Seeking Shangri-La Inside My Cubicle

Here's my latest article from Omaha.net. It gives a little summary of the past couple of months.

My last day at my place of former employment was September 30. I, like many other folks in Omaha and around the country, entered into the realms of unemployment. I found a placement with a temporary agency and was making phone calls for a local non-profit.

Sitting in a cubicle for six hours, with no computer, no friendly banter with coworkers, having only a telephone and a list, was apparently just what I needed.

I lasted there a week and one day.

I had an epiphany on one of my rides to work. Driving on I-80, I began to think about what gave me the most passion, when was I in the flow.

Health.

My story with health is kind of wild. When I arrived in Omaha, I weighed a little over 200 pounds. You need to know, I’m just 5 foot 4 and a half (again, in full disclosure I asked my doctor if I could round up to 5 foot 5, she said no). I’d played soccer all through elementary and high school. I loved running. I was in shape. But something about being in graduate school and living on my own opened the door to pretty bad habits—enter Betty Crocker and Reese’s cups for dinner.

I got to Omaha and continued to put on the weight. My parents gently invited me to consider an alternate way of living, and I entered a local weight loss program. In that program, I met a number of women struggling with the similar problems. I lost almost 100 pounds, and I thought that I was on top of the world.

Then reality hit me. Being healthy isn’t just about eating a certain amount of calories or exercising a certain amount of time. Being healthy is about eating nutritious foods that fuel the body, exercising, and tending to inward health…and a lot of other things, but eating nutritious food, exercising, and tending to my inward health are the areas of my latest focus.

About a year ago, I was introduced to clean eating (aka if a 7-year-old can’t pronounce the ingredient, you shouldn’t eat it) and mindful eating.

I began to think about the ways that local weight loss program got it right—watching portions, listening to when your body is full. And then I thought what was I missing at the program: the emotional engagement and accompaniment.

There are really great weight loss coaches who are there every step of the way, but I needed more than how was your week…I needed how did you grow up with food types of things and how was your week, really.

Clean eating can be daunting, but there are a lot of tools out there that I’ve found to be incredibly helpful. Michael Pollan is one of my favorite authors and someone I look up to in regards to food and clean eating. From Food Rules, In Defense of Food, to the Omnivore’s Dilemma, Pollan offers the reader ways to engage their community and environment in new and dynamic ways—through eating and choosing foods.

I also recommend another book, Savor, by Dr. Lilian Cheung and Thich Nhat Hanh. Both Cheung and Hanh remind us to slow down in a number of ways —not just with eating—but also with how we are in such a quick movement to the next thing.

Daily Grub, a local restaurant here in Omaha, has an open table for you to eat and experience whole and local food. Bring cash, they don’t accept credit cards and bring your appetite. Nom nom nom.

There are lots of ways to incorporate healthy living these days. We have access to a lot around us, but sometimes our bodies have ways of telling us when to slow down and ways of choosing health—listen to it.

Maybe eat a few extra vegetables during those parties. Maybe write a letter to a loved one and also give him/her a call. And maybe get those eight hours of sleep you were thinking about.

I know the holidays can sometimes get the best of us, but maybe this time we can make an early resolution for our health instead of waiting until January 1, 2011.

When we’re able to access our emotions and full health we make some damn good community members.

Leaving a Cave : Thoughts on Stress and Life

I have been writing in my journal every day for the past couple of weeks. I started a cleanse "The Quantum Wellness Cleanse" by Kathy Freston. I did it for about a week and then entered into a bit of a detox. I didn't realize how important the timing of my clean eating would be.

My last day at my current place of employment is the end of this month. When I resigned (in June) I felt an immediate wave of relief. I realized that even the uncertainty of my next step was more life giving than staying in a situation where I knew I needed to leave. Since resigning different people have noticed that I'm different. Both Kenley and my spiritual director noticed this change in me...and tonight I noticed it as well.

