day 2/21

after a little tiredness incident this morning (leaving a class early to sleep) i'm feeling a bit better. i couldn't tell if my tiredness is because of a cold i'm fighting or the cleanse. i'm happy to report that things are going well...and it's day 2 :).

it's been a struggle to stay present in the stress or different emotions going on around me. i have to figure out how not to let stress hold me or control me. it's amazing how conditioned our bodies are to deal with stress or high emotions the same ways over and over. for some it's drinking, for me, it's food.

that's it for today.

1/21

today is the first day that i'm doing a cleanse. marcia just finished it and i appreciated what she learned. i feel like i need clarity and peace. i feel like stress has permeated every part of my body and i don't like it. so i'm going to clean it out.

i'll do it for 21 days. and i think it's the perfect amount of time right before the wedding. i want to be present in these next weeks and feel like myself.

i'm hopeful.

cry fest 2009

i sat across from kenley in our house. i heard words coming out of my mouth. we were talking about conflict. it wasn't that big of a deal, but i couldn't figure out why i wanted to cry. i had returned from watching a movie and felt pretty good. when i was in the movie i had a moment of reflection and trying to figure out why i've felt so at odds with myself. and so across from kenley i began to bawl and explained that i was exhausted. wedding planning isn't stressful. it's been fun, but something else has stressed me out. i didn't realize that work was stressing me out that much. when i sat in the movie, i was thinking, what has changed in my life that has made me feel more stressed out. i thought that kenley moving here was stressful or maybe it was when we got engaged, but no, those events have been really fun and great. but handling stress at the workplace has been nonexistent. being at the retreat this past week reminded me of that.

so i sat with kenley and cried and cried. i couldn't believe that this stress had been so consuming that it managed to hover over wedding planning. that it had found its way into every part of my life and i don't like it. i didn't like that i couldn't move from the couch because i knew that it signaled the end of my weekend. and i didn't like that i was afraid of going to work because i finally figured out that it stresses me out.

kenley is my optimist and he reminded me that it will be okay. i dont' want stress, no matter where, to dictate what i do, what i eat, how i act. it's not who i am. and it's not going to make me.

i rest in the grace of God. i know God will keep me safe. and i know that God doesn't change.
prov. 3:5.

retreat

i loved the retreat. everything about it was what i needed. silence and solitude and tending to my soul. one of the things i'm learning about myself is courage. i havent' been guided by courage in my journey often. i'm usually following fear and anxiety. but i'm learning freedom and with freedom you have to have courage.

the journey to whole health isn't easy and it is scary. we're facing big things when we face our whole bodies: mind, body and soul. and it's alright. we're dynamic beings.

so, this week, i want to practice more silence and solitude in all of those aspects of my life...mind, body and soul. as i process more i'll write more :)

now don't you worry

i'll be back. off to a retreat tomorrow. should be good for my soul.
love. me

listening to my body

i've been trying to listen to my body/soul these days. when i get stressed out, i've had to stop and breathe deeply and slowly and listen closely to what's going on. what is God trying to tell me? what does it mean that my neck is cramped?

i don't always come out with an answer. but i know that i'm being present to waiting on the Holy Spirit.

quiet

i'm sitting in my temporary home. it's quiet and still. it's the first moment i've had to be still in a long time. i feel like i've been going going going going for awhile. i feel out of sorts a bit. before i moved my stuff here kenley thought that i was bringing too much stuff. i know i wasn't. i had packed my life into three boxes for the next month. i had everything i knew i needed. the little comment somehow put me into a terrible downward spiral. i took apart the boxes that i had carefully measured out and spent time putting together. i had pieces of 'home' that i knew i would need to get me through the next month. and all of a sudden i felt attacked and judged. i tearfully went through my clothes and repacked, poorly.

i arrived at home #1 shaken up. my life in boxes. and no home in sight. annemarie asked me how i was doing and i immediately broke down in tears. i had said goodbye to the one place that has provided me a safe home for the past four years. i didn't think that it would be this difficult. i'm home jilted. i know i didn't want to do this move a week before the wedding. now i just have to figure out how to navigate well these 34 some days when all i want to do is go home.

oh goodbye apt. 5

apt. 5 is so bare. it's nice to see that this project is almost done.
tomorrow morning i'm waking up early, going for a nice run before the move (i know, crazy), and then moving.
forget about body attack. i'll just move for a month.
lunge. lift. squat. lunge.
lovely.

welcome to the blogworld hilary!

woohoo! hilary is writing!

slowing down.

in the midst of transition, what's the first thing to go for you? for me, eating well and exercise is hard to keep as a priority.

