Leaving a Cave : Thoughts on Stress and Life

I have been writing in my journal every day for the past couple of weeks. I started a cleanse "The Quantum Wellness Cleanse" by Kathy Freston. I did it for about a week and then entered into a bit of a detox. I didn't realize how important the timing of my clean eating would be.

My last day at my current place of employment is the end of this month. When I resigned (in June) I felt an immediate wave of relief. I realized that even the uncertainty of my next step was more life giving than staying in a situation where I knew I needed to leave. Since resigning different people have noticed that I'm different. Both Kenley and my spiritual director noticed this change in me...and tonight I noticed it as well.

I was writing in my journal (love it) and wrote about how I'm noticing how incredible Kenley is. I am falling more and more in love with him and then it dawned on me...

I am coming out of a cave. 


If you're in a cave without a headlamp, your eyes have to adjust to the lack of light...you get accustomed to your dim surroundings. Colors fade into grays and blacks and dark hues of brown. And you feel your way through the ins and outs of the cave.

When you leave a cave, your eyes have to adjust to the light again...colors seem more vibrant. And you are back into the real world.

Stress is a cave. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is a way out...and sometimes it seems like just living in the cave and in the stress is easier than finding a way out.

I'm finding my way out. I know life is not easy. I also know that some things shouldn't be so hard. And life will be full of ups and downs...it's listening to those moments and growing from them that we're supposed to do....so, I'm working on seeing the light, letting my eyes adjust :)

In Freston's book she includes daily meditations to do...one of the recent ones is "I examine myself."

"Throughout the day, I will say to myself with eyes closed. I examine myself. I will always be challenged by various situations - relationship conflicts, stress at work, drama with my kids - and thus experience feelings that are uncomfortable. All of this provides the friction necessary for my personal growth. If everything went along swimmingly all the time, I would never have the opportunity to stretch myself, or work at pushing through the obstalces that keep me stagnant. In order to keep moving forward, I can step back from the feelings and examine them, noting how familiar or repetitive they are. I can think about how and when they originated so that I understand the historical progression. By realizing that we are all wounded in some way, I can look to my wounds as an opportunity to know myself better. As I come to know myself better, I will find myself connecting with other people on a deeper and more meaningful level. As I now see it, the purpose of my life is to grow and awaken to the powerful potential that is within. My most sacred mission is to focus on moving through the places that hold me back." - The Quantum Wellness Cleanse, Kathy Freston, pg. 68

Week One: Gym Therapy

I finished the first week of trying to watch what I'm eating...I feel like my body has fell into a natural way of eating that feels good. I am some seafood and dairy. I'm lactose intolerant, but I'm learning that if I eat dairy that is closest to the source I'm usually good.

Last night I wasn't sure I was going to stick with it. I was craving a lot of brownies, dense chocolate cake and some icecream. I stopped and listened to what was happening. I was freaking out about returning to work. I've been away from the office for almost three weeks - with my office's conference and our week of vacation - I wasn't sure I could get back in the swing of a 9-5 without a nap.

Today was one of those days. I'm thankful I made it out alive...during the day I was giving a friend an hour-by-hour update on what was happening and I told him that I wasn't sure I was going to go to the gym. He teaches this class...Body Attack, it's a hot mess. I told him that I had three goals...1) drive by the gym 2) go to half of his class 3) finish his class.

At the end of the day I was spent but I had this epiphany. I'm so tired of the following:
1) People telling me what I should or should not do with my body, feelings, emotions...I mean, I welcome people and their concerns for my well-being. What I'm tired of is allowing people to affect my mood and stress level to the point that I allow that to be more of a priority over my health. There have been times I've left work just to leave and go home and take a nap to ignore the day. I had the familiar head and fatigue around 430....and all of a sudden I realized I'm not letting stress dictate my day.
2) Allowing stress to dictate my day...I've allowed stress to tell me when to sleep, stay awake...what to eat, what not to eat...when to exercise, when to not exercise...when to talk...when to be quiet. Stress has become my familiar friend, but today I chose my health above stress...

AND I GOT MY GYM THERAPY!

I looked at the clock..it was 5:30 and I decided to start my workout...looked at the clock...6...thought well I can stay and see if I can make it through this next song...I would make it...then I realized that there's just two more songs...then I made it to the end. I made it. From 5:30-6:30 I felt like myself again.

I need to remember this feeling...I'm sort of floating. I made it home, finished my workout, and have felt incredibly relaxed. And I didn't have to say a word during therapy...I just had to be.

Get your gym therapy today.