day 2/21

after a little tiredness incident this morning (leaving a class early to sleep) i'm feeling a bit better. i couldn't tell if my tiredness is because of a cold i'm fighting or the cleanse. i'm happy to report that things are going well...and it's day 2 :).

it's been a struggle to stay present in the stress or different emotions going on around me. i have to figure out how not to let stress hold me or control me. it's amazing how conditioned our bodies are to deal with stress or high emotions the same ways over and over. for some it's drinking, for me, it's food.

that's it for today.

1/21

today is the first day that i'm doing a cleanse. marcia just finished it and i appreciated what she learned. i feel like i need clarity and peace. i feel like stress has permeated every part of my body and i don't like it. so i'm going to clean it out.

i'll do it for 21 days. and i think it's the perfect amount of time right before the wedding. i want to be present in these next weeks and feel like myself.

i'm hopeful.

cry fest 2009

i sat across from kenley in our house. i heard words coming out of my mouth. we were talking about conflict. it wasn't that big of a deal, but i couldn't figure out why i wanted to cry. i had returned from watching a movie and felt pretty good. when i was in the movie i had a moment of reflection and trying to figure out why i've felt so at odds with myself. and so across from kenley i began to bawl and explained that i was exhausted. wedding planning isn't stressful. it's been fun, but something else has stressed me out. i didn't realize that work was stressing me out that much. when i sat in the movie, i was thinking, what has changed in my life that has made me feel more stressed out. i thought that kenley moving here was stressful or maybe it was when we got engaged, but no, those events have been really fun and great. but handling stress at the workplace has been nonexistent. being at the retreat this past week reminded me of that.

so i sat with kenley and cried and cried. i couldn't believe that this stress had been so consuming that it managed to hover over wedding planning. that it had found its way into every part of my life and i don't like it. i didn't like that i couldn't move from the couch because i knew that it signaled the end of my weekend. and i didn't like that i was afraid of going to work because i finally figured out that it stresses me out.

kenley is my optimist and he reminded me that it will be okay. i dont' want stress, no matter where, to dictate what i do, what i eat, how i act. it's not who i am. and it's not going to make me.

i rest in the grace of God. i know God will keep me safe. and i know that God doesn't change.
prov. 3:5.

retreat

i loved the retreat. everything about it was what i needed. silence and solitude and tending to my soul. one of the things i'm learning about myself is courage. i havent' been guided by courage in my journey often. i'm usually following fear and anxiety. but i'm learning freedom and with freedom you have to have courage.

the journey to whole health isn't easy and it is scary. we're facing big things when we face our whole bodies: mind, body and soul. and it's alright. we're dynamic beings.

so, this week, i want to practice more silence and solitude in all of those aspects of my life...mind, body and soul. as i process more i'll write more :)

now don't you worry

i'll be back. off to a retreat tomorrow. should be good for my soul.
love. me

listening to my body

i've been trying to listen to my body/soul these days. when i get stressed out, i've had to stop and breathe deeply and slowly and listen closely to what's going on. what is God trying to tell me? what does it mean that my neck is cramped?

i don't always come out with an answer. but i know that i'm being present to waiting on the Holy Spirit.

quiet

i'm sitting in my temporary home. it's quiet and still. it's the first moment i've had to be still in a long time. i feel like i've been going going going going for awhile. i feel out of sorts a bit. before i moved my stuff here kenley thought that i was bringing too much stuff. i know i wasn't. i had packed my life into three boxes for the next month. i had everything i knew i needed. the little comment somehow put me into a terrible downward spiral. i took apart the boxes that i had carefully measured out and spent time putting together. i had pieces of 'home' that i knew i would need to get me through the next month. and all of a sudden i felt attacked and judged. i tearfully went through my clothes and repacked, poorly.

i arrived at home #1 shaken up. my life in boxes. and no home in sight. annemarie asked me how i was doing and i immediately broke down in tears. i had said goodbye to the one place that has provided me a safe home for the past four years. i didn't think that it would be this difficult. i'm home jilted. i know i didn't want to do this move a week before the wedding. now i just have to figure out how to navigate well these 34 some days when all i want to do is go home.