washing dishes. call to my mother.

my brother has been staying at my apartment for the past week while i've been housesitting for the alleys. i went over today to check my mail and check a couple of things and got sidelined by the kitchen. it wasn't a mess, but it wasn't great.

i saw some fruit flies...and then standing water...and then i saw an empty bottle of tea in the fridge...and then some cleaning spray in the fridge.

and i stopped what i was doing and got to work.

i cleaned the kitchen, getting angrier and angrier with each scrub. re-washing dishes, putting things in the right place. i would glance over my shoulder and look at the rest of my apartment. i made my way to my bedroom, made the bed, then went to the bathroom and took out the trash. my anger turned to sadness.

as i put my apartment back to place i remembered the past couple of times i've been home. i remembered my mom asking us to help put the christmas decorations up...i remembered my mom asking for help cooking, cleaning...and i remembered my response. if i helped, it was hesistantly and with complaining. i would point out that jonathan wasn't helping and that i didn't think it was fair. and if i didn't help, i felt angry and guilty.

so today i called my mom and i thanked her for all that she did and continues to do for our family. and then i apologized. in my heart ive been wrestling with my role as a woman...and this apology brought up so many different thoughts and feelings. i felt sad because i had in a sense put my mom a role that required her to give and give of herself. i remembered when my mom was going back to school to get an additional degree and we made fun of her. she already has her bachelors and she was going for her associates. i remember her pride when she had incredible grades and was on the dean's list. i had no idea. i still have no idea. i felt sad thinking about the ways that i didn't respect my mom or honor her. i felt sad because i would just say...oh your love language must be service that's why you always ask me to help. but no, she simply wanted help.

just because she's a woman, my mother does not mean that she likes to wash dishes...clean clothes...clean the house...cook meals...

etc.

so, my phone call was simple and quick. it doesn't represent the depth of respect, love and admiration i have for my mom. and it doesn't represent the mourning i have for what i (at the time unintentionally) did to not support my mom as a woman.

i hope that it does represent a moment in my life when i as a daughter do apologize to our mothers...and lament with our mothers and for women.

today i have a heavy heart. and i have a hopeful heart.