was a letter from almost three years ago. there were receipts from his first visit here after i moved. it was a lot of fun reading about us.

i'm thankful for letters today.

outside

i love outside perspectives.
i enjoyed an amazing conversation with my spiritual director this morning.
she asks really good questions and offers really sound advice.
i thought that afterwards i'd have everything figured out, but that never happens.
i left with more questions. and i guess that's a good place to be in.

church

i found a church. three and a half years later. i found a church. it's been a long process. a really long process.

in the past three years i've grown and learned so much. well i guess even longer. the different places i've stopped at along the journey have been important for me. i've received fellowship. i've found contemplation. i've reflected on icons. i've clapped. i've sat. i've met. i've passed the peace.

and then i sort of stopped looking...things got crazy in may and i never got enough speed to continue looking or attending.

after some good conversations with friends and some investigation...the internet pointed me, marcia and brittany to a quaint episcopal congregation in south omaha. okay God pointed us there. :)

i'm so happy. i'm excited to continue learning about the episcopal traditions and the church's heart for their community. we're going to have coffee with the father after thanksgiving. it will be so fun.

:)

sugar

my friend jessica and i decided to break our sugar addiction.
she's gone almost three weeks. i'm working on my second week.
we're not doing it alone. we've gotten five others to join us.

so no sweets. no candy. no baked sweet goods. one slice of pumpkin pie is allowed at christmas and thanksgiving.

then we're heading to 09.

wooohoo.

my FRIENDS

i love my friends. for some reason i find it necessary for me to be uber protective of them. i don't know if it's because it took me so long to make friends outside of the office or if it's because i don't like to share.

i think other people could probably admit it. it's not something i'm proud of. it's something i'm honest about.

i think that i like having someone who i can complain to about whatever i want and they won't judge me.

i don't know.
just thoughts.

i've been challenged and have learned a lot through this. when i lived in memphis i hung out with the same circle of friends. when i went to asbury i hung out with a couple of different circles and then in high school i hung out with lots of different people. but then in elementary school it was a ton of different circles. i think i wrote in my journal about the different friends i had.

i sometimes wish that all of my friends were the same group. and sometimes i think that's a stupid wish.

but for now i'm happy. i have friends who have graciously shared their friends with me and encouraged me to find my own. three years, well three and a half, of awkwardly finding my way, i have some of the best guides in the world...and best friends in the world.

crying.

i cry. a lot.
and i usually sense people's sadness.
actually i'm pretty good at it.
i'm not the best at articulating it.

here are some examples.

to mandy:
are you crying?
mandy:
nothing.
jara:
notices she is crying.
do you need to be touched?

mandy's love language is touch.

jara:
awkwardly rubs her shoulders.

hm.

to marcia:
jara: are you going to cry?

marcia:
crying.

jara:
something about...do you need to be touched.

to liz:
jara: are you not crying?

liz: tears in her eyes.

jara: oh. you are crying. i can give you a hug.

i'd like to say that my heart is breaking for my friends and therefore my response is just out of shock. but i'm not sure. i carry my friends' sadnesses with me.

you should know that.

and each time God reminds me of you. i pray for you. and sometimes i'll even cry.

black coffee

i take my coffee black. i didn't used to like it that way.
i also take my tea plain. none of that sugar or milk stuff. give me the steeped stuff.

i used to also like the fake stuff. i'd throw some on oatmeal. i'd throw some on grapefruit.
i thought it tasted better.
it doesn't.

i prefer puckering my lips, gulping down coffee grounds. it's refreshing to me. it provides a stark difference to things that are artificially sweetened. i wonder who got to eat the first pineapple...what must it have tasted like. some sweet nectar of heaven.

i think my affection for unsweetened things is seen in relationships.

i can't stand fake, sugary, flowery stuff. there's a time and place for that.
on stage.
give me the bitter tasting tears.
they make relationships deep.
real.

and then when you get the sweet parts. they're so sweet. they're full of laughter. some sweet nectar of heaven.

sneezes

we have some serious sneezers in our office.

i'm known for trying to muffle mine. it doesn't work. i end up awkward and spitting on myself. that's embarrassing.

daphne and mandy usually have succession sneezes...one, two, three...sometimes six, seven, eight. they seem painful.

chris sneezes once and loudly. it also sounds painful.

brent sneezes loudly. so loudly. it kind of is surprising. it usually is, i'm scared when he sneezes.

marcia's sneezes aren't particularly memorable. neither are phileena's.

now i'm going to be listening for more variations of sneezes.

bless you.

december prayer letter

Dear friends and family,

I remember when I first began serving with Word Made Flesh. Fresh out of graduate school, I carried my idealism next to my heart. With hopeful eyes, I viewed the world with expectation. I held my breath, waiting for things to immediately change. I noticed that after my first trips to Southeast Asia, I couldn't add things up anymore. I was walking through the streets of a red-light district in India and questioning what I could do, if anything, to fix this.

That was my mind responding. But my heart knew what to do: be obedient.

In the past three and a half years I've shared with you stories about my friends overseas. I've told you about the women in the red-light district who have accepted the invitation to freedom and hope through their work at Sari Bari. I've introduced you to Noah Tullay who has devoted himself to serving his neighbors in Kroo Bay (Freetown, Sierra Leone). I've shared with you the stories of staff members whose lives, faith and actions point us to God.

Your life and story have intersected with not only my life but with the lives of my friends. In a time when we're watching the news and taking a pulse on our family's economic health, you have given consistently, generously and sacrificially. Your giving is a sign of restoring relationships in community.

Your giving has challenged my thinking and assumptions on giving and has pointed me to God. I do not take your giving for granted. Through generous one-time gifts and monthly support you all have given $23,039.97 ($26,482.74 with taxes and other deductions) on my behalf this year. You allowed me to continue serving here full-time, attend our Omaha community retreat, receive my salary and cover other expenses such as taxes and development/administrative costs.