I was writing in my journal (love it) and wrote about how I'm noticing how incredible Kenley is. I am falling more and more in love with him and then it dawned on me...

I am coming out of a cave. 


If you're in a cave without a headlamp, your eyes have to adjust to the lack of light...you get accustomed to your dim surroundings. Colors fade into grays and blacks and dark hues of brown. And you feel your way through the ins and outs of the cave.

When you leave a cave, your eyes have to adjust to the light again...colors seem more vibrant. And you are back into the real world.

Stress is a cave. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is a way out...and sometimes it seems like just living in the cave and in the stress is easier than finding a way out.

I'm finding my way out. I know life is not easy. I also know that some things shouldn't be so hard. And life will be full of ups and downs...it's listening to those moments and growing from them that we're supposed to do....so, I'm working on seeing the light, letting my eyes adjust :)

In Freston's book she includes daily meditations to do...one of the recent ones is "I examine myself."

"Throughout the day, I will say to myself with eyes closed. I examine myself. I will always be challenged by various situations - relationship conflicts, stress at work, drama with my kids - and thus experience feelings that are uncomfortable. All of this provides the friction necessary for my personal growth. If everything went along swimmingly all the time, I would never have the opportunity to stretch myself, or work at pushing through the obstalces that keep me stagnant. In order to keep moving forward, I can step back from the feelings and examine them, noting how familiar or repetitive they are. I can think about how and when they originated so that I understand the historical progression. By realizing that we are all wounded in some way, I can look to my wounds as an opportunity to know myself better. As I come to know myself better, I will find myself connecting with other people on a deeper and more meaningful level. As I now see it, the purpose of my life is to grow and awaken to the powerful potential that is within. My most sacred mission is to focus on moving through the places that hold me back." - The Quantum Wellness Cleanse, Kathy Freston, pg. 68

Where am I?

Well first...I've been away from my blog for a little bit. I'm at a work event for the next six days and have been here since Monday.

Yesterday I was working off of two deadlines for other things...and I almost went through an entire pack of gum. Friend and coworker and current roommate Mandy got a piece of gum...saw that it was almost over and she asked me if I had eaten it all.

Ofcourse.

When I am stressed I want to get some type of aggression out...I chew chew chew.

I did one day of the cleanse...and the next day I didn't think that I could do it. I had a headache and have had to be emotionally awake for a lot of things. I hadn't spent enough time on my own to reflect, journal or just read...and went back to my same coping mechanisms.

I am fascinated at how quickly my body goes back to the familiar. Friend and coworker Sarah Lance shared tonight about freedom and being in slavery. Like you know I have a tattoo on my wrist, freedom...

So, where am I? I'm in the midst of realizing that with freedom I need to understand what courage means. I have to look at things that I thought were safe to me and see them for what they are...just ways to deal with life rather than experience life.

I reflected a few days ago about my relationship with food...I tame my emotions (feeling and expressing emotions) with food. At times I'd rather not deal with my emotions. And at times I'd rather not have to explain my emotions. I'd rather feel my emotions with food than actually feel them.

But I want to start feeling my emotions. My emotions aren't the enemy...I'm not my enemy...but trying to pretend that I'm not an emotional person is an enemy.

If you're an emotional eater, what do you all do to express your emotions?

So i'm back on the bandwagon of eating clean...clean as possible. With my maybe PCOS I need to take myself seriously...

the other things i think about

Yes, I think health is attached to all parts of our lives...mind, body and soul. When one of those is out of whack, we are out of whack people and wacky people. You know those people in your lives who seem a little off and they sort of cyclone their mess everywhere? I've been that person before...sometimes I still am.

But I wanted to give you a little glimpse into other things that I am passionate about at this moment.

