it's quiet in the office. i walked upstairs with a bowl of cereal.
then i walked, with purpose, to see if daphne was really gone.
apparently she is gone.
we're so excited to send her off on her sabbatical yet so sad to say goodbye.
it's bittersweet, mostly sweet, because i know she needs it.
and a little bitter because i'll miss her.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
surrounded by love
this morning as i was getting ready to have breakfast with marcia, i had this thought...k and i are so surrounded by love.
last week i wrote about figuring out how to truly receive love...and i think we're learning.
as we're planning this wedding, we've come across some of the most helpful people. we have so many people who are excited about our wedding that they actually might compete with our excitement! alright, they won't, but i'm just saying we have some excited folks.
k's friends at the joslyn are helping with the layout of the reception.
my bff jason is helping with our save the date cards.
drew at oxide is coming along for the invitation portion of our wedding.
jess is baking a lot of yummy cupcakes.
jess also volunteered her boyfriend's dj skills for the wedding.
we're getting some kick-a$$ photography from some dear friends.
our engagement photos will be done by three different people.
my hair is getting done for free by my hairdresser of four years.
we're so excited and excited to share in this with so many friends.
this past sunday at church, father ron's wife came up to me and held my hand and told me that she wants to throw us a couple's shower. i haven't thought a ton about showers, i'm not sure if i'm supposed to, ergh, am i? i don't think so. anyway, she proceeded to tell me how excited she was to open their home and throw a themed shower for us for a room that we needed things for.
she wrote me the following email and it totally made my day.
i'm in love with love today. and tomorrow. and forever.
last week i wrote about figuring out how to truly receive love...and i think we're learning.
as we're planning this wedding, we've come across some of the most helpful people. we have so many people who are excited about our wedding that they actually might compete with our excitement! alright, they won't, but i'm just saying we have some excited folks.
k's friends at the joslyn are helping with the layout of the reception.
my bff jason is helping with our save the date cards.
drew at oxide is coming along for the invitation portion of our wedding.
jess is baking a lot of yummy cupcakes.
jess also volunteered her boyfriend's dj skills for the wedding.
we're getting some kick-a$$ photography from some dear friends.
our engagement photos will be done by three different people.
my hair is getting done for free by my hairdresser of four years.
we're so excited and excited to share in this with so many friends.
this past sunday at church, father ron's wife came up to me and held my hand and told me that she wants to throw us a couple's shower. i haven't thought a ton about showers, i'm not sure if i'm supposed to, ergh, am i? i don't think so. anyway, she proceeded to tell me how excited she was to open their home and throw a themed shower for us for a room that we needed things for.
she wrote me the following email and it totally made my day.
We're so glad to be hosting your shower. I'm thinking a Saturday afternoon - dessert and coffee sort of thing. Does that sound like a good plan? You two pick the date and we will "play". Can't wait to get into mischief.
Love,
name
i'm in love with love today. and tomorrow. and forever.
Friday, May 22, 2009
state of my support account
a few things you should know.
1. i serve at word made flesh (www.wordmadeflesh.org) and we raise our full salaries.
2. support account = salary and other expenses.
3. my support account is negative - as you can see.
4. i need your support.
5. if you begin supporting me, i'll give you some sweet wmf gear.
6. i'm not a fundraiser, i just try...so humor and help me :)
7. thanks.
info here.
1. i serve at word made flesh (www.wordmadeflesh.org) and we raise our full salaries.
2. support account = salary and other expenses.
3. my support account is negative - as you can see.
4. i need your support.
5. if you begin supporting me, i'll give you some sweet wmf gear.