this time i'm digging my feet in and trying to be present to even the uncomfortable parts of this transition. when i do that, the fun things of the transition are beautiful and fun.

i'm listening to what my body is telling me. i'm eating when i'm hungry. i'm stopping when i'm full. i'm sitting when i need to rest. and i'm moving when i need to move. and i'm slowing down. there's no rush right now.

run run run

we had our first running club after work today. it was really fun. i started the run by asking the women to reflect on some things: what is my body telling me...how does it feel to run...focus on breathing...focus on your abs or focus on your arms. just listen to your body. we weren't running to run a distance or in a certain time, but running for our bodies. we ran, we walked, we sprinted, we did some stairs.

my favorite part of the run was when we sprinted like we were little kids. liz' laughter was our soundtrack as our legs pounded on the pavement.

it was fun to run together. i loved it.

you gained two pounds, that's no good.

i was at the Y and overheard a grandmother tell her granddaughter you gained two pounds, that's not good. this young girl was maybe 7. she was in her swimming suit and seemed like weight was the last thing that was on her mind. she asked her grandmother why it was bad that she gained weight. i didn't stay to listen to what her grandmother said, but i really hope that she told her that she's never defined by her weight, that a number shouldn't determine your mood or outcome, that she's beloved, that she's beautiful, and that they will work together to be healthy. they will continue going to the gym and watching what they eat...and that they will talk about what's going on in her life, what makes her sad, happy, mad or glad.

i hope she has the opportunity to walk a journey to full health in a safe place.

eating real food

so i received my diet analysis.
i've been sitting on the analysis, the suggestion and the meal plan. it was beautiful. it resonated with where i am right now with eating.

my meal plan included sweets, whole grain bread and rice.

i have to admit, i try to shy away from those items. i haven't had a good relationship with them...but...then i remember that i did. when i first joined weight watchers i really followed the program. you can eat what you want, in moderation. and i did. i would fill up on fruits, veggies, dairy and whole grains and if i had some points, i'd enjoy a little snack.

fast forward to know, it's sometimes easier to cut out carbs and sweets. sometimes i like to do it just because i like that type of discipline. it's sick. i've gone a year without chocolate. i recently did around 8 months. etc.

but all that did was create a really bad relationship with those types of food. yes, i've learned that there are foods that i would put in the trigger category. having them in my house will be a disaster - cookie dough and cadberry eggs. i'm done. but, i never learned what was going on with my relationship with those foods. those foods were off-limits but they weren't inherently bad. in excess bad...in moderation alright....good, whole versions of those things...even better.

my emotions were the issue that i needed to look at more closely. so as i've waited for my food analysis, i began to see what was going on with my emotions. and i got my food plan, and i have to admit, i was a little nervous. but she explained it so well.

when i'm not getting enough whole grains, healthy fat, fruits and vegetables, i will eat food that has empty calories. duh. it makes sense.

if i'm eating a light lunch and saving my WW points, ofcourse it's easier for me to blow those points on food that won't actually fuel my body.

so this week i'm focusing on the following:

• enjoying and savoring my food
• not eating when i'm not hungry
• whole, natural and real food
• having a healthy relationship with food
• feeling my emotions and not numbing them
  

in only six weeks

i'm watching an informercial for 'bikini beachbody: slim in six.' i don't like it.

they claim that you can get the body you've dreamed for in only six weeks.

so. somehow the body you've had (all emotions, spiritual wonderings, physical characteristics) will miraculously change in six weeks.

it's not that easy. and i don't think it should be. i think whole health and whole life takes time and discipline. we want things easy and it doesn't work that way. and it's okay.

Hard exercise dulls the appetite.

IT MAKES SENSE.
i knew this when i played sports in high school. i knew this when i would workout in college.

today i taught body attack and did a round of bridal bootcamp afterwards. it was bootcamp meets yoga. it was vicious and delicious.

i got home. forced myself to drink my favorite coconut milk. and i glanced at my breakfast i packed last night. drenched in sweat i dragged myself to get ready. i had no appetite.

until i got in my car to come to work.
low.
blood.
sugar.

and then i got to have my lovely oatmeal concoction. i'm determined that it will keep me feeling full until lunch...but after my two and a half hour workout i'm not sure.

i had oatmeal, a little shredded coconut, 1/2 c fiber one, 10 peanuts, a tbsp of peanut butter and a little bit of chocolate.

i.
was.
in.
love.

i ate slowly. and am full.
and am hopefully ready for the day.

so delicious

i love SO DELICIOUS coconut milk. here are the good things about it.

