awkward encounters with the WW lady

since omaha isn't that big there is a chance that you may run into someone you know around town.

a couple of times i've run into my weight watchers leader at the grocery store. i usually do a quick look at my cart and sigh, with relief. my grocery cart is typically full of veggies and faux meat. and probably some 100 calorie packet.

now last week i had one of those weeks. and yes, food is my comfort (do i get credit for that one?), i ordered a chocolate chip cookie for mandy and a LOWfat (it makes me feel better) chocolate chip banana bread for myself. as i began to nibble at the cookie i looked up just in time to see....

her.

my weight watchers leader. i panicked like i was getting caught skipping chapel and hanging out at sonic in nicholasville (i'd never do that). i pushed the cookie all the way to mandy. and buried myself into my book. she came in. i didn't look up. she left.

so i couldn't go to the meeting this saturday. i was too afraid.

and then i started thinking. i can't be afraid. i don't want to be afraid when it comes to my health and being accountable to it. (yes, i can do it)

this past month i've been training for a half-marathon. it's been really important for me to focus on something that is good for my health and not focus on the numbers on the scale.

this morning rachelle, mimi and i ran 7 miles in iowa on the wabash trail. it was an exhilarating moment. i realized i was in shape. i decided that if i could run these miles this week that i'd officially register for the race. i have a month and five days to keep at it.

in that time i hope to:

• continue watching my alcohol intake - i can barely run the day after enjoying one too many glasses of wine
• continue finding my way to full health
• kickstart these last few pounds into the ground. forever.
• find new running paths that make me smile
• enjoy the outdoors more and more each day
• have runs without my music
• find my confidence
• love nature
  

mmm.

an evening with friends is a balm for the soul.
healing deep places of darkness. and hurt.
creating space for silence.
and celebration. and ofcourse tears.
and saying good night is sweet.
a walk to the car. floating on laughter. and newly made memories.
and solitude that is familiar and comfortable. embraced by the thoughts and prayers of you.

heaving. heavy.

my steps are heavier than usual. my legs feel like lead. but not from running.

but from hours, minutes, seconds that seem to multiply their weight by two.

my thoughts get lost in thoughts. my questions get stuck behind doubts.

heavy eyelids, eyes with tears. burning. salt water.

i didn't put this week on my back correctly. it hurts. seems imbalanced. it shifts.

and i sit down. elbows on knees. face in hands.

choking

yesterday i spent some time in a backyard.

i journaled. read the bible. and sat. as i reflected i had this thought come into my head.

i began to write it and thought to myself this isn't new, this isn't profound. but damn it takes me a long time to get it.

i'm known for planning. a lot. it's a weird sign of control issues. (i think). the more i try to control, the tighter i hold onto situations, relationships, circumstances, dreams, motivations, the harder those things have a chance to grow, move, change, be miraculous.

i have to submit. i have to let go. it's scary. for a moment as i let things go, i see them fall to the ground. i'm tempted to sweep them up before they have a chance to hit the ground. but i can't. i have to wait, with fear and trembling and faith, that God will be there. God is There. God carries. God holds.

and i let go.

to write escribir

last night and old friend and i reconnected. she's on her way to portland. she mentioned that she was excited to be in the midst of creative people. before spending a year traveling the world with a mission organization, she worked in the corporate world where she thought she might have lost a part of herself.

i remember using that phrase four years ago. i was working at banana republic and an ad agency. there was a moment i told one of my friends that i didn't feel like myself anymore. i just went through the motions.

lately i've felt like i've lost a bit of myself that i need to recover.

i love to write. that's what i went to school for...for six years. i wrote for papers, i managed a paper, i helped start a spanish-english paper for lexington, i worked with high school students from inner-city memphis as they wrote for a monthly paper. i edited. i designed. i had deadlines. i interviewed. i dreamed. i wrote. i recorded.

last week i found some of my grad work on a jump drive. i went through it and thought, oh my, i wrote and i wrote a lot. and i read a lot.

and now i miss it. i've been working on one article for the cry and i've struggled to write it. i'm out of practice i guess. and i kind of default to this non-writer. and i shrug my shoulders and continue on going through some of the motions.

it's hard because i know that we are called to submit and lay down our educations, experiences and offer them to the poor. but i have a weird idea of service. i've imagined it as doing things that you hate or aren't good at for the sake of doing them. and i don't know what is right.

that's it.

thankful

i'm incredibly thankful for my friends today.

a number of us are going to be running a faux 5k together. and i'm so excited to be around some of my favorite people.

i cry

i have never cried during the olympics. well. i'm not sure. but, it's a little late. it's almost one. i should be in bed. i wanted to drink some water.

i just finished watching the women's 10000 meters.

so this is around 6 miles i guess. the united states had a couple of runners in the event. it's been several olympics since an american (u.s.a.) has even medaled in this event. kind of crazy. so. i'm watching this event. and notice that shalene flanagan, u.s.a. runner, is in fourth place. the camera shows a shot of her mom in the crowd and you can clearly read what her mom is screaming.

you can do it. you can do it.

and i lost it.

i wondered, can she hear her mom screaming over the crowds? she just knows her mom is cheering for her.

so i cried. we struggle, we cry, we labor, we moan, we question, we doubt, we crawl. do we hear 'you can do it, you can do it' over the rest of the noise?

i hope so. i know that it's hard for me to believe it when i want to give up. sweet Jesus cries with me, labors with me, crawls with me, moans with me, labors with me...and i hear Him encouraging me. so tonight i pray that you know that you can do it. (not by yourself ofcourse) but as you're on this journey, stop for a moment and listen, drown out the crowd, and listen.

you can do it.

shalene placed third :)