6. i'm not a fundraiser, i just try...so humor and help me :)
7. thanks.
info here.
when dreams become reality
i recently read that your dreams allow your subconscious to work through real and external threats or stresses...and so sleeping your 8 hours a night is supposed to give you the time and space needed to work through your stress and you'll wake up completely fine.
if it were so easy. this morning i woke up a bit late and had a pounding headache. as i stumbled around to wake up i started to remember my dreams. at one point i was fighting with liz about raisersedge being better than access for database management and fundraising. in my dream she told me to shut up. (i usually always remember the first time any friend tells me to shut up - this didn't count). then in my dream i proceeded to cry about everything that has and still stresses me out. wasn't i supposed to wake up feeling better? i didn't. when i finally woke up, i realized that those stresses are very close to me and very real...perhaps tangible. i sometimes think that if i try hard enough i might be able to touch them with my fingers. i feel the stress as soon as i try to close my eyes and sleep at night and i usually wade through it in the morning, feeling my way to the gym or to work.
on my recent annual work review, i think i was able to articulate that i'm an emotional person and that i will be emotional on the good and bad side. so i know this stress shouldn't be alarming...my emotions will soon be reflected on the flip side...in some sort of shrilly giggle and scream about something real fun and joyful.
but now i'm weepy. my friend and coworker is heading on sabbatical for 6 months. i'm getting married in less than that. i work hard. i still can't figure out how to raise my salary and can't go a day without thinking about it. i miss my friends who are all over the country and world.
so today i'm looking at my wall of love behind me...there are letters from friends around the world who have sent notes of encouragement and humor and love...and they make me smile.
if it were so easy. this morning i woke up a bit late and had a pounding headache. as i stumbled around to wake up i started to remember my dreams. at one point i was fighting with liz about raisersedge being better than access for database management and fundraising. in my dream she told me to shut up. (i usually always remember the first time any friend tells me to shut up - this didn't count). then in my dream i proceeded to cry about everything that has and still stresses me out. wasn't i supposed to wake up feeling better? i didn't. when i finally woke up, i realized that those stresses are very close to me and very real...perhaps tangible. i sometimes think that if i try hard enough i might be able to touch them with my fingers. i feel the stress as soon as i try to close my eyes and sleep at night and i usually wade through it in the morning, feeling my way to the gym or to work.
on my recent annual work review, i think i was able to articulate that i'm an emotional person and that i will be emotional on the good and bad side. so i know this stress shouldn't be alarming...my emotions will soon be reflected on the flip side...in some sort of shrilly giggle and scream about something real fun and joyful.
but now i'm weepy. my friend and coworker is heading on sabbatical for 6 months. i'm getting married in less than that. i work hard. i still can't figure out how to raise my salary and can't go a day without thinking about it. i miss my friends who are all over the country and world.
so today i'm looking at my wall of love behind me...there are letters from friends around the world who have sent notes of encouragement and humor and love...and they make me smile.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
gratitude
i think it's difficult to be truly grateful...well it's at least difficult for me. it's not that i'm not thankful, i just feel bad that i'm in the position to have to receive something.
a few things i've learned in this journey into gratitude.
...i raise my full salary. i have to ask for money and support from friends, family, friends of friends and friends of family. it can get uncomfortable. i thought that four years later i would get better at it, but i'm not. i just hate feeling that i'm an inconvenience.
so. this is what happens. someone gives something to me, i always feel like there are unspoken strings attached...like i need to do something in return. so i start to keep track of gifts...money loaned...drinks brought...food given. i anxiously hold onto these memories and every step of the way, i have to remember what that person did last and what i did last. it's exhausting.
last summer i tried to buy my friend noemi some juice while we were in south o. i told her that she bought something else last and she looked at me and said...why are you keeping track.
humbled. why was i keeping track?
as i've journeyed into love with kenley and relationship with others, i've learned that i dont' have to earn or prove that i'm worth of love. kenley and i had a disagreement one evening and we sat together talking post-fight...we sat and marveled at what love is. love is simply awesome. love between two people just blows my mind...God brings two people together who are completely unrelated and invites them into love. it is hard to allow yourself to be loved, it's humbling and requires you to be vulnerable.
so today i got to my desk and saw a card on my desk...it was a card from a coworker with a note and a gift. i was so blown away, i just had to keep going. i didn't know how to accept it. and i decided that i would write this blog as a way to process and maybe even invite you into what i'm learning about love and gratitude.
i'm loved. and so are you. even if you don't feel like it, you are loved. and if you need someone to tell you, i just did.
love. me.
a few things i've learned in this journey into gratitude.