Because my support account is almost negative, I need to ask you for help. I've decreased my salary for 2009 so my support account can catch up. Although my salary will be $1,950, I still need to raise around $2,500 each month to cover taxes and other costs and to bolster my support account.

How can you help?
If you are a monthly giver, I invite you to prayerfully consider increasing your giving by $5/month next year. That would allow me to raise about $100 more a month, which is $1,200 in a year!

If you are a one-time giver and considering giving to a non-profit this year, this is a great time to give a gift to WMF on my behalf.

If you've never given to WMF, I invite you to join me. I can't do this without your support. You'll find a response card in this letter. It is through the generous support of my supporters that I am able to serve in the capacity that I do and be obedient to the call that God has placed on my heart.

with love, js

P.S. You can double your gift towards WMF if the company you work for matches employees' charitable giving.

infinite

someone prayed for me this weekend.
i just know it.
i don't know the last time i laughed so hard.
felt so loved.
looked into the sky and felt as if i could fly.
maybe it was because i finally had some time off.

i saw my brother friday morning.
then i spent time with julie, her mama, finley and clive.
i'm disarmed around those kids.
if you know me, i'm a little anxious when it comes to kids. i feel like they know that i'm shaking on the inside...afraid that they'll know that i'm nervous around them.
there are a number of kids who disarm me. the way that elias remembers my name still blows my mind. the way elizabeth's voice sounds on the phone...the way she pronounces my name, stops me in my tracks. i could go on and on.

afterwards i spent time at the taj with brianna. we laughed a lot. i saw the guys from oxide. oh how i love them.

that evening was full of dancing and laughing. and a little bit of falling. oh liz. i think that dancing released something in me that's been missing. abandonment and pure joy. it was lovely.

then saturday. a bit of recovery. the gym. an eye appt. and spending time with julie and sarah landreth. that sarah girl makes me so happy. simple joy.

then that night...i don't know where to start. craft mafia. so fun. then juba with friends. the food took a little bit of time. but the conversation slowed things down. we enjoyed each other's company. and the people at juba took care of us. i wouldn't suggest the falafel sandwich...i think i want to try the lentil soup next time. anyway. they gave us a plate full of harrisa or falafel, not sure which one. this dessert was so sweet. it made my head hurt and my stomach swim.

and then today. i woke up with excitement. i was visiting a chuch with marcia and brittany. there aren't words to even articulate the excitement i still have. i've visited a number of churches in omaha and this is the first time that i felt at home in so many ways. the people seemed familiar, one woman does attend the Y with me, and the service seemed familiar. i sat with Jesus there. in the coffee and pastry time afterwards...the service beforehand...the conversations in the middle. the red door. i loved it. i even wore red shoes today. unintentionally.

AND then i went to lunch with my brother. then we saw a movie with brent. and now i'm resting before dinner with friends.

and i'm reading a really good leisure book. i need it.

could this post go on forever? probably. i should stop here though. concise later.

old movies

this week ken and i had an impromtu date night. we had sushi and watched dr. strangelove. that's one of his favorite movies; i'd never seen it. i thought it was a really good movie.

it reminded me of the times i was SO INTO watching old movies on amc. my mom got me a bit addicted. i love black and white movies with good acting. and i love old tv shows.

like my mom, i love alfred hitchcock, i love lucy, guess who's coming to dinner. the typical ones.

mom and i loved watching the wizard of oz (which i'm watching now) and the parent trap.

i love the nostalgia that this movie brings me. the excitement i got of participating in something my mom loved watching as a child...and then sharing that experience together.

hi blog

hi blog. i've missed you.

a lot.

i'm enjoying a day off. finally.

and i don't know what to say.

last week was long and taxing. i'm glad it's over. i had some moments...i left gym class early to cry in the bathroom. then i couldn't gather myself while crying while talking to kenley.

last week was a time i realized, at a new level, the fragility of so many things. i don't always acknowledge the weight of the work that wmf does. (ofcourse not just wmf but other non-profits serving the world's most vulnerable).

this lament caught me off guard. i was sensitive and exhausted with no buffer to absorb anything of emotion...happy or sad. i just wanted to cry. and i did. the tears were cleansing and surprising.

this week is a bit better. and today i'm looking forward to enjoying the weekend with friends.

hanging with julie and the neher boys. dancing with friends. working out. hanging with julie and sarah. maybe a christmas craft show. visiting a church on sunday :) yes. and resting.

election day 2008

i tossed and turned last night. i fell asleep wondering if it really had happened. i woke up and thought that it must have been a dream. had i really sat in a room with some of my closest friends and watch one of the most historical elections in our lifetime?

yes, i turned on the tv to assure myself.

i pinched myself and i was awake.

yesterday morning i decided to walk to my voting poll. i thought about driving but i thought that i wanted to savor the moment and reflect. i wanted to get away from npr, facebook, cnn and every other website that seemed to infiltrate my thoughts. i wanted to think for myself. i was sure of who i was voting for. i just wanted to think.

i thought back to jack and dolores brooks, my mom's parents. and i thought back to jesse sturdivant, my dad's dad. i thought back to my dad's mom, whom i've never met. and i thought about the fact that my parents were born in a time when they weren't treated equally because of the color of their skin.

so i walked and pondered the sacrifices of my family. i looked at my skin. my voting decision wasn't based simply on emotion, but it was complemented by the fact that this is historic and personal for all of us.

i stood in line and got nervous. i had the chills. and i couldn't believe that this was actually happening. i voted. and i left. and i walked home.

later that evening i watched the results with some of my closest friends. it didn't matter who we had voted for, we were simply enjoying the evening. again. within our parents' lifetimes, there were some who couldn't vote because of the color of their skin. that struck me. i sat, with my biracial boyfriend, my egyptian sister, my black brother, my mexican sister...friends who represent different faith traditions and we watched in unity as the votes came in.

we held our breath and then saw mccain concede. and then let it loose when obama spoke.

i don't really care what your political affiliation is. i really don't. this election has brought out the dirtiest and ugliest parts of my friends and your friends. i see it on facebook, i see it in blogs. it leaves a disgusting taste in my mouth. we've become a bitter, elitist, holier-than-thou group of people who can't seem to consider that we may not always be right.

this isn't an 'i told you so' blog. this is it's going to be okay blog.

we have a bi-racial, multi-national president in office. he represents so many aspects of our society on a basic level. he is black and he is white. united.

and we woke up and we are okay. like obama said...it is not about who we elected. it is what we do now.

good morning america. good morning.

this girl has my heart

my bff crocker wrote this and i love her.

