gratitude

i think it's difficult to be truly grateful...well it's at least difficult for me. it's not that i'm not thankful, i just feel bad that i'm in the position to have to receive something.

a few things i've learned in this journey into gratitude.
...i raise my full salary. i have to ask for money and support from friends, family, friends of friends and friends of family. it can get uncomfortable. i thought that four years later i would get better at it, but i'm not. i just hate feeling that i'm an inconvenience.

so. this is what happens. someone gives something to me, i always feel like there are unspoken strings attached...like i need to do something in return. so i start to keep track of gifts...money loaned...drinks brought...food given. i anxiously hold onto these memories and every step of the way, i have to remember what that person did last and what i did last. it's exhausting.

last summer i tried to buy my friend noemi some juice while we were in south o. i told her that she bought something else last and she looked at me and said...why are you keeping track.

humbled. why was i keeping track?

as i've journeyed into love with kenley and relationship with others, i've learned that i dont' have to earn or prove that i'm worth of love. kenley and i had a disagreement one evening and we sat together talking post-fight...we sat and marveled at what love is. love is simply awesome. love between two people just blows my mind...God brings two people together who are completely unrelated and invites them into love. it is hard to allow yourself to be loved, it's humbling and requires you to be vulnerable.

so today i got to my desk and saw a card on my desk...it was a card from a coworker with a note and a gift. i was so blown away, i just had to keep going. i didn't know how to accept it. and i decided that i would write this blog as a way to process and maybe even invite you into what i'm learning about love and gratitude.

i'm loved. and so are you. even if you don't feel like it, you are loved. and if you need someone to tell you, i just did.

love. me.