...i raise my full salary. i have to ask for money and support from friends, family, friends of friends and friends of family. it can get uncomfortable. i thought that four years later i would get better at it, but i'm not. i just hate feeling that i'm an inconvenience.
so. this is what happens. someone gives something to me, i always feel like there are unspoken strings attached...like i need to do something in return. so i start to keep track of gifts...money loaned...drinks brought...food given. i anxiously hold onto these memories and every step of the way, i have to remember what that person did last and what i did last. it's exhausting.
last summer i tried to buy my friend noemi some juice while we were in south o. i told her that she bought something else last and she looked at me and said...why are you keeping track.
humbled. why was i keeping track?
as i've journeyed into love with kenley and relationship with others, i've learned that i dont' have to earn or prove that i'm worth of love. kenley and i had a disagreement one evening and we sat together talking post-fight...we sat and marveled at what love is. love is simply awesome. love between two people just blows my mind...God brings two people together who are completely unrelated and invites them into love. it is hard to allow yourself to be loved, it's humbling and requires you to be vulnerable.
so today i got to my desk and saw a card on my desk...it was a card from a coworker with a note and a gift. i was so blown away, i just had to keep going. i didn't know how to accept it. and i decided that i would write this blog as a way to process and maybe even invite you into what i'm learning about love and gratitude.
i'm loved. and so are you. even if you don't feel like it, you are loved. and if you need someone to tell you, i just did.
love. me.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
weather
i'm a lover of good, rich weather. this evening was a great example.
i love when the wind is just swift enough...
ah.
i love when the wind is just swift enough...
ah.
Monday, May 18, 2009
what do you do?
What I do. quick shot.
Read. Read read.
Email.
Design.
Read again.
Sometimes pick my nose.
Take photo booth pictures of myself.
Sit quietly.
Pray.
Read.
Email.
Figure out something about twitter.
Contemplate hiding under my desk.
Read some more.
Start my day.
Design for the cry.
Have designers block.
Contemplate crying.
Look at a designer magazine.
Read inspirational blogs.
Read staff prayer letters.
Read email about protecting the most vulnerable.
Consider what it means to fight for justice.
Look at my tattoo.
Freedom.
What does freedom mean for me?
What does freedom mean for you?
What does freedom mean for the poor?
Write something.
Check email.
Check email.
Write responses.
Look at the cry.
Have breakthrough and work hard on the cry.
Look at videos.
Figure out how to do videos.
Troubleshoot .docx documents.
Think about language.
Think about postcards.
Wedding. Oh I get married in six months.
Think. Think about the trash in my trash can.
Consider simplicity.
Return to email. Type email to department about a book discussion.
Check my posture.
Was I really sitting that low?
:)
the wmf gear giveaway is still going on! want free gear and want to help me raise my support? check it out.
Read. Read read.
Email.
Design.
Read again.
Sometimes pick my nose.
Take photo booth pictures of myself.
Sit quietly.
Pray.
Read.
Email.
Figure out something about twitter.
Contemplate hiding under my desk.
Read some more.
Start my day.
Design for the cry.
Have designers block.
Contemplate crying.
Look at a designer magazine.
Read inspirational blogs.
Read staff prayer letters.
Read email about protecting the most vulnerable.
Consider what it means to fight for justice.
Look at my tattoo.
Freedom.
What does freedom mean for me?
What does freedom mean for you?
What does freedom mean for the poor?
Write something.
Check email.
Check email.
Write responses.
Look at the cry.