The thing that has bothered me most about this particular election is the hate-filled fire of evangelical Christians towards Barack [they would take the time to say "Hussein"] Obama. Someone at church ACTUALLY told me that Obama is a Muslim terrorist ["i have the videos to prove it."] and that this election was not about issues but spiritual warfare.

Everytime someone says that they are "afraid of Barack Hussein Obama," I cringe. Maybe it's because many of those I count as friends are African-American or of mixed race. Maybe it's because my best friend is African-American. Maybe it's because my boyfriend [my heart] is African-American. [sorry for calling you guys out] But to me, to say that Obama "scares" them smacks more of racism than genuine concern for policy and politics.

The fact that so-called Christians would perpetuate such beliefs, innuendo and rumor is one of the reasons so many people despise Christianity [holier-than-thou attitudes aside].

Vote however you want.

Vote on issues [not just ONE ---- there are more than one].

But realize that the things you say do reflect on the Christian community as a whole.


****I'm done with debating the issues in this election as I have already cast my ballot, so please don't make this a forum for further debate.*****

things that make me happy

mandy makes me happy. she humors me.
today she taped a box for me. i cannot stand the sound of tape.
at all.
i don't like touching it. i don't like hearing it RIP RIP RIP apart.
i hate when it gets stuck on my fingers and then decides to tape itself to itself.
i hate it.

and mandy helped me.
thank goodness.

election day

this morning i heard the funniest quote ever. as i was getting ready for a pilates class, a regular, john, began talking about a coworker.

this coworker listens to a particularly conservative talkshow host. his name rhymes with dush bimbaugh. his coworker told john that he was upset with his wife because she decided to vote for obama.

and john laughed. and couldn't believe it. he then said.

he shouldn't take it personally. it's not like his name and barack's names were both on the ballot and she picked him over her husband. no, she can choose however she wants to choose.

i loved it. it's going to be okay everyone. read this interesting article on a friend's facebook.

happy voting.

today

i picked up a red leaf because it was beautiful. i'm a lover of colors. they evoke emotion in me. just like good music. i'll look at this leaf when it's cold outside. and when i don't see any color. and it will remind me of this day. nov. 3 when it was warm outside.

i also had a random dance party with mandy. music makes me want to move my feet.

i also had a random dance off with kenley. he won. i lost because i broke a rule. whoops.

crock pot sundays

i want to eat more natural food. it's easy for me to fall back on my faithful companions of processed, frozen food. it's a discipline for me to plan out my week to include more fresh vegetables, fruits, grains and other products. so this is my second sunday of cranking up my crock pot for my week's worth of meals (at least for lunch).

last week i made that lovely swiss chard, black bean and butternut squash chili. it was a hit. i loved it. this week i'm venturing out and doing a little weight watcher's recipe - slow cooker lasagna. i'll have some sauteed spinach and feta on the side. it will be so great!

right now i'm watching MR. T on an informercial for the flavorwave. times are tough apparently. i wonder if you could determine how the economy is doing by watching informercials and who they have as their special guests.

sweaty palms

my anxiousness usually finds me in my dreams. sometimes i dream about the cry. sometimes i dream about money. but last night i dreamt about the elections.

so this morning when i woke up, i turned the television on and saw three political ads back to back. then meet the press.

my stomach literally dropped. it could be because i need to poop. but i'd like to think that i'm a little anxious about the election.

but what i'm realizing is that i'm not anxious at all about the candidates. really. i'm not. i prefer one to the other. i feel confident in my decision. i don't feel like i need to defend it. and i really don't feel like i need to badger someone else to change their decision. (i did do that two a couple of close friends). but i think that they know it's out of love :). but really though. they weren't heated conversations.

what i'm anxious about is how this election has brought out the worst of both parties. i am a bit biased and tend to feel that there's a particular party who has taken their fight a little too far. but i admit, i'm biased. it saddens me that people have gotten so caught up in their side. that's the problem...their side. there's no talk about our side, our country or our problems...or solutions. it's our party's side, country, solutions, numbers, electoral votes. if you're not THEIR side, you're on the wrong side and it becomes political, spiritual and personal. i look at my friends in a different light when they send me THOSE emails...my palms are sweaty when i see a particularly obnoxious blog comment. and i ask...who are you? who are these people? i had no idea that it would come down to this.

anyway. i'm happy because the time changed. im happy because it is beautiful outside.

live blogging: halloween

today daphne and i were driving and saw a man dressed up as uncle sam or something.

i looked at him.

then i said. oh halloween.

i then began to describe his thought process.

he laid out his clothes the night before.
then thought. perfect. this will be a hit in the office.
then he got to the office and someone asked...hey run to the bank.
and he thought. uh. shit.
and he walked downtown in his outfit.
pissed.

live blogging: unrealistic

i'm a nut. i work myself into these panics about using the bathroom. on long airline flights i HAVE to be on the aisle in case i have to pee. i just HAVE to be.

when i land in a different country i find the first bathroom...even if i don't have to go, i try really hard. i have bathroom anxiety.

but now i'm holding it. i know i know it's not healthy. i will go. but i'm nervous. in an office with three other guys who use both the women and men bathroom...i'm nervous. i'm nervous that they will hear me. maybe i'll accidently fart. or poop. and then i'll stink up the bathroom that is a mere 15 feet from their desks.

i don't want to be a bathroom disappointment.

live blogging: staring

i realize that i stare a lot. when i'm thinking i like to just stare and think. during our weekly prayer meetings i will usually stare outside. we have a beautiful view of the sky and buildings. i think i might look like i'm waiting for something or someone.

