bring me some color. any color.

i'm writing a hard article this week. it's about the lack of diversity in organizations similar to wmf.

this is something that has been on my heart for awhile and i can't ignore it anymore.

these are just some of my observations and questions. i hope to figure out what's true.

- are most organizations like wmf majority white? why is that?
- do non-whites have a harder time fitting in a non-profit culture that is predominately still white?
- will there be a brain-drain if non-whites leave their own neighborhoods and communities, would they have a harder time raising financial and other types of support?
- are there undertones of colonialism in current modern-day 'missions?'
- why is it that there are only four non-white wmf staff members?
- and why don't we ever see new non-white wmf staff members? but see new white staff members?

this isn't a critique of wmf. i don't think. it's a critique of something. i want to wave my finger at someone or something. is it the church? is it the small christian colleges that a majority of us went....with probably less than 1% non-white students?

we're missing something. and i'm restless. and i'm tired. i think it's wrong that organizations like wmf don't have any color.

we're taught, to have a good meal you should have lots of colors represented...red bell pepper, green beans, potato, veggie burger....not potato, squash and pasta. and that's what it looks like these days. lots of the same color.

i need color in my life at work. i need someone who actually gets where and why you say 'what had happened' or someone who knows what it means to make a plate...

that's it. today i'm sad.

dundee starbucks run route

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my coworkers, my friends

there are times when i can't believe who i get to work with. i feel like i brag about my friends, who i happen to work with, every other week on this blog, but i don't ever get tired of it. i'm incredibly blessed to work with some of my closest friends who inspire me each day.

i've been here for a little over three years and i'm still blown away by my friends.

cesia - she's so gracious and generous. i don't think that i've ever seen her upset or mad. she practices spanish with me every morning at work.
jose - quietly courageous man of faith. he's profound and inspirational. he says hello to me each morning.
michelle - i can't get enough of her and her humor. and her way of serving the community. i can't stop laughing when i'm with her.
brent - oh snap. the capacity of his heart to love others is breathtaking. he's real good at telling funny stories. i mean real good.
annie - her self-awareness and vulnerability can teach us a lot. i like her unique sense of style
chris - his ability to see structures and systems and make sense of them...whoa whoa whoa. he has real good music. and he's super generous.
amanda - even if her door is closed, she is interruptible. she laughs at my jokes. i am funny.
phileena - she shares her mind and heart. and she's beautiful. and she has a great sense of style. and she's deliberative. i like that.
daphne - gets me like no one else gets me. and she thinks i'm pretty funny. and she's pretty funny, too.
mandy - she will give you a smile and laugh and a shoulder to cry on in a heart beat. she doesn't think i'm always so crazy.
marcia - she is so dang smart it makes me sick. okay. not sick. (we already got sick). but she is a genius and i love it. and she'll go face-to-face about affirmative action. and she's hilarious. and thinks i'm funny, too.

and i'm excited to see silas, paul and liz in the office soon! ! ! !

30 second blog

as a child i wanted -
a retainer and/or braces...so i used paperclips in my mouth. ouch.
long dangling earrings - so i used paperclips in my ears. ouch.
glasses...so i kept my friend's glasses for a week (she left them at my house) she really needed them, i refused.
to have a cast. i ran into walls on purpose, slept in weird positions hoping that i'd wake up and need a cast.
long nails. i put pistachio shells on my nails...and taped them. like this.
AND. i also wanted headgear real bad. when i got it, i wore it to the mall. in public. yes. yes i did.

mine mine mine

i'm an oldest child. sometimes i forget, but i'm sure that others know.

i'm incredibly selfish and like things my way and on my time. i lack adaptability and grace and patience.

i've had time to articulate how i've been feeling the past few months with friends and loved ones. and i feel like there's so much grace around me as i wrestle with it all.

i have a hard time always introducing different groups of friends to other groups of friends. in my head i think, this is my friend and this is my friend, you two will not be friends.

i'm not sure why i do that. i think because it's some weird selfish thing. i'll introduce friends on my terms and if they hang out, i might feel jealous.

so lately i've heard a lot of mine, mine, mine boil up in my throat. it burns and i want to throw it up but i've really had to try and swallow it. it's painful. it's oh so painful. like i said in my last blog i've tried to make friends outside of my circle and it's been good, it's been a long process and in that process i've been protective. i don't want anyone to infiltrate. i want to have the conversations i want to have. i don't want the dynamic to change. i want it to be about me.

damn. really? is that me? i think it is. i've learned that i arm wrestle with change and i'm really good at winning. or so i thought. change happens despite the road blocks i throw at it. i can't win against it, i can definitely pretend, but i usually don't win. and it's hard. really hard.

but i'm learning that there is an aspect of protecting that i think is healthy. i don't have to feel guilty not inviting every single person i know on facebook to an event (800+ invited to beggars society, had to throw that out there)...and i don't have to feel paralyzed trying to think about whose feelings i'm hurting.

yes, i was that kid as a child. my desire was that everyone felt included. that's a good kid. :) but the opposite was painful...never finding the freedom to have my own time with my own friends. there's something special about one-on-one time, something that's nurturing, something that's intimate that happens and it's okay if i fight for that.

but it's probably not okay if i'm mean about it, right?

so there. you have it. i'm an oldest child with tendencies to want my friends, activities, events, parties, laughter, movies to be mine, mine, mine. i'm learning. a lot. in this moment. so give me grace. a lot of it. i promise i'll give it to you, too.

yours. js

that hill bitch slapped me (ape shit)

note: i don't really like the term bitch. it's derogatory to women. i need to find a replacement for it. marcia suggested ape shit. maybe that will be the new phrase.

one of my goals this year is to run a half marathon. as i've struggled to lose and gain these last pounds on my budunkadunkfullofjunk, i've realized i need some type of goal that's not directly related to numbers on a scale.

so. this is the third week i've been running to train the half marathon in omaha at the end of september. and i've really enjoyed it. i love the feeling i get as i finish a run. but i do NOT like the hills. i mean i dread them. i look at them. i avoid them. but i know that i need to have them in my training schedule to get over them.

i'd rather not.

but. i'm learning a lot about kicking these hills in the tail so they don't kick me in the tail.

there have been plenty of times in my time here in omaha when it's felt like an uphill battle. i'd rather look behind me in the past and make my way back to things comfortable than push through it. i thought that i had some endurance, but i'm learning that i sometimes don't. in the past year i've worked hard at finding a circle of friends or different circles of friends that make me feel at home. finding friends has probably been one of the hardest battles that i've taken on while here in omaha. i love love love and miss miss miss all of my friends in memphis. so i've been deliberate about finding different avenues of finding friendships. i've had to go out of my comfort zone to put myself out there to say hello...and it's worked. i feel like i'm at the point of the hill where i can catch my breath for a moment.

and i'm just jara.

teaser

i had a sleepover on saturday.