Have breakthrough and work hard on the cry.
Look at videos.
Figure out how to do videos.
Troubleshoot .docx documents.
Think about language.
Think about postcards.
Wedding. Oh I get married in six months.
Think. Think about the trash in my trash can.
Consider simplicity.
Return to email. Type email to department about a book discussion.
Check my posture.
Was I really sitting that low?
:)
the wmf gear giveaway is still going on! want free gear and want to help me raise my support? check it out.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
an invitation
hello friends,
sorry i've been so MIA. i'm known to juggle too much in life...like most of us...and i'm in one of those places again.
what am i doing?
- planning a wedding with my best friend. it is really really fun.
- working, working, working....my faithful companion and coworker, daphne, is heading on a 6 month sabbatical in the next couple of weeks...i'm filling in as acting associate director. please pray for me...we've got a lot on our plates.
- raising support support support (read last blog if you haven't)
- exercising (i love omaha spring, it's gorgeous)
- trying to write..i have two letters waiting to get mailed on my desk...how i used to be better at timeliness and letters (my apologies)
- trying to stay connected with friends! i love my long distance and close friends...i'm trying to get better on staying up-to-date with my favorite people. if you're reading this, you're probably one of them, please dont' give up on me...just email me or call me :)
- writing another blog....this new blog is more focused. and it's wordpress. i love reading about wedding planning and what other real life people are doing. i thought i'd throw my one cent out...it's small and may not be really worth reading, but i wanted to have a place to talk wedding...
that's it.
love. js
sorry i've been so MIA. i'm known to juggle too much in life...like most of us...and i'm in one of those places again.
what am i doing?
- planning a wedding with my best friend. it is really really fun.
- working, working, working....my faithful companion and coworker, daphne, is heading on a 6 month sabbatical in the next couple of weeks...i'm filling in as acting associate director. please pray for me...we've got a lot on our plates.
- raising support support support (read last blog if you haven't)
- exercising (i love omaha spring, it's gorgeous)
- trying to write..i have two letters waiting to get mailed on my desk...how i used to be better at timeliness and letters (my apologies)
- trying to stay connected with friends! i love my long distance and close friends...i'm trying to get better on staying up-to-date with my favorite people. if you're reading this, you're probably one of them, please dont' give up on me...just email me or call me :)
- writing another blog....this new blog is more focused. and it's wordpress. i love reading about wedding planning and what other real life people are doing. i thought i'd throw my one cent out...it's small and may not be really worth reading, but i wanted to have a place to talk wedding...
that's it.
love. js
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
technology
this evening k and i decided to knock something else off of our to-do list...register. it's pretty simple. you get to figure out what you need for your new home...need...not want.
for some reason i always pick times that aren't always the greatest to register for things, listen to lots of talking and explanation of how to use the registry gun...what china is best, etc. this evening i was exhausted. i hadn't been home yet and felt like i could fall asleep immediately.
so when i finally did get home i was ready to crawl into bed. as i walked up the stairs i heard what i thought was an orchestra. i was mad. my downstairs neighbor is known for being musically loud...but i just saw him leave his apt. weird. as i continued up the stairs, i still heard the music and it was getting louder. wow, his music is so loud that i can hear it all the way in my apartment, how rude.
oh. my. goodness.
that noise is my apartment. i rush into my apartment to find my dvr/tivo AKA vcr recording LOST...while simultaneously playing the show in real time at the MAX volume.
oh.
no.
i'm sorry neighbors. is that why you left? you heard my orchestra? my bad. atleast we finished our registry.
for some reason i always pick times that aren't always the greatest to register for things, listen to lots of talking and explanation of how to use the registry gun...what china is best, etc. this evening i was exhausted. i hadn't been home yet and felt like i could fall asleep immediately.
so when i finally did get home i was ready to crawl into bed. as i walked up the stairs i heard what i thought was an orchestra. i was mad. my downstairs neighbor is known for being musically loud...but i just saw him leave his apt. weird. as i continued up the stairs, i still heard the music and it was getting louder. wow, his music is so loud that i can hear it all the way in my apartment, how rude.
oh. my. goodness.
that noise is my apartment. i rush into my apartment to find my dvr/tivo AKA vcr recording LOST...while simultaneously playing the show in real time at the MAX volume.
oh.
no.
i'm sorry neighbors. is that why you left? you heard my orchestra? my bad. atleast we finished our registry.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
want free wmf gear?