when i'm at my desk i end up staring at my computer which doesn't really help.

but here i can stare over my laptop and through some windows. this natural light helps me.

live blogging: vegetarian

two of the people here at oxide are vegetarians.

i've also learned they do not fight.

and they haven't before.

now they are pretending to fight and cry.

it's not working.

live blogging: life over on this side of omaha

i have the unique privilege to leave the office for the afternoon and work alongside some designers. i'm actually not working with them, i'm working on my own stuff while they work on their own stuff.

we're about to go on a field trip. our omaha office goes to ted and wally's, but we're going to bucky's. it's a local gas station over here.

i love working on WMF stuff here. it makes me appreciate and miss my coworkers in a new way. i'm working on a prayer card for the community care center and it's really fun.

we just went to bucky's. i got a coke zero. yum.

things that make me chuckle, TOO

read!

things overheard at the office

- i love Amish people - michelle, receptionist

- i'm sorry i'm sitting on top of you - mandy, publications editor

- will you be wearing anything - mandy

- i'm getting out of the office - amanda, community care coordinator

- are there costumes that are inappropriate for the party - brent, dir. of admin

- do you think Bush speaks better in Spanish than in English - brent

- that's a double negative - mandy

i just love them

i love the ladies i work with so much. marcia, mandy and i needed some fresh air. we went to pick up some books that came in and then we got a little sweet treat.

there's this interesting building we always pass. today i finally remembered the website address.

it's a house in omaha that is now used for events. it's very interesting.

sudanese and mediterranean restaurant

kenley and i went to juba restaurant tonight. it's a lovely sudanese and mediterranean restaurant on saddlecreek. it's right near cuming. i had the vegetarian platter full of salad, hummus and babah ganoush. i didn't get the falafel though. they were out of it :(. kenley got kaftah kabob. we were both very happy with our choices. it was an affordable meal that included fresh ingredients.

juba
1102 NW Radial Hwy
Omaha, NE 68132
(402) 553-5686

yummy easy chili

my friends made this yummy chili for me and kenley one evening. she served this with some cornbread. it was delicious. i didn't have time to wait for all these things to cook so i threw them in my hand-me-down crock pot and now i have lunch for the week!

BLACK BEAN CHILI WITH BUTTERNUT SQUASH AND SWISS CHARD

Top with chopped fresh cilantro, red onions, sour cream (or whole milk yogurt) and grated cheddar cheese, if you like.


2 tablespoons olive oil
2 1/2 cups chopped onions
3 garlic cloves, chopped
2 1/2 cups 1/2-inch pieces peeled butternut squash
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons ground cumin (i usually add a full 2 Tb. ... I love cumin.)
(2 Tb. corriander - see 'my notes' below)
3 15-ounce cans black beans, rinsed, drained
2 1/2 cups vegetable broth
1 14 1/2-ounce can diced tomatoes in juice (I usually use 3 cans of tomatoes)
3 cups (packed) coarsely chopped Swiss chard leaves (from 1 small bunch) preparation

Heat oil in heavy large pot over medium-high heat. Add onions and garlic; sauté until tender and golden, about 9 minutes. Add squash; stir 2 minutes. Stir in chili powder and cumin. Stir in beans, broth, and tomatoes with juices; bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer, uncovered, until squash is tender, about 15 minutes. Stir in chard; simmer until chard is tender but still bright green, about 4 minutes longer. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Ladle chili into bowls and serve.

My notes: Add an extra can or two of tomatoes or add one extra can and some tomato paste. Add a jalapeno or two. Add coriander to the spices. Add extra cumin and chili powder.

quirks

i learned a lot about my coworkers and friends this week. we had a lighthearted conversation about our quirks. a lot of people know my issues with seating. i love sitting in the same seat. this was something i came to love growing up in my house. i learned that you always sit in the same seat. for some reason it brings me comfort.

this week i walked into staff meeting and saw someone's stuff at my spot. i moved it across the table.

the other thing i like to do is to put my food in the same compartment every day. it's the crisper/vegetable drawer on the right. i don't know why i like it. but i like it.

i also don't like the sound of packing tape. it feels like someone is using a cheese grater on my brain. ouch. i don't enjoy touching tape either. if my hands could suffocate they would suffocate because of tape.

i also don't like when my socks aren't straight or even. i feel like my toes could suffocate. i also don't like when my shoes aren't tied the same degree of tightness. i know. weird.

today when i got home i also realized i have some funny quirks at home. i have a red fly swatter. i hate hate hate hate bugs. this fly swatter has kept me a good two extra feet from bugs. this evening i saw a moth. and i jumped. and ran for my swatter. and yes, this week i called my brother to kill a bug. i decided that i shouldn't call him again. i don't think he liked it.

i also love reading when i go to bed. i think that summers are when i forget to read. i'm out running around or something. when i'm too cold and the heat isn't on in my place i curl up in my bed and read. i'm currently reading a borrowed david sedaris book. i love it.

the other thing i realized is that i do not like klondike bars. i saw a commercial for them tonight and remembered how much i enjoyed them as a kid. and then thought, that's gross. i'd much rather have QUIT YOUR JOB AND EAT CHOCOLATE icecream from ted and wallys.

and lastly. i don't know the last time i laughed so much with my friends at work. really don't remember. i hugged brent several times for the fun that he brought to the office. i laughed so hard with mandy and her dance. i cradled marcia's face and told her i wanted to adopt it. we learned what a goiter is. ask me if you want to know. marcia and i yelled to silas as he walked to the bus stop. amanda humored me when i asked her how the booze cruise was. michelle showed me the way to a bookstore way out west and laughed with me. cesia practiced spanish with me. jose got his strawberry icecream. annie humored me when i initiated her into the sarcasm university with a jara emphasis. paul got to meet ted and wally. and i got to work with these people.

i guess my other quirk is that i lack good transitions when writing blogs.

goodnight?

