papa john's

Gulp.

That’s what I did when I looked at the empty Papa John’s box. I had literally devoured a box of breadsticks.

Hiccup.

That’s what it was. A hiccup. I’ve outlined my journey with weight watchers but haven’t really discussed a lot on the recent months. I’ve heard that if you manage to get through the holidays and winter months without gaining weight it’s almost as if you lost six pounds in the summer. I have to admit, I gained a bit these past months. I blamed it on being pmsy (which is part of it)…or not having good choice in front of me when traveling, but at the end of the day, it’s what I chose to put into my mouth.

So. I’m back. I gave up sweets for Lent. Not as another legalistic move to further regiment what I eat, but as an act of cutting myself off of something that I have depended on for comfort, excitement, companionship and celebration and opening myself up to being filled by my Creator.

I’ve had to explain myself a lot of times of why I would do a move like that, but I know that food, no matter what kind of food, has always been some type of thing to fill a void in my life. You can see it in my journals. Years ago…like almost 15 years ago, I would write in my journals about the food I ate that day. I’m not sure what I was documenting, but I do know that it was during that time in my life when my dad traveled a lot for work. Maybe at that age I couldn’t identify missing my dad, but at that age, it was easy for me to eat lots of bad food and feel really full. It was something I could control.

And we fast forward back to this week.

I threw away the empty box of breadsticks and wondered what that meant for me. I can easily point my finger at other’s when they eat bad foods, but what does it mean for me when I have a moment like this.

No, I’m not being hard on myself. I’m being realistic. We all see celebrities who are in rehab for who knows what and we pity them and maybe secretly we are thankful that we wouldn’t be there. But, you know what, my dependence on food could easily get me in a rehab treatment center.

But I’m thankful that there’s grace in the midst of all of this. Eating a box of breadsticks won’t derail me…it could get me where I want to be a little later. I may, actually I know I will have to workout harder and be more deliberate about what I eat. But that’s the choice I have to make.

I’ve never been the skinny type. If I look at a piece of bread, my face immediately retains water and somehow my stomach gains an inch. That’s just how I’ve been made. I’m not bitter. I’m just different.

I want my relationship with food to be healthy. I want my choices to reflect a sense of nurturing my soul and give me freedom. I hope you, too, can find that.