buying friendships

for some reason as a child i felt the need to prove to other kids that they should be my friends. i would try and convince them through some type of payment - maybe money or maybe trading something...i'm not really sure but something weird has stuck with me since then.

even as a 27 year old i'm super insecure in friendships. if you know me, you probably were pursued by me at some point. some people call that being a good friend, i think it's more of insecurity.

if you know anything about the enneagram, you know about the #6...which is me, the loyalist. here's a little summary.


The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

Key Motivations: Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity.
The Meaning of the Arrows (in brief)

When moving in their Direction of Disintegration (stress), dutiful Sixes suddenly become competitive and arrogant at Three. However, when moving in their Direction of Integration (growth), fearful, pessimistic Sixes become more relaxed and optimistic, like healthy Nine.

so today. i feel like a six. i get in these moods when i feel like i have to assess the waters of friendships. there are a couple of people who have been put through this...and they've been gracious to me as i've stumbled through our friendship.

even as a kid i would do this...i would purposely not pursue a friendship to see if i was holding it up or if it was mutual. i guess i'm in a season of testing the waters. we'll see what happens. maybe i'm just being a six.