• Dairy Free / Lactose Free
• Soy Free
• Gluten Free
• Rich in Medium Chain Fatty Acids
• Excellent Source of Vitamin B12 (vegetarian friendly)
• Formulated for Maximum Calcium Absorption
• Cholesterol Free
• No Trans Fats
• Certified Vegan

when i get done from working out...like today. i sometimes have no appetite whatsoever. body attack in the morning wakes me up and takes my appetite. but i know i have to eat something pretty soon after working out. sometimes i just want a glass of this...i shower...and then i eat some oatmeal. so that's what i did this morning. body attack. coconut milk. and work. ii've enjoyed listening to my body to learn when i'm truly hungry and when i'm truly full. it's a good combination with weight watchers.

alright. here's to wednesday.

oh tlc

i think i might've found a title for my book. well, this book is hypothetical, but i have started a document for it. :)

but that's not what i'm writing about. i'm writing about TLC and my mostly hate relationship with them. after their stupid decisions surrounding john and kate plus 8 i've tried hard to ignore them as much as possible. then i get caught up in a few of their shows. dangit.

today i'm watching shows on obesity. and got angry. but not at tlc.

i'm watching this african american family. i'm not sure if there's a father figure in the story. but it's atleast a single mom with one morbidly obese 16 year old and then a few other children around the house.

this guy is 16 years old and she's resigned to the fact for him to get the weight off (he's over 550 lbs) she's going to get him surgery. get him surgery. she began to show her son what he wasn't going to have anymore. and he laughed. they get to the doctor's office for a check up and the doctor was disappointed. the kid hadn't stuck to his diet. the doctor said he wanted him to immediately stop eating these certain things and the guy basically said, i'll do that tomorrow.

i cringed the whole time. i wanted to be in the hospital room and ask his family...what is going on. it doesn't matter what drastic measure you do to address your weight, but if you don't address the actual reason for your weight gain then there's no reason for you to do anything. you can do the surgery, you can do the diet, but if you don't look at the emotional reasons for what you do or don't do regarding your health, nothing will change. sure, you might lose some weight or gain some weight, but you haven't been able to find the reason.

it breaks my heart to watch this show and this guy's journey. i know there are so many people's journeys that are similar...especially those in the african american community.

there's got to be a better way.

breathe.

take a moment. and breathe.
find your center. in silence.
and catch your breath.

okay. okay. you win.

i love oatmeal. when i have read kath eats real food she's been a master cook when it comes to oatmeal.

so this morning i decided to give my oatmeal a little love. after cooking my oatmeal, i put a tablespoon of peanut butter on the side and half of a 100 calorie dark chocolate bar. per kerf's recommendation, i didn't swirl the pb around. i've' done that before and it really takes away the pb taste. so, i take a little bit of this now melted and delicious peanut butter...eat some oatmeal...work...and then take some peanut butter and chocolate and oatmeal. this is the slowest i've eaten breakfast and i'm so proud! i usually am hustling out of the door stuffing my face with something. but, slowing down is the theme these days. with side of green tea with lemon. i'm good to go.

nom nom nom.

gulp

so. i've tried to figure out how to balance my work life and my personal life. i've seen how easy it is for my work life to dominate my conversations....and even my online conversations.

but today i have to blur the lines a bit.

i have an urgent need at work. out of the four years i've served at wmf my support account has always struggled. currently my support account is hovering just around -$4,000. if you've followed word made flesh, you've probably seen us do a lot of activities that we've put in place to try and generate energy for our support accounts. we've done pushups, we've almost cut our hair into mohawks, we had a dance party, we've had a photo show. we're all struggling here in the office.

i'd like to ask for you to consider giving towards my support account. beginning in october, i will be placed on support probation. that means if i don't get my support account into the positive (or make some pretty great strides to that) i will have to reevaluate receiving my salary via word made flesh and/or my full-time status here.

any gift helps, every prayer helps.
here's the link to give online. designate gifts for jara sturdivant.

and send me a message if you have any questions.
love. me.

a good sweat

there's nothing like a good workout to rid you of stress. i've been ridiculously surprised by the joy i've found in teaching classes at the Y. each week i teach about four classes. next week i'll manage to teach five classes and then do bridal bootcamp.

to go along with my renewed endurance, i saved and snuck a little money for a nutritionist consultation. i continue to do weight watchers, but i've been inspired by this blog and her dedication to health. in my journey i've found so many signs along the way that point me to full health and what it means to have full health as an african american woman.

i want to continue to learn about nutrition, physical and spiritual health and what it means in a body like mine and with a history of mine.

i love my curves, the junk in my trunk, and i'm continuing to work on it being as healthy as can be...and telling others around me how to find their own way.