scruffy face

when i would leave grandma and grandpa brooks' house, i would kiss both of them goodbye on their cheeks. my grandfather's would always be a little scruffy. maybe recently shaven. maybe not. it was familiar.

i loved spending time with my grandparents. i grew up in anderson, indiana. i spent the first six years of my life close to my mother's side of the family. i'm not really sure how far my grandparents lived to us, but the ride to their house always seemed so long.

we would leave anderson and take the interstate...then we'd take the exit for pendleton. and we would start hitting the comfortable hills of indiana country. corn fields to the right or left. houses scattered between. few stop signs. and tobacco fields.

grandma and grandpa's house was on the left. my great grandmother's house was beside theirs. and ward and his wife lived across the street. gray gravel and a carport. trees and flowers in the front. in the back you'd find the well and jack, their outside dog.

inside. warmth. a deep freezer. a fridge. and kitchen. and their inside dog, tippy. it was a modest house. it was the house where my mom and her three siblings were raised.

i remember the smell of their house. i always wanted to take it with me. maybe it was the smell of history mixed with the years of tobacco smoking of my grandmother. maybe it was the smell of long summer nights. who knows.

grandpa brooks loved jazz music. he was generous and funny. he loved coffee. and he would take my brother and i on walks through the country to collect buckeyes. he had a contagious laugh.

grandma brooks was delicate and beautiful. and i think she had to be feisty. she had soft skin and hair. and she loved coffee. she would let me drink buttermilk.

when we spent time there and had a meal, i would usually find a seat where i could look outside. they had a bird feeder. i would watch finches come and go. and i would see cars go by and hear their greeting, a honk.

time seems to go by slower in the country. seems less hurried. there was no massive cable selection. no internet or computers. just miles and miles of fields. trees. and places to explore.

weekend

it's saturday. and i'm enjoying my weekend. i woke up early to hit the gym. got home. cleaned a little bit.

this week was long but i don't think it was that long. i talked with daphne about my tiredness and after our conversation i just thought about it...was the week that long or was i dreading a weekend.

what?

dreading a weekend. i'm a lover of weekends but i looked at my calendar and realized that for the past two months i've had each weekend planned out. i don't have any days when i'm not following some type of time schedule. it was a running schedule for awhile...housesitting...work events...events...and i was planned. i didn't mind it but i hadn't had a weekend or a moment when all i did was read or nap or watch tv or sit.

and that's what i'm doing. i brewed some coffee. i'll hang over at kenley's some with a borrowed david sedaris book (i just finished the latest jhumpa lahiri book - unaccustomed earth) and a lot of new magazines. i might hang out at starbucks. who knows. i don't have it planned. and i'm so ready.

mmmm.

i feel like i'm settling back into myself again. the past six months have flown by...and i never really felt like myself. i went to sierra leone, returned and then thing after thing came. and i lost my footing.

training for the half marathon gave me a bit of schedule to cling onto during some of the crazy times. after my car got flooded...i began getting ready for kenley to move to omaha...and then my brother to move here. kenley and jonathan, my brother, moved to omaha within a week of each other. yes. stressful.

and i'm FINALLY getting back in the swing of things.

i'm becoming friends with weight watchers again. this past weekend we had the guys from TWLOHA share at beggars society. they are an outreach geared towards teenagers and those who are struggling with self-injury, addiction, suicide and depression.

To Write Love on Her Arms began in Orlando, FL in February 2006 as a (written) story, the true story of five days spent with a friend who was denied entry into a drug treatment center. The story was a look at those five days, and the t-shirts were printed and sold initially as a way to pay for our friend's treatment.

As Jamie shared the story about their friend who was denied treatment someone asked how she was currently doing. He mentioned that she acknowledges that this is a struggle that she is met with and deals with everyday.

I let that sit with me for a couple of days.

Last week we heard from Sharif Liwaru. He is the director of the Malcolm X Foundation in Omaha. Sharif shared with us about his faith. Hearing about his journey as a Muslim was beautiful and enlightening. I have friends who are Muslim but I have to admit I don't ask much about their faith. During his discussion he reflected on Ramadan. Sharif shared about the choices he would make during this time of fasting. As people around him would eat or offer him food, he remained committed to his fast, joining in with millions of others in prayer, humility and fasting. A choice and commitment, a stand that is personal between God and him, no one else. I'm sure that wasn't the best summary...but...

I let that sit with me for a couple of days, too.

Living well and living whole is a decision and a choice that I have to make with each step, with each bite, with each run, with each day. A commitment to honor my body, God's temple, every.day.and.every.meal.

So this week I had a breaking point. I'm not my brother, who has an incredible metabolism. I'm not Jenny Craig who has to have packaged food to determine my choices. I'm Jara Sturdivant who has to make daily efforts to commit to health...with each meal, with each trip to the gym.

I feel a lot better these days. I'm back in the gym in my normal classes. I'm back to being friendly with my points. And I'm realizing that it took me 20 some years to get here...changing everything won't happen overnight. But I'll just take it a day at a time. :)

I see a little more junk in my trunk and I'm okay with that. After three months of running, I am proud of my buns of steal :) Just watch out, my next goal is to be a push up fanatic :) Anyone want to have a push up contest?

xo.

a running tab

my mind runs. all of the time. i'm keeping tabs on things i should do and shouldn't do...things you should and shouldn't do...who i owe and what and how much.

this weekend i spent some time with a friend in south omaha. as we got our wallets out, i said, i have this one. she resisted and then i assured her, no, you got taco bell last time.

friend: you're keeping a tab??

me: no no. i'm not. i just remember.

friend: we're friends, you don't have to keep a tab.

eek. i've gotten so used to remembering who i've given airport rides to in the morning and who i can ask next. my tabs have taken the generosity out of friendship. i take people's gifts towards me as repayment or as an invitation for me to repay them.