Circles and what they mean for the hope and future of organizations, our communities and our world
Marriage - K and I celebrated our 8 months of marriage, it's really fun, we are growing a lot
Family - I love my family, they came to visit this week, they recenter me in a way that no one else can.
Garden - I saw our first tomato today...small but it's there
Diversity/Inclusion - This has always been on my heart...let's be real, 100 years ago, what would a black woman be doing...and what would you be doing, let's start this conversation and figure out how to make our communities better places for everyone
Friends - I have been surrounded by amazing friends who are family
Healthy food - honoring the body
Justin Bieber - :)

You all love me.

my hair...my hair....

So, I'm sort of obsessed with touching my hair right now. I haven't cut it yet, but I'm watching it grow into its natural state, a little bit at a time. There are days when I second guess my decision to cut my hair. I rationalize and convince myself that I could do one more relaxer and then tackle my hair the next couple of months.

I rationalize and convince myself of a lot of things...tomorrow i'll write in my journal...tomorrow I'll run a little bit farther. Again, another example of how I don't like to stay in the present. So, today, i'm loving my hair each a little bit more each day. I can't help it, it's a part of me, a part of me that I've never seen before. It's like I'm giving myself a shot at being itself. Gotta love myself today. You, too. Okay?

thankful not to be alone

I'm so thankful for the people who have surrounded me throughout my journey with health. I have people who ask me how it's going, inspire me with their own journeys, ask me for help, offer me help. And I am thankful.

This week I decided to do something that I never thought that I could do. I became a Beachbody coach. I know, I was super hesitant. I didn't want to be one of those people...you know, the pushers. I've had bad experiences with different products people mention at the gym. And I'm not really a super duper pusher of products. I commit to living simply and following how God is leading in my life. I know that the idea and theme of health continues to pop up in everything...conversations, dreams, books and thoughts.

The things I know are true...that health is important for all of us. Access to tools for health makes me want to work really hard. Health is an issue of justice...there are so many cycles of poverty and health that are soooo connected. I've always said that I want to work on serving communities in finding whole health in the midst of bad cycles and patterns that are learned culturally.

So, I'm a coach. What does that mean? It means that I am more than willing to help, or continue to help those who I'm currently helping, people find their way to their health. I will not prescribe any specific ways of eating or ways of working out. I want to encourage people to listen to what their bodies are telling them....and then offer help when asked. If you need a little bit of extra encouragement, some accountability...I would love to help. Beachbody does have some good products if you're interested...you know 'em P90x, Turbojam and more. These are good products that I think can help people who need that type of instruction...who want to work out in the comfort of their home and not a gym. But again, i'm not pushing. Send me an email to jara.sturdivant@gmail.com or visit my site and we can talk.

I haven't done my journey to health alone and I don't think anyone else should either. It's more fun when we do it together.

natural: i am not my hair

I've decided to let my hair live naturally. I asked a lot of good friends their journeys with natural hair. I've googled everything under the sun. I talked it through with my mom and felt that I was able to articulate what brought me to this place.

I enjoy the consistency that a relaxer gives my hair. It's bone straight and easy to manage. My hair was long. My hair dresser would tell me how much my hair had grown since I'd last seen here...and then the creamy crack would hit my scalp, i'd feel the burn, look in the mirror and relax because my hair was about to be straight. (funny that the product is even called a relaxer) The last weeks before a retouch, I would curse new growth...those little curls that caught all combs and brushes. Those little waves needed to be taken care of. So, this last time I sat in Classy's chair and talked with her about what I wanted to do. I wanted to make my next appointment for either a retouch or a trim.

So, i'm a few weeks in from my most recent retouch and I'm looking forward to the journey with natural hair. I almost forgot to write what made me some to this conclusion.