All right. 1) I love the new WMF gear (check it out here if you haven’t already). 2) I love giving gifts (hence the giveaway). 3) I also love serving at here at WMF (wordmadeflesh.org). And 4) to continue serving at WMF and receiving my salary, I need to increase my monthly funds.
So, now you have the first WMF gear giveaway campaign. There are four ways for you to get some sweet gear and help me raise my salary.
1) If you aren’t a monthly supporter and you join now (via Donatenow! or a download auto-deduct form) and commit to giving at least $20 a month for the next year, you’ll get a free tote bag.
2) If you are already a monthly giver and you increase your gift by $5 a month, you’ll get a free tote bag.
3) If you invite one of your friends to become a new monthly giver of $20 or more a year, you and your friend both get a free tote bag.
4) If you invite five or more of your friends to become monthly givers of $20 or more, you will get a free WMF hoodie.
$20 a month isn’t much. It may mean three fewer Starbucks runs a month … or maybe three fewer movies this month. But it’s beyond the money. This gift would allow me to continue supporting my community through service. It would allow me to continue publishing stories, pictures and videos that challenge us to consider how we are loving our friends who are poor.
I appreciate your gift and sacrifice, and I hope that this is the beginning of our shared story together as we consider what it means to help those who are poor around the world.
I hope this is chapter 1.
With love. jara
Giving Online Instructions:
- Giving online in this way is safe, secure and easy, and all gifts are tax-deductible.
- Instructions: Please use the “Designation” line to write Jara Sturdivant.
- Receipts: Receipts for gifts made by online gift will be sent to you via e-mail from Groundspring.org, not Word Made Flesh
Once you and/or your friends become monthly givers, send me your name and/or friends’ names, your giving method (online or snail mail) and expect your gift in the mail after the first month of giving.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
momma's day
it's mother's day.
i'm sitting in the airport waiting to board my flight to omaha.
i had one of the est weekends i've had in awhile. and i'm sad to leave.
i loved hanging out with my mom and dad. they are the best.
i'm sitting in the airport waiting to board my flight to omaha.
i had one of the est weekends i've had in awhile. and i'm sad to leave.
i loved hanging out with my mom and dad. they are the best.
my dog is snoring
my dog is snoring on the bed behind me. when i come to my parents' house i sleep in my bed with my huge golden retriever, jackson. i just returned home from a fun night hanging out with jason. he's one of my best friends from college. this august we will have known each other for ten years.
i've really enjoyed being at home this weekend. i managed to sleep in until 11 est this morning. i didn't mean to, but for some reason, sleeping in my childhood bed and listening to the lawnmower outside and the voices of children was really comforting.
i wasn't in a rush for anything. it's been awhile since i've felt like that. so i worked out.
then leisurely talked with my parents on their deck. it was amazing how beautiful it was this afternoon in lexington. it was so beautiful that we decided to grill out and eat outside for dinner. mom and i ran some errands. jason came over and we hung out. jackson got to go on a walk with me and dad. and now i'm sitting in my room with my clothes scattered around my room. i have to get up early to work out, do laundry and pack. i want to soak it all in, if i stay awake i wonder if that will make the sun slow its roll. doubt it.
tomorrow i'm returning to omaha. i'm excited to see kenley and have several weeks of not traveling. but i'm sad to leave lexington. i always feel safe and rested here. i love being in my parents' house...i always love being at home.
