a running tab

my mind runs. all of the time. i'm keeping tabs on things i should do and shouldn't do...things you should and shouldn't do...who i owe and what and how much.

this weekend i spent some time with a friend in south omaha. as we got our wallets out, i said, i have this one. she resisted and then i assured her, no, you got taco bell last time.

friend: you're keeping a tab??

me: no no. i'm not. i just remember.

friend: we're friends, you don't have to keep a tab.

eek. i've gotten so used to remembering who i've given airport rides to in the morning and who i can ask next. my tabs have taken the generosity out of friendship. i take people's gifts towards me as repayment or as an invitation for me to repay them.

OH NO.

sweaty palms mean realization. i told this story to some friends. others understood and agreed with it. there are healthy ways of setting boundaries so friendships are reciprocal and not just a give-give or take-take relationships. but i'm learning to receive love from friends because it's love.

love is beautiful when there's no repayment, tab involved. when it's simply love, acts of love, it's freeing. and there's no tab. it's endless.

but if i do owe someone a ride to the airport let me know.
kidding.
let's have a year of jubilee.