rainy evenings

I'm thankful for the rainy evening that we're sharing with the rest of Omaha today. I'm hanging out with Dolly and Kenley. It's one of the first nights that we've all been at home in quite awhile...it's been over a week. We finally went grocery shopping..it's definitely been over a week. I can't remember the last time that I had some fruit. That was a scary realization. I was living on different forms of refined sugar and really delicious treats and lots of gluten. I could totally feel the effect those decisions had on my body. What i've noticed is that when I'm tired or stressed, my eating goes out of the window. It's the one thing that I don't have to really watch in the midst of a busy or stressful time. But then that decision really comes back to haunt me in the form of a stomachache. I can remember going to sleepovers as a kid way back when and eating way too much because of my nerves or excitement...and then getting really sick and spending the night in the bathroom. Food has been much more of a companion to my feelings than even I have. I know my feelings are there, and sometimes it is easier to not deal with them and just allow them to be covered by food. But I challenge myself....to release my emotions. They won't overwhelm me to the point where I can't move....I mean...even if they do, I will make it, I will be okay.

So on this rainy evening, I'm thankful that I'm finally able to just rest and just be. It's been a really long few weeks and I really needed a night to just let the events of the last few weeks to just hit me...and not control me. And tomorrow, what will grow? What will be greener? What will surprise me?

What do you hear? (part two)

Part of my journey to health is to not stop my reflections just on food...what I eat, etc. For me, my health is a much wider than what I eat or don't eat....it does go to what I put on my skin....in my hair...what I read, watch...spend my time doing. You know?

I will refer to one of my favorite books - Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. Part of her book Roth explains the practice of inquiry. The practice of inquiry is all about self-reflection and listening to our bodies. Click here for part of the book. I will include some of my favorite parts below.

Sometimes when I ask students what they are feeling in their bodies, they have no idea. It's been a couple of light-years since they felt anything in or about their bodies that wasn't judgment or loathing. So it's good to ask some questions that allow you to focus on the sensations themselves. You can ask yourself if the feeling has a shape, a temperature, a color. You can ask yourself how it affects you to feel this. And since no feeling is static, you keep noticing the changes that occur in your body as you ask yourself these questions. If you get stuck, it's usually because you're having a reaction to a particular feeling—you don't want to feel this way, you'd rather be happy right now, you don't like people who feel like this—or you're locked into comparing/judging mode.

So, be precise. "I feel a gray heap of ashes in my chest" rather than "I feel something odd and heavy." Don't try to direct the process by having preferences or agendas. Let the inquiry move in its own direction. Notice whatever arises, even if it surprises you. "Oh, I thought I was sad, but now I see that this is loneliness. It feels like a ball of rubber bands in my stomach." Welcome the rubber bands. Give them room. Watch what happens. Keep coming back to the direct sensations in your body. Pay attention to things you've never told anyone, secrets you've kept to yourself. Do not censor anything. Do not get discouraged. It takes a while to trust the immediacy of inquiry since we are so used to directing everything with our minds. It is helpful, though not necessary, to do inquiry with a guide or a partner so that you can have a witness and a living reminder to come back to the sensation and the location.

So today, I want to allow what my body is telling me to be welcomed into my life...I want to identify what they are...what they look like...where they are...I think when we identify our feelings for what they are....feelings, they lose their power/control over us.

More later. I actually took a picture of my dinner tonight. I want to post it sometime. We have shady internet...it just cuts in and out so it's hard for me to get super invested in what I'm writing because I fear I'll lose my post.

What do you hear? (part one)

I'm not sure how many parts this blog will be. One of my dear friends asked if I would share about my experience of listening to my body. I am definitely not an expert on this, but I am learning.