OH NO.

sweaty palms mean realization. i told this story to some friends. others understood and agreed with it. there are healthy ways of setting boundaries so friendships are reciprocal and not just a give-give or take-take relationships. but i'm learning to receive love from friends because it's love.

love is beautiful when there's no repayment, tab involved. when it's simply love, acts of love, it's freeing. and there's no tab. it's endless.

but if i do owe someone a ride to the airport let me know.
kidding.
let's have a year of jubilee.

why i vote

the last time i participated in a presidential election i reluctantly voted for george bush. i say reluctantly because i wrestled with voting between two candidates i didn't particularly like. i wanted to write someone in and i wanted to just not vote. my friends rallied aka bullied me into voting.

i regret my vote. partly.

i had to vote because in some of our parents' lifetimes some of our family didn't have the right to vote. i don't take this opportunity lightly or for granted.

so it's a month away from our presidential election and i know who i am voting for. i live in omaha, nebraska, and the news has reported that our state and city could be incredibly influential to how the election plays out.

after watching the vice presidential debate i knew even more why i was voting for obama-biden. i'm not completely won over by everything they say but i have a really sour taste when i think about considering mccain palin.

i could easily go into all of the bad things that could happen with either candidate, but i don't want to do that. i'm a pessimist and that's usually my normal route. but i am hopeful.

i am hopeful because no matter who is elected president it is our responsibility to participate in our government's role in the world. i recently read an article that reminded the readers that it is actually pretty damn important for us to pay very close attention, if not closer, attention to our local politicians. our city, county and state. these are the people who could possibly affect change in our backyards. we're all rallying around what presidential candidate can beat the other when we really should educate ourselves on some of our local leaders.

but again. it is our responsibility to speak up to our government. yeah. i'm sure that i won't agree with everything our elected officials will do...but if i don't say anything about it...then really who can i point the finger at. i've written lots of letters and emails to politians and officials. i have several letters from the white house. i have a couple of hand signed letters from chuck hagel.

we can't expect the new president to fix everything that has gone wrong. we'll only be disappointed. i think that it is a great time for us to participate in the election process and stand beside the people who fought for women and minorities to have the opportunity to vote. but i think it's even better for us to stop bitching about what so and so won't or will do and for us to slowly close our mouths...and think. what can i do to help this problem today...or this person...today. so when i cast my vote on nov. 4, i will be responsible with my vote and communicate with whoever gets elected because all my bitching and moaning on this side won't do a thing.

from heather goertzen's blog:

My husband Wes is a big fan of the “log in your own eye” practice. Whenever I get riled, and I do get riled, he is faithful to always bring us back to the question (whether a personal or political, theological or social issue- and is any issue just one of the above?). What can we do differently? How can I love better? How can I be more faithful?

And so I wonder if now isn’t a good time. Before we cast our votes on election day. Before we know definitively whether our investments are worth anything anymore. In this in between time. When nothing seems certain. While our gods are looking a little vain, like maybe we were carving them out of thin air and didn’t recognize it. I think we’re being pressed toward national repentance, I do. And yet I can only see that movement rising once we’ve all first taken good looks internally. In ourselves, our families, our bank accounts, our spending, our credit card statements, the debts we haven’t forgiven others, the offenses we haven’t forgiven others, our beliefs about jubilee, the poor. The violent means we use to protect ourselves.

What can I do differently?

How can I love better?

How can I be more faithful?

And maybe once we’ve answered these for ourselves, we can extend them to the institutions we’re a part of- our marriages, our families, our neighborhoods, our businesses and ministries, our churches, our governmental associations.

sneaky blog

i'm writing a blog when i'm in a meeting.
i'm listening.
i just had to say funny things.

i ate an M and M and thought about if i pretended to use them as contacts.
ouch.

and i choked on water when i looked at someone's picture.
i was laughing. and choked. ouch.

no spending

http://smallnotebook.org/2008/07/01/july-is-no-spend-month-whats-it-about/

180 miles

i'm still up. i have a bit of a sick headache. i don't really want to take medicine, but i might in a bit. i'm up way too late.

i can't stop thinking about sunday. one of my goals this year was to run a half marathon. two and a half months ago i began training. and now i've run just around 167 miles...and on sunday i will run 13.1. one of my good friends here in omaha is running it with me. her name is rachelle. we've trained together on and off...enjoying each other's company and conversations.

this morning i left my headphones and ipod at home and took off on my last run before sunday. this run, a short little two-miler, took me through familiar roads in dundee. i dodged a low flying bird. i saw the morning city bunnies. i smelled breakfasts. i heard the conversations of birds discussing the traffic on dodge. i heard the crunch of newly fallen leaves celebrating the arrival of fall. and i reflected on the past two and a half months.

sunday will be the day. i want to finish around 2:40 without stopping.

left. right. left. right. it's on.
s

washing dishes. call to my mother.

my brother has been staying at my apartment for the past week while i've been housesitting for the alleys. i went over today to check my mail and check a couple of things and got sidelined by the kitchen. it wasn't a mess, but it wasn't great.

i saw some fruit flies...and then standing water...and then i saw an empty bottle of tea in the fridge...and then some cleaning spray in the fridge.

and i stopped what i was doing and got to work.

i cleaned the kitchen, getting angrier and angrier with each scrub. re-washing dishes, putting things in the right place. i would glance over my shoulder and look at the rest of my apartment. i made my way to my bedroom, made the bed, then went to the bathroom and took out the trash. my anger turned to sadness.

as i put my apartment back to place i remembered the past couple of times i've been home. i remembered my mom asking us to help put the christmas decorations up...i remembered my mom asking for help cooking, cleaning...and i remembered my response. if i helped, it was hesistantly and with complaining. i would point out that jonathan wasn't helping and that i didn't think it was fair. and if i didn't help, i felt angry and guilty.

so today i called my mom and i thanked her for all that she did and continues to do for our family. and then i apologized. in my heart ive been wrestling with my role as a woman...and this apology brought up so many different thoughts and feelings. i felt sad because i had in a sense put my mom a role that required her to give and give of herself. i remembered when my mom was going back to school to get an additional degree and we made fun of her. she already has her bachelors and she was going for her associates. i remember her pride when she had incredible grades and was on the dean's list. i had no idea. i still have no idea. i felt sad thinking about the ways that i didn't respect my mom or honor her. i felt sad because i would just say...oh your love language must be service that's why you always ask me to help. but no, she simply wanted help.