A lot of times I would tell Kenley that I wanted our future kids (we aren't pregnant) to have his hair. Yes, his hair is beautiful, half asian, half black. He has these glorious, flowing curls that seem so easy to manage. The more I would say that, the more I would wonder what that meant about my hair. I don't even know what my real hair even looks like other than the inch of new growth that I tell to straighten up. I remembered watching Good Hair and all of the questions I had coming out of that movie. What would I tell my kids about their hair? That it's a beautiful mixture of the Sturdivant-Wilson's Thai, African, Caucasian, Native American heritage? And that's why it's sometimes curly, sometimes has a red tint...why it's frizzy in the summertime. Yes, I think I would tell them that...and I had to start telling myself that. My hair does represent my family and my heritage. I didn't want to keep adding these strong chemicals to my hair. I want to put good and healthy foods into my body (hence my renewed commitment to eating vegetarian, leaning towards vegan). I want to honor my body with what I do to it and what I put into it. Trust me, I don't get it right, hardly ever, but I'm trying and I know I need to try.

I also want to understand what I find as beautiful and where in my life have I been conditioned to think something is beautiful (straight hair)...and I'm not my hair anyway (check the lyrics below).

I'm looking forward to the freedom that I think I will have with my hair. I know that this won't be an easy journey. It's something so new and something that I can't even plan for...but it's something that i'm anticipating. I'll probably keep blogging here about whole health...and include my hair in it...that is part of me. :) If you have any tips for hair and skin care...naturally, let me know!

Also, here's some education if you don't know what happens when I get my hair relaxed, here you go:

lyrics to india.aire's not my hair.

Little girl with the press and curls
Age 8 I got a jerry curl
13 and I got a relaxer
I was the source of so much laughter
15 when it all broke off
18 when I went all natural
February 2002
I went on and did what I had to do

Cuz it was time to change my life
To become the woman that I am inside
97 dread locs all grown
I looked in the mirror for the first time and saw that (hey)

(Chorus)
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations (no)
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am the soul that lives within

(Spoken)
What she do to her?
I don’t know; it look crazy!
I like it.
I might do that.
I wouldn’t go that far.

(Verse 2)
Good hair means curls and waves.
Bad hair means you look like a slave
At the turn of the century
Its time for us to redefine who we be
You can shave it off like an African beauty
Got in on “loc” like Bob Marley
You can rock it straight like Oprah Winfrey
It’s not what’s on your head, it’s what’s underneath (say hey)

(Chorus)
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations (no)
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am the soul that lives within

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity
Expressing my creativity

(Verse 3)
Breast cancer and chemotherapy
Took away her crown and glory
She promised God if she was to survive
She would enjoy everyday of her life
On national television her diamond eyes are sparkling
Baldheaded like a full moon shining
Singing out to the whole wide world like hey

(Chorus)
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations (no)
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am the soul that lives within
(Repeat)

If I wanna shave it close or I wanna rock locs
That don’t take a bit away from this soul that I got

If I wanna wear it braided all down my back
I don’t see nothing wrong with that

decisions and research

i knew that i needed to make some decisions regarding what i put in my body...not only in the food sense, but also in the medicine sense. when i went to my year check up, i began taking birth control and increased my vitamin intake.

i did some research on birth control and had some heated conversations with kenley. i wasn't really sure that i wanted to put any hormones in my body. it was quite difficult to really figure out what i knew was best for me. after my research i and my doctor found a pill that we both felt was going to be best for me. so far so good.

during my research i was reading magazines (surprise, surprise) and found an article about muscle mass and birth control users. it was a small blurb, but the article mentions that those on birth control have a slightly harder time toning up. the combination of hormones (and some age) made it harder for this experiment group to tone up. so before i started to take the pill i decided to really commit to working out and adding muscle. it's hard trying to fight against nature (natural or prescribed), but i'm committing to putting into practice the things that i want to do for life.

i've enjoyed the classes i've been helping teach at the Y and have noticed that my endurance has definitely improved. i've always enjoyed working out and doing the obligatory YEAH! THIS IS FUN! scream, but when you're in charge of actually explaining the steps and keeping a class exciting...wow, speaking/screaming and working out...that's a whole other level. and again, thankful.

here's to a week of working with what i have and making the best out of it.