heading to bed.
i've really enjoyed being at home this weekend. i managed to sleep in until 11 est this morning. i didn't mean to, but for some reason, sleeping in my childhood bed and listening to the lawnmower outside and the voices of children was really comforting.
i wasn't in a rush for anything. it's been awhile since i've felt like that. so i worked out.
then leisurely talked with my parents on their deck. it was amazing how beautiful it was this afternoon in lexington. it was so beautiful that we decided to grill out and eat outside for dinner. mom and i ran some errands. jason came over and we hung out. jackson got to go on a walk with me and dad. and now i'm sitting in my room with my clothes scattered around my room. i have to get up early to work out, do laundry and pack. i want to soak it all in, if i stay awake i wonder if that will make the sun slow its roll. doubt it.
tomorrow i'm returning to omaha. i'm excited to see kenley and have several weeks of not traveling. but i'm sad to leave lexington. i always feel safe and rested here. i love being in my parents' house...i always love being at home.
heading to bed.
Friday, May 8, 2009
the lottery
today i want to win the lottery.
if i did i would do the following in this order:
change my phone numbers
change my email addresses
hire an accountant
pay off my credit card debt
put my support account in the positive
send a significant amount to my family
portion out regular giving to a few non profits (esp. wmf)
plan a real fun wedding
plan a fun honeymoon to thailand to see kenley's family
buy a spinning bike
that's it right now
if i did i would do the following in this order:
change my phone numbers
change my email addresses
hire an accountant
pay off my credit card debt
put my support account in the positive
send a significant amount to my family
portion out regular giving to a few non profits (esp. wmf)
plan a real fun wedding
plan a fun honeymoon to thailand to see kenley's family
buy a spinning bike
that's it right now
Thursday, May 7, 2009
things that make me giddy (in 30 seconds or less)
- that i woke up this morning without hitting snooze...at 4:15
- i went to a pilates class and saw kimberly!
- managed to clean my apt a bit and begin to pack
- LEXINGTON HERE I COME
- i get to see my bff jason and my family tomorrow
- i had my favorite breakfast at 11worth with liz (dry english muffin, two eggs)
- good conversation with liz in the morning! i love that girl.
- coming to the office and the sun is shining !
- CALDWELL HAS RETURNED!
- registering for items with kenley (note to self, don't do this on an empty stomach, you will be crabby jara)
- beautiful weather!
- DAPHNE'S BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW!
- using all caps
- art on tap at the joslyn TONIGHT
- using ALL caps for no reason :)
that's it. happy thursday to you!
- i went to a pilates class and saw kimberly!
- managed to clean my apt a bit and begin to pack
- LEXINGTON HERE I COME
- i get to see my bff jason and my family tomorrow
- i had my favorite breakfast at 11worth with liz (dry english muffin, two eggs)
- good conversation with liz in the morning! i love that girl.
- coming to the office and the sun is shining !
- CALDWELL HAS RETURNED!
- registering for items with kenley (note to self, don't do this on an empty stomach, you will be crabby jara)
- beautiful weather!
- DAPHNE'S BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW!
- using all caps
- art on tap at the joslyn TONIGHT
- using ALL caps for no reason :)
that's it. happy thursday to you!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
a card
yesterday i received my first engagement greeting card (i did receive one electronically from my pal brittany). i stopped by kenley's house to pick up some laundry and was in a hurry to go home. i just wanted to rest. i feel like things haven't stopped for awhile for me.
so as i was leaving kenley handed me a card with J written on the outside of it.
it was simple and thoughtful. i was so excited to have it! it's one of the first pieces i'm going to put in my wedding planning notebook. it will make me smile when i look at it.
so as i was leaving kenley handed me a card with J written on the outside of it.
it was simple and thoughtful. i was so excited to have it! it's one of the first pieces i'm going to put in my wedding planning notebook. it will make me smile when i look at it.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
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