just because she's a woman, my mother does not mean that she likes to wash dishes...clean clothes...clean the house...cook meals...

etc.

so, my phone call was simple and quick. it doesn't represent the depth of respect, love and admiration i have for my mom. and it doesn't represent the mourning i have for what i (at the time unintentionally) did to not support my mom as a woman.

i hope that it does represent a moment in my life when i as a daughter do apologize to our mothers...and lament with our mothers and for women.

today i have a heavy heart. and i have a hopeful heart.

the weekend

it's the weekend. friday has arrived and embraced me with the arms of leisure, reflection, runs, exercise, friends and good weather.

my five senses: 30 second blog

today.
i SAW - a bird fall from an electrical wire after being electrocuted. (and it's the same location where i've seen two dead squirrels...hmm, faulty wiring or purposeful wiring by the church)
i FELT - the cool morning air on my run.
i HEARD - well am hearing great music brought to me by daphne. ratatat, beirut, the new sigor ros. yum.
i TASTED - a banana and oatmeal. banana was from my brother who lives here now.
i SMELLED - a portapotti. while driving back to the office i had my windows rolled down...and caught an extra strong whiff of bathroom by a construction site.

running : prayer letter style

Right. Left. My feet hit the pavement. Inhale. Inhale. Inhale. Exhale. Exhale. Right. Left. Right. Left. Breathe. I stretch my arms, trying to relax them; I’m running tense.

Lord have mercy. Names and stories float in my head as I speed past street corners. Burdens, victories, celebrations, gasps for air, weather - my constant running companions.

I imagine God looking down at me. I must look like a little ant, barely moving. I wonder, does God have a bird’s eye view of me? Watching me scramble up hills, crossing streets…

My thoughts trail off and I keep running.

Surrounded by God’s beauty and goodness. Trees full of leaves, rose bushes in full, sometimes surprisingly constant, bloom, clouds headed from storms, sun shining. No, God is here with me.

Lord have mercy. It’s been an hour and I’m still running. My thoughts travel to family members, to friends around the states, to our staff and those they serve among. I remember emails from friends about a sick loved one. Blogs outlining the tragic death of someone our staff serves among. Memories of prayers said around the table. Pictures of children I’ve met. Sadness I’ve carried.

Lord have mercy.

Those three words, this prayer, float around our office, our prayers, our thoughts, our homes, our cars, our runs, our walks.

I am learning to resist the urge to pray my solutions in situations. And I ask, I beg, I pray for mercy. I’m quiet. I hear my feet hit the pavement. My thoughts trail away from my running list of petitions and prayers. I release them at the feet of Jesus, knowing that He knows my prayers, I mean He’s already praying them, I just have to listen.

The past few months have been overwhelming. It’s been encouraging to receive your letters and emails letting me know that you all are praying for me. I’m finding more space to be, to read, to write. I’m finding myself again these days. I’m feeling much more caught up – even on sleep!

I am so thankful for your accompaniment in my life and in WMF. I can’t say it enough – we can’t do this without you. You are my companions.

You all lead me in ways of surrender, obedience, sacrifice, love. I’m following you, thank you for letting me watch your feet and try and keep up.

Right. Left. Right. Left.
love. jara

(a little secret bonus ☺ )
Because we write our prayer letters two weeks before the first of the month I haven’t actually run the half-marathon as of print. I’m two weeks away, well, actually, a week and six days. I finished my 9 mile run yesterday and my labored walk shows it. I look forward to telling you about it next month.

I’ve included some photos from some impromptu races I’ve scheduled with friends. I’m following a running program that includes a couple of races in the training. So, a friend and I (Rachelle – she’s in the picture with me on the end) scheduled some races – a 5k and a 10k. She will also be running the half marathon with me!

grumpy

i'm grumpy. i need to figure out how to put a positive spin on that term. i think that i voice my opinion when frustrated and sometimes it negatively affects my mood.

anyway. it's bee one of those days when it feels like someone has pulled everything from underneath me, then held it in front of me and then took it away and then held it front of me again and then took it away.

having kenley in omaha has been amazing. there aren't even words for it. i was at a dinner party tonight and looked over and saw him and thought, oh my goodness, he's right there.

i haven't had a chance to get used to kenley be here because my brother just moved to omaha today. if i write about it i will sound like a selfish bitch but i'd like to think of myself as an assertive woman who has finally figured out how to say what she means.

i was on the phone with my dad today and he told me that i need to be a good big sister and take care of my brother. and it just sat with me the wrong way. i've been trying to figure out what my responsibilities are as a sister....a daughter and a woman. is it my responsibility to drop what i'm doing to help my brother get adjusted? or is it my responsibility to let him learn and grow?

thoughts go in and out of my head about being a woman, sister and daughter. and they collide with my relationships. and i like it. i'm learning a lot about myself. and sometimes it's scary. it's scary to see a part of me i vaguely recognize....and it's fun to get reacquainted.

anyway. scrambled thoughts. bed.

my journey without meat

i became a vegetarian out of convenience as a 15 year old. i'd given up meat for lent over the years and though, hmph, i don't like red meat that much any way. and that choice turned into a lifestyle. i've had to explain and defend why i don't eat meat so many times it makes my head spin.

as a 15 yr. old i didn't have any good or particular reasons for why i didn't have meat. but as i've gotten older and have learned more, i do find that it is easier to explain. we in the states actually eat much more meat than we need. much more. and it's easy to say, oh i like meat, i can't give it up, it's so good...

but, consider this.

