1 minute

it's quiet in the office. i walked upstairs with a bowl of cereal.
then i walked, with purpose, to see if daphne was really gone.
apparently she is gone.

we're so excited to send her off on her sabbatical yet so sad to say goodbye.

it's bittersweet, mostly sweet, because i know she needs it.
and a little bitter because i'll miss her.

surrounded by love

this morning as i was getting ready to have breakfast with marcia, i had this thought...k and i are so surrounded by love.

last week i wrote about figuring out how to truly receive love...and i think we're learning.

as we're planning this wedding, we've come across some of the most helpful people. we have so many people who are excited about our wedding that they actually might compete with our excitement! alright, they won't, but i'm just saying we have some excited folks.

k's friends at the joslyn are helping with the layout of the reception.
my bff jason is helping with our save the date cards.
drew at oxide is coming along for the invitation portion of our wedding.
jess is baking a lot of yummy cupcakes.
jess also volunteered her boyfriend's dj skills for the wedding.
we're getting some kick-a$$ photography from some dear friends.
our engagement photos will be done by three different people.
my hair is getting done for free by my hairdresser of four years.

we're so excited and excited to share in this with so many friends.

this past sunday at church, father ron's wife came up to me and held my hand and told me that she wants to throw us a couple's shower. i haven't thought a ton about showers, i'm not sure if i'm supposed to, ergh, am i? i don't think so. anyway, she proceeded to tell me how excited she was to open their home and throw a themed shower for us for a room that we needed things for.

she wrote me the following email and it totally made my day.

We're so glad to be hosting your shower. I'm thinking a Saturday afternoon - dessert and coffee sort of thing. Does that sound like a good plan? You two pick the date and we will "play". Can't wait to get into mischief.
Love,
name

i'm in love with love today. and tomorrow. and forever.

state of my support account

a few things you should know.
1. i serve at word made flesh (www.wordmadeflesh.org) and we raise our full salaries.
2. support account = salary and other expenses.
3. my support account is negative - as you can see.
4. i need your support.
5. if you begin supporting me, i'll give you some sweet wmf gear.
6. i'm not a fundraiser, i just try...so humor and help me :)
7. thanks.

info here.

when dreams become reality

i recently read that your dreams allow your subconscious to work through real and external threats or stresses...and so sleeping your 8 hours a night is supposed to give you the time and space needed to work through your stress and you'll wake up completely fine.

if it were so easy. this morning i woke up a bit late and had a pounding headache. as i stumbled around to wake up i started to remember my dreams. at one point i was fighting with liz about raisersedge being better than access for database management and fundraising. in my dream she told me to shut up. (i usually always remember the first time any friend tells me to shut up - this didn't count). then in my dream i proceeded to cry about everything that has and still stresses me out. wasn't i supposed to wake up feeling better? i didn't. when i finally woke up, i realized that those stresses are very close to me and very real...perhaps tangible. i sometimes think that if i try hard enough i might be able to touch them with my fingers. i feel the stress as soon as i try to close my eyes and sleep at night and i usually wade through it in the morning, feeling my way to the gym or to work.

on my recent annual work review, i think i was able to articulate that i'm an emotional person and that i will be emotional on the good and bad side. so i know this stress shouldn't be alarming...my emotions will soon be reflected on the flip side...in some sort of shrilly giggle and scream about something real fun and joyful.

but now i'm weepy. my friend and coworker is heading on sabbatical for 6 months. i'm getting married in less than that. i work hard. i still can't figure out how to raise my salary and can't go a day without thinking about it. i miss my friends who are all over the country and world.

so today i'm looking at my wall of love behind me...there are letters from friends around the world who have sent notes of encouragement and humor and love...and they make me smile.

gratitude

i think it's difficult to be truly grateful...well it's at least difficult for me. it's not that i'm not thankful, i just feel bad that i'm in the position to have to receive something.

a few things i've learned in this journey into gratitude.
...i raise my full salary. i have to ask for money and support from friends, family, friends of friends and friends of family. it can get uncomfortable. i thought that four years later i would get better at it, but i'm not. i just hate feeling that i'm an inconvenience.

so. this is what happens. someone gives something to me, i always feel like there are unspoken strings attached...like i need to do something in return. so i start to keep track of gifts...money loaned...drinks brought...food given. i anxiously hold onto these memories and every step of the way, i have to remember what that person did last and what i did last. it's exhausting.

last summer i tried to buy my friend noemi some juice while we were in south o. i told her that she bought something else last and she looked at me and said...why are you keeping track.

humbled. why was i keeping track?

as i've journeyed into love with kenley and relationship with others, i've learned that i dont' have to earn or prove that i'm worth of love. kenley and i had a disagreement one evening and we sat together talking post-fight...we sat and marveled at what love is. love is simply awesome. love between two people just blows my mind...God brings two people together who are completely unrelated and invites them into love. it is hard to allow yourself to be loved, it's humbling and requires you to be vulnerable.

so today i got to my desk and saw a card on my desk...it was a card from a coworker with a note and a gift. i was so blown away, i just had to keep going. i didn't know how to accept it. and i decided that i would write this blog as a way to process and maybe even invite you into what i'm learning about love and gratitude.

i'm loved. and so are you. even if you don't feel like it, you are loved. and if you need someone to tell you, i just did.

love. me.

weather

i'm a lover of good, rich weather. this evening was a great example.

i love when the wind is just swift enough...

ah.

what do you do?

What I do. quick shot.



Read. Read read.
Email.
Design.
Read again.
Sometimes pick my nose.
Take photo booth pictures of myself.
Sit quietly.
Pray.
Read.
Email.
Figure out something about twitter.
Contemplate hiding under my desk.
Read some more.

Start my day.
Design for the cry.
Have designers block.
Contemplate crying.
Look at a designer magazine.
Read inspirational blogs.
Read staff prayer letters.
Read email about protecting the most vulnerable.
Consider what it means to fight for justice.

Look at my tattoo.
Freedom.
What does freedom mean for me?
What does freedom mean for you?
What does freedom mean for the poor?

Write something.
Check email.
Check email.
Write responses.
Look at the cry.
Have breakthrough and work hard on the cry.
Look at videos.
Figure out how to do videos.

Troubleshoot .docx documents.
Think about language.
Think about postcards.

Wedding. Oh I get married in six months.
Think. Think about the trash in my trash can.
Consider simplicity.

Return to email. Type email to department about a book discussion.
Check my posture.
Was I really sitting that low?

:)

the wmf gear giveaway is still going on! want free gear and want to help me raise my support? check it out.