So, I was washing dishes and thinking about what I would write. I thought to myself...OMG (yes, omg, God has an incredible sense of humor!). God has created each of our bodies in unique ways and in that design God put some noises in our bodies. I'm amazed that we can feel and hear our heart beat in the form of a little grab of the wrist...and/or stethoscope. We can hear our heart beat when we're nervous...when we're exercising. In addition to our heartbeat, we can hear our breathing...and feel our breathing (even if we have a hearing impairment). We can feel and hear our stomach digest food or ask for food. We can hear and sometimes even feel our bodies release gas in the form of burping and farts :)

Our bodies in their very essence want to be felt and/or heard...in our bodies' very design, there are mechanisms that we have learned or not learned to acknowledge as our bodies' way of communicating with ourselves.

So, in my first part of...what do you hear...I ask myself and you...what do you hear your body telling you right now...are your shoes too tight? Do you feel your toes aching for more space? Is your stomach growling or trying to digest food? Are your muscles tired and twitching and needed a rest? Do you have a headache? Does your neck hurt? Are your hands cold? What are five things that your body is telling you right now?

For me?
My hands are cold. I need to get some tea.
My achilles tendon is pretty tight. I need to stretch.
I'm sniffling a lot...my nose is running and i'm not sure what that means...probably should take my allergy medicine.
I just rubbed my eye and heard how my eyelid responded...it was a weird noise...probably still should've taken my allergy medicine.
I just heard my knuckle pop...I should relax.

What are you hearing today? Tomorrow i'll write more. :) Thanks for reading.

i am not my hair

First of a few blog posts about what people want to hear about...this one is about my hair....or my haiirrree if you might say.

So, I’m going to write about my hair. I forgot that I haven’t really talked about how I’m ‘feeling’ about the process or anything. Thanks Chris for reminding me !

This week I haven’t really paid attention to my hair. It is still sort of straight from Sunday. I feel like I’m not sure how to relate to my hair in this in between stage. It’s sort of relaxed (chemically processed) with maybe an inch or so of new growth (unprocessed hair). I’m in a weird holding pattern until I make my appointment for May. When I think about May and my haircut, I’m excited and really nervous. I have no idea what my hair will look like or feel like. It’s like being set up on a blind-date with myself. I hope that I like my hair…I hope my hair likes me…will we have anything to talk about...

But I am nervous. There have been times when I’ve wondered, why not just keep going how I have been going. Why not? It’s easy. I guess that’s life though. Change may or may not feel good. But change is necessary.

I will definitely take photos of my hair when I get it cut. I can’t wait to see what it feels like and what it looks like. I’ve lived my adult life with shoulder length ish hair. And then I’ll have a TWA – teeny weenie afro.

I thought today that how often do I look at myself or a part of my body and wish that it looked a different way. I never let my body be my body in the present. I’m on this…live in the present kick….and I think that my body wants me to learn that for my body. I have to show myself grace and appreciate my body for what it looks like now and what it can do now. I can run a few miles inside and outside without passing out. I can lead a few cardio classes at the gym without embarrassing myself. And I can enjoy my hair even in this weird stage. It’s the hair of transition….it’s not where you want to be, but it is where it is. And that’s okay.

thank you to my readers :)

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog and/or comments. It's nice knowing that there are people who are reading.

I've enjoyed writing on my blog.

What have you all been learning about whole health? What do you want to know about whole health?

relax

just relax. I get so ramped up about everything that I never have a chance to be in the moment. i'm always thinking about the next thing. I'm a planner at work and that sometimes creeps into my personal life...in a bad way. I have to think about the next week of things...the next month...

but, today I want to relax...and be in Wednesday. It's a nice and rainy day in Omaha and I'll enjoy it.

natural

I went to my hair lady yesterday. I love Classy. She always does an amazing job. I hadn't had any heat on in my hair in two months. Seriously. No blow dryer...no straightener. It was interesting to see my hair straight again.

I noticed different people commenting on my hair...I even got about an inch cut off.

Those interactions made me stutter step. Am I making the right decision? Do I want natural hair? I do like my hair straight...it flows in the wind...

But today I was thinking, my hair in its natural form, anyones hair in its natural form is beautiful. We, in our natural form, are beautiful. So next month I'm going to cut my hair...remove the relaxed forms and let my natural hair wild and free. Because it is beautiful.