The worrisome news is that as the world economy grows, so does global meat consumption. The average person in the industrialized world eats more than 176 lb. of meat annually, compared with around 66 lb. consumed by the average resident of the developing world. As developing nations get richer, one of the first things citizens spend their extra income on is a more meat-rich diet. Whereas pork would once have been a rare luxury in China, today even the relatively poor in the country's cities can afford a little meat at almost every meal — so much so that pork imports to China rose more than 900% through the first four months of the year. In 2008, global meat production is expected to top 280 million tons, and that figure could nearly double by 2050. Producing all that meat will do more than just warm the world; it will also raise pressure on land resources....And of course, the human health impact of too much meat can be seen in everything from bloated waistlines in America to rising rates of cardiovascular disease in developing nations, where heart attacks were once as rare as a T-bone steak.

giving up meat, just once a week could make a difference!

It's true that giving up that average 176 lb. of meat a year is one of the greenest lifestyle changes you can make as an individual...The geophysicists Gidon Eschel and Pamela Martin have estimated that if every American reduced meat consumption by just 20%, the greenhouse gas savings would be the same as if we all switched from a normal sedan to a hybrid Prius.

these are interesting findings by various people. they are outlined by this article from TIME.

i know that we have the convenience of choices to limit what we eat, drive less/carpool, buy less....it really comes down to us being reminded that our choices affect those around the world and our planet.

childhood memories: 30 second blog

• i was terrified of quicksand. i mean terrified. even to this day i get a little nervous about it.
• i would cry during fire drills.
• i would inflict harm on myself by running into walls or other objects because i wanted to break my arm or knock my teeth out. (i wanted a cast and apparently a lot of attention)
  
• i remember when i had my first teeth fall out. i was swimming in a local pool and felt them in my mouth. i cried and asked my mom to put them back in; she didn't.

embarrassing moments as a child. 30 second blog.

• once i was going up for communion at the church i attended as a small child....once i returned to my seat, an older african american lady told me that my dress had been tucked into my pantyhose. that was a great time to tell me.
• i couldn't pronounce my R's correctly. gary turned into gawwy. hamburger turned into hambuwger. i couldn't pronounce jeremy - it turned into jawa-me...but i could pronounce jara. fascinating.
• i loved swinging. but i am one who also likes being motion sick. one sunday my dad took my brother and i to the park. i swang. then threw up in my dress. we went home that afternoon.

for real-ly real?

• i wonder why i liked klondike bars so much as a child. i saw a klondike bar commercial today and though, huh, that doesn't even look that good.
• i'm curious why i will still watch diary of a mad black woman after watching it a million times.
• and really. why does tbs play it so often.
• i love evenings around a meal.
• i'm so happy i was able to learn how to shuck corn with my boo.
• um. i'm SO thrilled that kenley lives less than a mile from me. YES. he moved here about 24 hours ago.
• my washer and dryer were moved from the wests' home and moved to kenley's. no more quarters.
• i managed to run 8 miles today. a year ago i would have never imagined i could run 8 miles without stopping.
• i love 3 day weekends. i mean. love them.
• i love taking photos. especially with other people's cameras. :)
• the magazine travel and leisure makes me smile.
• i do love the aux-plug in my car for my ipod.
• i'm so so so excited from this weekend. i'm looking forward to many more fun, full weekends ahead.

i certainly love...

• slow evenings over a meal and a shared hookah. laughing at jokes.
• when i use the sentence 'have you been drinking' in a conversation. and the answer is yes.
• strong cheese. and how it adds to a meal. gives it a punch. sass. depth. by itself it's just strong and a bit obnoxious.
• how friendships are strengthened through tears and laughter.
• good videography
• rediscovering childlike curiosity over a pile of dried, dead, blue iridescent bugs
• how tears sting my eyes
• how laughter hurts my belly
• how autumn makes the sky look different
• a finished run makes me feel
• quiet

things that make me laugh

- that there is secret bathroom etiquette. if you walk into the bathroom with one other person and there are three stalls, you take the one on the very right or left...and the other person doesn't take the middle....she goes to the very opposite.
- i cut my finger this week. and it hurt.
- i've watched fifteen minutes of tyler perry's house of payne and might have liked it.
- i yawned in spinning class. i'm REALLY tired.
- and i almost cried in spinning class. i'm REALLY tired and it was HARD.
- and i yelled in spinning class. that instructor is SO good.
- i must go to bed now so i can run in the morning.

the f word

somewhere down the line the word feminist became a bad word, sort of like fuck. it became the other f word. and when you said it, people would look at you with that look.

my lunch date said that while we were munching away at some delicious food at goldbergs. and i had to agree.

then she said something like this.
fuck yeah. i want women to have equal rights. i am a feminist.

and i had to agree even more.

fall fragrances

this week as i was walking to my car for work, i smelled some of the first signs of fall. my mornings are cooler and less humid. i hear the kiddos walking to the nearby school. i hear the birds, a little less frequently. the sun arrives a little later than usual.

i'm noticing it more because this summer i've spent a lot of time outside. i went to some public pools. i've been running outside. a lot.

after work today i decided i would run downtown. as i've increased my mileage i've had to become more creative in where i run. i can only do some many loops around memorial and elmwood. so today i ran downtown. i realized what is so cool about running is that i can see a lot of things around omaha. ive forgotten how close we are to some things in the city. i'm usually quick to get in my car and drive. but i miss so many things.

so today was a 4.5 mile run. i mapped out my run and thought wow, that's so far. i started at the office and made my way to abbot drive - gallup university campus. on my way there i saw con agra, i ran near the river, saw the finishing touches on the pedestrian bridge, saw some construction, ran near a pond. and then i started me return and i saw the most spectacular view of omaha. it was the skyline of omaha! i saw st. cecilia and our 'tall' buildings :). it was beautiful. and i was happy. i ran back and took a different route and went over a pedestrian bridge. and made it back to the office.

i got back and could actually admit. i do love running. i did dread the run all day. but after finishing this run, i was exhilarated. i was so happy that i didn't do the run inside on the treadmill.

that's it. i do love the sweet, initial signs of fall, one of my favorite seasons, and i hope that i can still enjoy nature and engage in what nature is just around the corner.